Driftwood Syndrome...

Last week was the first week for university students. 

This week it's the first day for elementary, middle, and high school students. 

Basically, this means that almost everyone I know is now involved in school. 

Then there's me. 

I feel like I've talked about this before but I feel like my life is a cycle. No matter how hard I try to break the cycle, it keeps rolling back around. To say it's annoying is a grand understatement. It's hard to look forward when the past seems to repeat itself over and over again. 

I don't understand. 

I've said it before and I will say it again, I want to be in school. I feel like the reason I don't feel motivated to do anything else is because I feel inadequate and unprepared. Learning, for me, is the best way to feel prepared for things in life. I want to be a writer but I know that education affords me the ability to learn new skills that will help me be a better writer. It's just frustrating because it's the door I haven't been able to open. 

Speaking of school, I've had to rehash the Kingston thing nearly every single day in the month of August. Although I've come to terms, it's still very painful and the more people ask what I'm going to do next, the more uncertain about the future I feel. I've lost my focal point and now I feel like I'm drifting about. As a result, my writing has suffered and my overall motivation for getting up in the morning has taken a huge blow. 

Also, let's not even begin to talk about my spiritual life. It's hard to talk about. I went to my college group on Wednesday and the topic was faith and the further we went into conversation, the more I didn't want to talk about it any more. The final blow was the question, "When was the last time you acted in faith and what was the result?" I seriously wanted to run out of the room and walk home. My spiritual life seems to be the major casualty out of this whole thing. I felt abandoned by God. Like literally abandoned. I thought he wanted something for me, I went for it, and he didn't show up. It's hard to just bounce back from that. I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to see him, or hear about how much he loves me when I know how I felt when I thought we were on the same page and he didn't do anything to help me. I was completely alone in this and I wish I could say this was the first time. 

Phew! Okay. I'm done talking about that portion of my life. I need to find a new focal point. That's what's going to put me back in the swing and get me motivated. This driftwood syndrome is not my cuppa. 

(British reference. I told you I would be insufferable. It begins.)

Till Next Time...

Another [Year], Another Destiny...

Yes. Another Les Miserables reference. Deal with it. ;)

Okay! Wow. Where do I even start with this?! 

21 has been such an incredible year for me. I looked back at the post I did last year in which I was wide-eyed and innocent looking into this new realm of adulthood. I had plans and was determined to make them happen. 

Let's review shall we? I think it will help get us on the right track. 

Around this time last year, I had the idea for ConStruct. Now ConStruct is a reality, has grown and will continue to grow with hard work. It also has provided me the fuel I never knew I needed to pursue a career I never thought I would be able to foray into. It's still an uphill battle to get some notoriety but it's a journey. It's all a journey. 

Shortly after starting ConStruct, I made the brave decision to pursue university in the UK. Having healed from prior failed launches towards higher education, I was renewed with a sense of hope from my best friend who still continues to inspire me to desire to be better. She told me to "just do it"; I applied it to studying at Kingston and I've applied it further to other things in my life. 

A few months after that, I got an offer from Kingston University and accepted it! That is still one of the happiest days I've ever had in all my life. There was this sense of accomplishment; this feeling of validity that I hadn't felt in so long when it came to schools. I will never forget it. That was also the same month that UCAS chose me to be one of four international applicants to blog about their experiences applying to UK schools. That, too, was an incredible opportunity and I am grateful for the platform they gave me to speak to people who were looking for someone to relate with them. 

Then it happened. The trip of a lifetime. After careful planning and divine intervention, I hopped on a plane and flew across the pond to Europe to see my best friend in Dublin. I still get chills thinking about it and how amazing that trip was. It's one of my greatest achievements and I did it more or less by myself! There's a thrill and a sense of accomplishment travelling alone. I thrive on it. I don't always feel very independent but when I travel, I feel like I can do anything I want. (Within legal reasonings, of course) Those two weeks have shaped the way I see the world and sparked something in me that hasn't burned out. I'm more confident, more determined and more experienced! Plus, I got to see things I had only read in books or seen pictures. It was incredible and I can't wait to go again in the future. :) 

The next few months after that seemed to take an unexpected downward turn. Things were peachy for a while but things began to take a turn for the worst when it came to pretty much everything, including plans for Kingston. I can't remember a time I felt more helpless than when I was going through the ups and downs of getting things in order for Kingston. It was quite possibly the worst emotional experience of my life but I think I've grown the most from it. I'm still on the mend though. I've felt abandoned by God more times than I want and people, Christians especially, don't just get over that. I'm still trying to gauge myself spiritually but it's going to be a process.

Now we've caught up! Kingston can now stand next to Berklee on the shelf of Failed Attempts. Haha! I have to laugh about it because honestly, who do you know that has gone through so much to get to university only to be shut down at every turn. Maybe I've got something over my head that says, "Don't let him go to college". Anyway, now that I've been brought full circle, I have to look towards the future. I don't know what it holds but I'm hoping that whatever it is, I'll be happy with it. I don't know how much more my heart can take from getting shot down so many times with school. I just want a degree that will help me get ahead. That's all I want. That and to travel and write. I don't think that's too much but apparently it is. Don't take this as me being pessimistic; I'm just being honest. 

22 is going to be a great year for me no matter what because happiness mostly what you make it. 

For the first time in my life, my future is a blank slate for the most part. Sure, I have things planned and dotted along but for the most part, I don't know where my life is going to take me. I just hope it's a good place. :)

Here's to 22!!

Till Next Time...

Musings of the Mused: Post-Decision Life...

It's been a week since my decision to not pursue Kingston anymore. 

This is my post-decision life.

It's kind of weird.

It's weird because I know I'm not going but it's still okay; the world has not fallen in upon itself nor has my life become a scene from Les Mis...

"I had a dream my life would be..." 

To be completely honest, after the blog posted, I had a sense of relieve the entire day. I was wholly at peace with my decision and I was ready to pursue the next chapter in my life. Now that I think about it, that whole Kingston thing was really stressing me out. Like, unhealthily stressing me out. It all came to a head when I found myself completely broken down in my parent's bedroom painfully shouting what I was feeling and realising this was a problem. 

I had allowed my pursuit to slowly but surely consume me until I was a ticking time bomb of pent up emotions. It's really scary, now that I think about it. Saying, "I'm going to let this go for good" was quite possibly the best thing that I could have done. It was like hitting the pressure release on my life and I was able to breathe. 

:le sigh:

Sure I'm still super bummed about not going and I've still put off sending that email to Kingston letting them know that I'm not actually coming...those things will pass and that email will be sent...eventually... ;P

In other news, I have a writing job! I'm a real life freelance writer which is interesting because that was the field I wanted to do in the first place but I thought it would be too difficult. I'm writing product descriptions for a website which, let's be real, is not what I really want to do long term. BUT it pays and I'm getting really good at it! My boss tells me that I'm one of his best writers which is why he's basically coaching me through this and trying to get the best work out of me. It's tough work but I'm learning a lot, getting some experience under my belt and I'm getting an extra paycheck every week which rocks. Definitely need that. 

I was talking to one of my best friends and she was telling me about her recent discovery of a passion she had and how excited she was about pursuing it. I'm always so proud of my friends when they discover something that they love and that they want to excel at. I was able to relate with her and talk about my writing job and how I'm working my way up to where I want to be. She was able to relate with me in the same regard; doing jobs that she doesn't particularly like in an effort to work her way to her dream job. 

I want to write editorials and articles for magazines and blogs.  I want to travel; see all the world has to offer and I want to learn as I go along. I want to learn languages and cultures and delve into the cornucopia of experiences this amazing world has to offer.  I want to be inspired by the things around me and live in a different place every couple of years. I've realised very quickly that I have a traveller's spirit. I thrive on being in a new place and seeing new things. I get bored very easily and that's reflected in a lot of things that I do (i.e. my resume). The fact that this blog is still going after 3 years is a bloody miracle. 

Anyway, that was a bit of a ramble but I tend to do that on this blog. This is my zen place. I'm not worried about structure or topics; I just write what's on my mind and one my heart. The "Musings of the Mused", I believe is my tag line. 

If you've lasted with me for this long, I want you to remember to figure out what you are passionate about. I figured out writing, travel and music were my passions by asking myself "would I do this even if I knew I wouldn't be rich?" The answer was yes and it just made sense. However, the way we figure out our passions is different so give yourself time. Be patient. I'm speaking to myself as well so don't worry. Some people don't know what they're passionate about until they are dropped into a situation. Others don't figure out unless it's by accident. We're all different in more than one way or another so this self-discovery of passions is no different. 

Now that I'm sure what I'm passionate about, I'm going to start focusing on that. I'm going to be writing and I'm going to be making travelling one of my priorities. It's going to happen. And I'm still going to be looking for more writing jobs! I want to be able to write full time and support myself. That's the dream and I'm dreaming it suckas! Hahaha!! 

Okay I need the sleeps...

I'll be keeping you all posted on my musings and my life as always! Love you! <3 :)

Till Next Time...

Detour...

In every journey, there are stops and starts.

This happens to be my detour...

As many of you know, I am gearing up to leave the country for school. Super crazy and stressful. Did I mention stressful? Especially when things don't quite go as planned. My original plan was to apply for a bunch of scholarships and also apply for a loan for the rest of my expenses (ex. Visa costs, moving costs, flights). However, when I went to apply for the loan, they were about to deny me but asked instead for a co-signer. I never wanted a co-signer. It wasn't just that I didn't want help; I need all the help I can get. It was more to the fact that this was my decision. I never wanted anyone else to have to sacrifice anything for me. I've supported myself through the entirety of my college experience(s) and I wasn't really prepared to have to bring in someone else. 

Never mind the fact that there was no one else to bring in. 

You can imagine my distress. This was the plan. Apply for scholarships. Apply for loans. Go to Kingston. This needed this to work because it was the only plan I could see. My hope began to fail. One of my reservations about college in the first place was finances and now it looked like it was going to be my undoing...

But there is no denying that God has placed this on my life. There is nothing I feel more strongly than me being in England. The draw has been there since I was little and has only grown stronger the more I  have gotten older. 

Someone once said that God uses our circumstances to show Himself off. Someone else said that God is privy to our circumstances; our cries and distresses. He is not ignorant to our situation and I have to keep that in mind for me or else I will go insane. 

It's still taking every ounce of courage and strength to even say "I'm going" rather than "I might go" but I will continue to say that I'm going. 'When' not 'if'. I must remain faith-filled and speak things as they are already. This goes against everything my brain tells me. I've talked about this before about me being a planner. I need to see what's around the corner and I need to plan accordingly. I like to control the situation. But in controlling the situation, I take responsibility for the outcome. Whether that be good or bad, it's on me. 

So, in this current season of doubt and uncertainty, I must hold on to the things I know:

God is faithful.

God sees.

God hears.

Faith is not seeing, it's believing in the Author of Faith. 

Anything that happens does not escape the eye of God. 

God knows my heart and how much this is painful for me. 

If you're reading this, please continue to pray. I'm still trusting in God but my brain keeps seeing Kingston slipping through my fingers and that scares me. I know there are other ways to move to Europe but I've put a lot into this and to see it crumble will be so humiliating...

Anyways, thanks everyone :)

Till Next Time...

Newest Foray & Exciting News...

It's done, guys!!

So in my last blog, I posted that I was going to start my own fashion blog. Well guys, I did it!

I had been planning out things to do with it and my mission for it and when I figured out a name, I bought the domain name and started gathering content. It's still in the early stages but it's official!

The blog is called "ConStruct" and you can go and follow it at constructstyle.com. It's pretty nerve-wracking to have a passion to do something and then doing it. It's going to be an uphill journey to get my posts out there and make a name for myself but I'm ready to do it. I'm done with waiting on other people to give me a chance. I'm giving myself a chance.

I've wanted to go into the fashion journalism field for a very long time but it took me a bit to even gather enough courage to do it. There's a stigma that guys can't like fashion or that they can't go into the fashion world. I refuse to believe that. I have a heart for the artistry that is fashion and I'm not going to let what anyone says stop me from doing it.

With that being said, I have some exciting news! Very few people already know this but whilst I'm on the subject of passion, I think it's the perfect time to tell you something that I've been trying to keep quiet about for a couple months.

A few months ago, I was sitting with a friend getting coffee and somehow we got to talking about passions and about #YOLO. If you haven't heard, #YOLO is a saying that has been wildly circulated and it means, "you only live once". We were talking about how true it is and how ridiculous our conversation was. Hahaha! But we started getting into what our passions were and what we wanted to do with our lives and of course I talked about Europe. I talked about how badly I want to move there and how crazy it sounds and blah blah blah. Then my friend said to me, "so just do it!" Not in a mean way but in a way that jolted me.

Just do it.

So I am.

In the next couple weeks I will be applying to Kingston University. If you haven't heard, Kingston is about 30 minutes outside of London and Kingston University is widely respected in the journalism community. Additionally, they have a graduate programme that includes fashion journalism which is perfect! My application is already finished, I'm literally just waiting for the application date to arrive. If I'm accepted, I will be preparing everything to move to Kingston in August 2013 for the Fall of 2013. But even if I'm not accepted, I will still be making conscious efforts to move there. Nothing is going to get in my way. I have waited far too long waiting for something to just drop in my lap. God has placed this desire in me and it's not going to be satisfied in this country. My mind is made up, my parents support me and that's all I need.

I understand that a lot of people aren't going to understand why I'm planning to leave but, frankly, I don't care. That's their problem. This is my life and I intend to live it. In Europe. :)

When I go to Dublin in January, I will most likely be visiting the campus, familiarising myself with the lay of the land, etc., etc.

I'm so excited and although I'll be sad to leave my friends and family, I'm thrilled with this new endeavour!

This is going to be a huge adventure and I can't wait to see what's going to happen!

Till Next Time...

The Dull Overtaking...

Goodness...have I gotten boring?

This is a question I have constantly asked myself but today it came right in front of my face and sat its little self down.

Do I just play things safe?

Am I not a risk taker?

These are the questions I have been asking myself since this was brought to my face, by a person actually. They didn't call me boring because, really, in my mental state I probably would have cried. Just being real. Today was not a peachy day emotionally. But they kind of alluded that I pretty much play things safe. I have taken a seat on the bench of political correctness that I previously dreaded.

Have I really become boring?

Looking back over my posts I realised that I wanted to do a lot of things this summer:

I wanted to go to Europe.
I wanted to read more.
I wanted to elevate my style.
I wanted to elevate my writing abilities.
I wanted to play more music.

So many things and I have done nothing.

What lame-sauce is this?

It's kind of sad.

When did this happen?

I'm not sure the answer to that question but all I know is that it happened and it probably explains why I've been so unhappy lately. Deep inside my heart is a man who wants to adventure to places he's never been and take risks but lately he's been tied up and taken over by this really dull person honestly. I don't want to be the person that just goes to work and school and does nothing else. That is not the kind of person I want to be.

I want to be a person that says he's going to do something and does it; throwing caution to the wind and having his heart thrum a bit. There's no place for a boring Steven in this world. At least in my eyes.

Starting now, I refuse to be unhappy. I will do things that require a bit of heart thrumming. Now I'm not going to be stupid and go jumping off of cliffs but I will not be resigned to living a humdrum life. No sir.

What that may entail? I have no idea but I'm sure I'll find it. :)

If you have any suggestions, please send them to me! I welcome any input.

In other news, we're a month away from the launch of LifeCity!! It's kind of nerve-wracking. In a good way, I mean. ;)

It's also a month away from my 21st birthday...and the beginning of school. How convenient. Hahaha! I'm sure everything will be great even though the semester starts on my birthday. What kind of timing is that?!

Anyways, continue to pray for my car situation. I'm not worrying but with a month left before school with no prospects, it's not looking very good. However, I'm trusting God. He's got things under control. I don't know what's going on beyond what my eyes can see but I'm assured that it's working for my good. :)

Till Next Time...

P.S. I'm going to start spicing up the blog! I'm still going to be posting about my life and thoughts but I've been thinking about reviewing things or talking about things I love (music, food, etc.)! It will start with my impending trip to DC! Look for pictures and such. ;)

Where I Am...

Lately I've been trying to measure where I am.

Not like my physical location, but my state of being.

There has been quite a lot of changes that have happened over the past couple of months and it's in these moments that I like to try and make sure I'm keeping track of everything.

All things considered, I'm in a good place! I haven't been overtly stressed, school is manageable, work is work and my family is in a good place.

For the first time in quite a while, I'm genuinely happy. It's weird to say because many times I feel like things are just whirling about me but I'm at peace. I truly believe that this is God's handiwork. Only God could have given me such peace and this all stems from trusting Him. Like I've said a billion times, I've been training myself to keep remembering that God is sovereign. Anything He does is for my good and in trusting that, I will have peace!

This is probably the first time in my entire life that I've actually begun to truly trust God that He will take care of me and not just say it. I think it started with my decision to jump aboard the LifeCity train actually. That kind of move was the catalyst that got me off my rear and start walking in the faith I say I possess. I expected it to be hard and it was at first. But God, in His mercy, has given me such a peace. I'm just going to enjoy this while I can and allow it to strengthen me to continue to trust God in everything.

On another note, Easter is approaching quickly! I'm not exaggerating when I say it snuck up on me. It really did and I feel so unprepared lol However, I'm excited to go through this weekend keeping in mind Christ's sacrifice that allowed me and billions of people to have life beyond the carnal. He defeated death by dying and paved the way to eternal life through Him! I think that's cause for epic celebration ;) Speaking of celebrating, I'm excited to be with my LifeCity family for our first Easter together! It's going to be wonderful, refreshing and countless other dazzling adjectives :) I'll be praying that you keep your thoughts on Christ and rejoice with the Church! "Christ is risen from the dead, we are one with Him again..."

Oh! Before I forget, I've been listening to Christy Nockels' new album "Into the Glorious" practically non-stop since it was released. It's so worshipful. You can tell that these are her prayers to the Lord and not just songs for an album. She has meditated on these, it has taken root in her and it's reflected in the passion she has in her voice. SO amazing. Goodness gracious. God bless Christy Nockels and her brilliant musical prowess. haha! So if you want to get saved all over again, I recommend downloading it. It's like 10 buckaroos. Not a lot at all.

If you don't get it, I'll just assume you don't want to be saved or you don't love Jesus... :P haha!

Till Next Time...

P.S. How do you like the new layout? Cool huh? :)

Say/Do

Last week, LifeCity started meeting during the week as a missional community. Now, if you don't know what missional community is all about, essentially it is a group of about 15 to 20 people who gather for the specific purpose to grow in their walk with Christ and to reach out to people in their communities. It's really beautiful and worth a look-see. (*SEE BOTTOM!*) Anyways, we talked about the church and what it means to "be the church" and not "go to church". There is this idea that people "go to church" which is actually incorrect theology. We are the church. Everywhere we go, we are the church.

This got me thinking about the church, the mission of the church, our responsibility as the church and a bunch of other things. I was super quiet in our meeting simply because I was processing through all this information and drawing connections and getting a better understanding. But now I'm ready to talk! Now, to preface, I'm not a Bible scholar (surprise!). I'm simply seeing and responding to what I see.

I feel like the church as a whole is kind of going through a bit of reform of sorts. We've gotten so accustomed to saying, "we're going to church guys!" that we've kind of lost track of what we're actually doing. Some of us know that we're saying, "we are the church, we're just going to a building" but, thankfully, people don't know what we are thinking! We, as the church, cannot continue to go around saying, "we're going to church" simply because people who are not in the church begin to foster an incorrect ideology that the church is a building and not a body of people. They are, in essence, being deceived and therefore changing any type of idea they had about the church. We, as the church, need to say what we mean and not just expect people to just know. This extends all ways of life but this is most essential in the church. I feel like the church as a whole is needing to backpedal and say, "hey, we're sorry for saying this. We actually meant to say this," to billions of people. And if you think we don't, just ask someone what they think about the church. Chances are that you're not going to get nice answers and the word that might surface is the word hypocrisy because the church is saying one thing and doing another.

This change of thought is what is going to revive the church. Saying that, "we are the church" is a manner of ownership. We are taking responsibility over our faith and challenging ourselves in the process to be the face of the church because, I mean, we are. Every where we go. Everyone we talk to. We are direct representations of the church as a whole whether it is fair or not. People who have no idea of the church are watching what you do at every moment and they will judge the church as a whole based on what you do. Yes, that is a great burden to bear but what a beautiful burden it is! Jesus, by calling you to be apart of His family, is essentially saying, "I trust you to represent my church everywhere you go. I have confidence in you to carry My Name well."

I get chills when I think about that.


This is what it means to be an ambassador for Christ. And as ambassadors, we have a responsibility that if we see a need, we shouldn't need to send them to a pastor or an elder, we should gladly move forward and help fulfill the need. This reminds me when the disciples sent the sick to Jesus not realizing that the same power that rested in Christ also rested within them.

Can you imagine if they came to that realization? Imagine the impact.

Now apply that to today.

Do you see?

I think people are actually kind of terrified by saying, "we are the church" otherwise we would jump to the opportunity to say it. By saying, "I am the church" we're are slapping a spotlight on our lives and suddenly everything counts. Our lives suddenly have a standard to live up to and people are afraid to embark on that. And I'm no exception! I think it's terrifying to think that my life as a whole is a direct representation of how people perceive the church. But I mean, that's small compared to the fact that Christ gave His entire life for us. The very least He is requiring of us is to live right and reflect His transformation in our lives. I mean, really...

Goodness, the more I think about the church and our role in the world and our responsibility the more I come to more realizations of Jesus' view of the church. It's a beautiful think to think about.

So that's my two-cents! I would love to hear what people think about this subject.

Till Next Time...

**If you wanted to know more about missional community, there's an awesome video that I was shown that shows it in action. It's about 15 minutes long but it's worth every bit of your time. Missional Community

Dispelling the Whispers: Rumour Has It...

:sigh:


I guess it's about time to address the whispers going around and speeding through the grapevine. I always knew that word traveled fast around Journey but it's just different when I experience is first hand. 1. It ruins all surprises and 2. It gets to important people well before I can get to these certain important people...

However, now that I have informed confirmed certain things to certain important people, I felt it would be good for the rest of the populace to hear straight from the horse's mouth.

The rumours are true. I have decided to be a part of a core team of people to help launch LifeCity Church in August! LifeCity is led by Darby Jurls and his wife Amy and I'm behind them 100%. I believe in the vision they have and I trust Darby implicitly. I'm very excited and completely terrified in the best way possible haha!

I always knew that I was supposed to make a big move of faith this year and this is it! Of course, I thought it was Europe but I'm actually quite thrilled that it isn't. In fact, I'm pretty sure that this is better that Europe. I can already feel God stretching me to do things and step out in faith in a completely different way and it's awesome!

It's also kind of sad because Journey has been my home for 6 years and just as I'm getting into a comfortable swing, God is scooping me out and setting me on my way lol But that's also a part of the problem. I have become quite comfortable at Journey and kind of plateaued spiritually. In Jimmy's message, something that stuck out to me is that growing isn't comfortable. That convicted me for quite a while so I decided to do something about it.

In all of this, in leaving Journey, I've actually come to understand it better which is completely weird. I'm finally understanding the vision of Journey and the strategy that Jimmy has. Journey is a launching pad. It trains up new believers to maturity and then launches them into the world to fulfill the mission Christ set out for the Church. I always sort of understood it in a way while I was attending but looking back I can see it clearly now. I grew up so much in these past 6 years and now I'm nearing the launching zone with these great people.

I can already feel like it's going to be hard making the transition but it's not going to actually hit home until March 18th (yes, March) when we branch off from Journey and meet as a core team for 6 months until we launch. However, this does not mean the end of all friendships at Journey; I am not falling off the face of the planet. I live like 2 blocks away from the church for crying out loud! I'm trying to hold on to that fact to keep from emotionally spiraling haha!

So the journey begins, and I'm ready for it. I'm currently actively looking for a car and getting started with things in that regard. It's going to be tough because I have a super low budget but my God is greater! I told God, "I have $1,000. I need a car. I'm giving this to You and trusting that You will come through." So that's that! I'm still searching but I know God is working already :)

Till Next Time...

It's Time To Grow Up!

It has been nearly a month since I have blogged.

Problem.

Well at least I have some material to go on! First I will provide that update about school. I've had a lot of people asking me how school is going and I'm not sure how to answer that question. It changes over time. So I figured I would just sit down and really give an overview of my college "experience". I use the word "experience" lightly because I'm only taking one class on campus so I'm not really experiencing much in my opinion.
As far as my performance with school work, I'm doing very well. My grades are good which is more that I was expecting. The material is a little more difficult than I was expecting (Math being the odd exception) but I'm sure I'll get the hang of everything quickly. The assignments are overwhelming. More than once, I have finished my to-do list for the week and just stared at all the crap I have to get done. With the addition of work and other life things, it's pretty stressful
As far as my opinion of college: I'm going to be honest. I hate it. I'm not sure if it's just the school or the courses I'm taking but I don't like it at all. More than once I've caught myself in the middle of an assignment and asked myself, "What am I doing? Why am I doing this?". With that said, I am by no means going to quit. I'm going to finish out the semester and then complete fall semester before making any decisions as to whether I stay or not.

On another note, I've continued to think about my summer, what I shall be doing then and where I shall be going. I've been keeping in contact with my friend in Ireland and he's been helping me get information about internships in the UK. In fact, right after I finish here, I will be looking over some information he sent me! Granted, he sent it to me on the 1st of the month but who's paying attention, right? In addition to Europe, there are whispers of another option for the summer that I won't go into great detail about because nothing is set in stone but rest assured that it is a great potential opportunity ;)

And finally, my pastor is going through a series called "Time To Grow Up" which has been a lot of reiteration but much needed reiteration. Every year, my pastor challenges us to step out in faith and grow up. Something that stood out to me was that he said that you're not growing if you're comfortable (or something to that regard) and I've been pretty comfortable in some parts of my life. Last year it was Berklee which was such a learning experience and brought a lot of growing! This year is different. I was telling one of my friends that honestly, I haven't been praying about it. 1) because it's scary. I don't know what God will say. 2) because I'm afraid of what He will say and it will be what I'm thinking He's going to say. Does that make sense?
So if you would please pray for me that would be awesome. Pray for boldness and confidence in what God is going to say. Although I am afraid, I know that God is not going to lead me into abandonment. He is not a God to take you down a road that He will not walk with you down. I believe that wholeheartedly.

So I'm thinking that this is the year of boldness and faith! How that should be different than any year, I'm not sure but I am declaring it. Fear is not of God so therefore, I don't want it. Bring on the bold, baby! Wooo! :)

Till Next Time...

Heart of a Worshiper...

I have a question.

If the mission of the Church is to be "fishers of men"; to go out into the world and preach of Christ's love and you are not doing any of it, how can you call yourself a church?

It's a legitimate question and I think it's a question we all need to ask ourselves as a body.

I feel like I'm writing all of this in reverse. The question wasn't the beginning but a result of what I witness no more than an hour or so ago.

I was at a rather traditional church with my family and some friends from Journey because an artist had asked my dad and two other women (who happen to go to Journey) to sing back-up for him.

Awesome!

It was something that they had done before at a church downtown and it was phenomenal so naturally I wanted to hear it again and support my daddy and my friends. The service began and I will admit, I was a little put off. But it came time for everyone to take the stage and my dad and the two ladies are sitting next to me in the audience!

I come to find out that the 'church' said to my dad and the other Journey ladies (really they only spoke to the artist and he relayed the information) and told them that they "weren't presentable" because the ladies happened to be wearing pants.

WHAT. IS. THAT.

To say that is ridiculous is an grand understatement. That is blatant ignorance and refusal let go of archaic rules. I could go on and on about women's rights to wear whatever the heck they want but this is the church. We are held to a different standard. Where in the Bible, God's holy word, does it say that women are only allowed to wear skirts and pretty dresses? I will kindly answer that for you so you don't waste your time Googling and searching biblegateway.com: the answer is NOWHERE.

In fact the Bible says the opposite. And I have to thank my beautiful friend Patience for sending me this perfect verse. In 1 Samuel 16:7 it says "But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart," 


The heart of the worshiper. That's what God cares about. He doesn't look at whether you are wearing a hat, wearing a skirt or dress or if you have tattoos covering every single pore of your body. His desire is for relationship with you. He wants your heart.

And further, how are you reaching out and fulfilling the mission Jesus set for the church? We need to meet people where we are not stand on our pulpits and expect the world to change for us.

But I have to say that the saddest part of all of this is that while I was sitting next to the Journey ladies, they were singing to God as if nothing had happened because they knew it wasn't about them. They were there to worship God, not to put on a show. And God still worked in spite of everything because the woman sitting in front of us was in tears because the ladies' voices touched her heart.

Witnessing all of this makes me value the freedom that I have to worship in my jeans and my hat :)

Till Next Time...

The Roundabout

I think I've got it now!

Okay so earlier this month (or maybe it was last month?) I finally realized where I wanted to be. And it wasn't the place I expected to be but somehow I always knew it was where I would end up. I shall explain and cease being cryptic.

In my college small group a while ago we were talking about what we wanted to be as kids and what we want to be now. The latter question always freak me out. Don't ask me why. I'm just weird.
Peoples' "kid" answers varied from astronaut to elephant and their "now" answers varied from still deciding to travelling the globe.
Anyways, it came to be my turn. "When I was a kid I wanted to be a scientist, then wanted to be an astronomer. That didn't last long. Then I wanted to be psychologist."

I could already feel the pressure as I got closer to the question that has been haunting simmering in me for the longest time. "What do you want to do now?"

I just opened my mouth and said the first thing that came in my head.
It wasn't a scientist, for that required me to know things I was not good at.
It wasn't an astronomer because I mean really...
It wasn't a psychologist, for I found out I wouldn't legally see my first patient till I was 30 and it turns out that I don't have as much patience for people's problems as I originally thought...
And it wasn't even music even though I love playing music and will probably continue throughout my life.

"I want to be a journalist. I want to write and travel the world."

Well that was easy.

But in was literally in that moment that everything just kind of fell into place. I've been writing since I was little and it has been one of the most constant things in my life. I never really thought that I could do this as a career because to me it was fun! It came naturally to me and it was, and still is, the best way that I communicate to people. It makes sense!

And it turns out that 2 of my very best friends are going to be studying that same field so how cool is that?! I want to say that God gave me such a grand revelation but really, He gave me that passion to me a long time ago. It just took over 10 years to realize it. Haha! How crazy is that? That God gives us things and takes us on the roundabout way only to bring us to the place where we can tell ourselves that this is what we want and what we've always wanted. That's God's perfect timing once again because I would have never admitted to myself that I wanted to be a journalist a year ago or even 2 years ago. But all it took was one person saying, "you're good at this. You should look into moving forward with writing" for me to begin to mull it over and then for my college group leader to ask that question that scared me for so long.

So! After all of this, I have taken the steps towards journalism knowing that God's got this. I have submitted my application to Wake Tech for the spring semester in their transfer program. (NEVER thought that would happen...) I'm still in the process of admission but after that is over I will be taking online classes (thanks Shelbs for piquing me to that information :)). After I finish the transfer program I will transfer my credits to UNC for their journalism degree! Just writing that makes me smile! :D

Please continue to pray for me. Pray that I don't lose sight of God in the midst of all this paperwork and that I always remember that God's got this! Thanks!

Till Next Time...

It All Comes Down To The Bottom Lines (Post-KidJam)

Hello reality! Didn't see you there. Have you been there all this time?

So I, along with 4 other awesome leaders, just came back from Camp KidJam in Winston-Salem at Wake Forest University and to say that it was insane is an understatement. Haha! The camp was non-stop and I'm pretty sure there's some sort of time fluctuation machine being built on campus because I'm sure 3 weeks had passed.

Anyways, throughout camp I just kept getting smacked in the face. No. Not by a rambunctious child but by God. See, I always go to camp. It's what I've done since I've joined the children's ministry. There's never been an 'if' (except that one time I was on vacation :P) it has always been 'go'. But there was just something about this year at camp that was different. It was really weird because it was the first time that I really thought about camp and was so close to backing out for no real reason other than that I thought I was falling into a routine. Luckily, I didn't back out because I ended up being so blessed by the kids and by the message they were being taught. It was on this trip that I actually felt somewhat confident about leading a small group. I've always felt as though I was a horrid teacher (still think that) but knowing that although the kids were moving about, they were absorbing what I was saying and able to say it back to me. I know it was God because there was no way in heck that was coming from me! But God knew that was what I needed to hear. I needed to realize that my voice is important and that what I say has impact. It was just remarkable.

Another thing that just blew me away about camp was the way all of the bottom lines were applicable to my life.
Me.
A 19 (almost 20 :D) year old adult person.
I will list the bottom lines from camp:

God wants to do something in me that is bigger than just me...
I have to keep depending on God's power in my life...
What is important to Jesus should be important to me...
When things get hard don't forget what you know...
When I trust in Jesus He promises He will always be with me...
God wants to use me to show others the power of forgiveness... 


What. The. Crap.

When I heard the first one, I will never forget it, I was on my blackberry and when the storyteller (who tried to steal my Starbucks....) said that from the stage my head snapped up and stared at the screen. It was what I needed to hear and it took everything in me to not cry on the spot. And then it just kept going with each bottom line.

Then I got to thinking about what powerful Christ followers we are helping raise up. These kids are learning truths that I still struggle with which is awesome because they have all their lives to learn how it applies to their lives. It makes me a little jealous because I believe that if I had their knowledge about God at their age, I would have grown up with a lot less doubt in my life.

I thank God everyday that I have been put in a position that I am able to convey these truths to our kids in a manner in which they will be able to retain and gain confidence in God. I try not to think about it too much because I will start to feel unworthy but it is such an honor and I'm so grateful for Journey for allowing me to be involved. :)

Till next time...