Musings of the Mused: Post-Decision Life...

It's been a week since my decision to not pursue Kingston anymore. 

This is my post-decision life.

It's kind of weird.

It's weird because I know I'm not going but it's still okay; the world has not fallen in upon itself nor has my life become a scene from Les Mis...

"I had a dream my life would be..." 

To be completely honest, after the blog posted, I had a sense of relieve the entire day. I was wholly at peace with my decision and I was ready to pursue the next chapter in my life. Now that I think about it, that whole Kingston thing was really stressing me out. Like, unhealthily stressing me out. It all came to a head when I found myself completely broken down in my parent's bedroom painfully shouting what I was feeling and realising this was a problem. 

I had allowed my pursuit to slowly but surely consume me until I was a ticking time bomb of pent up emotions. It's really scary, now that I think about it. Saying, "I'm going to let this go for good" was quite possibly the best thing that I could have done. It was like hitting the pressure release on my life and I was able to breathe. 

:le sigh:

Sure I'm still super bummed about not going and I've still put off sending that email to Kingston letting them know that I'm not actually coming...those things will pass and that email will be sent...eventually... ;P

In other news, I have a writing job! I'm a real life freelance writer which is interesting because that was the field I wanted to do in the first place but I thought it would be too difficult. I'm writing product descriptions for a website which, let's be real, is not what I really want to do long term. BUT it pays and I'm getting really good at it! My boss tells me that I'm one of his best writers which is why he's basically coaching me through this and trying to get the best work out of me. It's tough work but I'm learning a lot, getting some experience under my belt and I'm getting an extra paycheck every week which rocks. Definitely need that. 

I was talking to one of my best friends and she was telling me about her recent discovery of a passion she had and how excited she was about pursuing it. I'm always so proud of my friends when they discover something that they love and that they want to excel at. I was able to relate with her and talk about my writing job and how I'm working my way up to where I want to be. She was able to relate with me in the same regard; doing jobs that she doesn't particularly like in an effort to work her way to her dream job. 

I want to write editorials and articles for magazines and blogs.  I want to travel; see all the world has to offer and I want to learn as I go along. I want to learn languages and cultures and delve into the cornucopia of experiences this amazing world has to offer.  I want to be inspired by the things around me and live in a different place every couple of years. I've realised very quickly that I have a traveller's spirit. I thrive on being in a new place and seeing new things. I get bored very easily and that's reflected in a lot of things that I do (i.e. my resume). The fact that this blog is still going after 3 years is a bloody miracle. 

Anyway, that was a bit of a ramble but I tend to do that on this blog. This is my zen place. I'm not worried about structure or topics; I just write what's on my mind and one my heart. The "Musings of the Mused", I believe is my tag line. 

If you've lasted with me for this long, I want you to remember to figure out what you are passionate about. I figured out writing, travel and music were my passions by asking myself "would I do this even if I knew I wouldn't be rich?" The answer was yes and it just made sense. However, the way we figure out our passions is different so give yourself time. Be patient. I'm speaking to myself as well so don't worry. Some people don't know what they're passionate about until they are dropped into a situation. Others don't figure out unless it's by accident. We're all different in more than one way or another so this self-discovery of passions is no different. 

Now that I'm sure what I'm passionate about, I'm going to start focusing on that. I'm going to be writing and I'm going to be making travelling one of my priorities. It's going to happen. And I'm still going to be looking for more writing jobs! I want to be able to write full time and support myself. That's the dream and I'm dreaming it suckas! Hahaha!! 

Okay I need the sleeps...

I'll be keeping you all posted on my musings and my life as always! Love you! <3 :)

Till Next Time...

Finding Hope...

God is an interesting fellow...

Recently, I set out to do something I never really thought I could. This thing would have put me in a very different place than I'm at right now. A pretty good place, I thought, but a very different place.

Without going into tons of detail, it didn't work out so now I'm back at this place in my life that I've been kept in for a quite a while now. This place of uncertainty, doubt and feeling stagnant. 

I feel like I've been trapped in a bubble. Nay. A forcefield; the world around me keeps spinning along but I remain stationary. I can't effect anything or change anything and, anytime I try to move, I'm snapped right back. It's frustration, putting it lightly.

In my mind, I know this means that God is moving...actually, I don't know He's moving but I have to believe He's moving. I have to have hope that He is ordering steps in the direction He wants me to go. I have to trust that or else I will go insane. 

However, I am trying to prepare my heart for hurt because if things continue as they are, I will be hurt. A lot. I know there is a chance for things to turn out just fine but I don't see it. I can't see it. All I can do is wait and see what happens. And it's easy to say the Christian things but, let's be real, I'm kind of past the Christian things. The words that Christians say to other but really they're thinking something completely different. So I'm just going to say it how it is. (The PG version)

This sucks.

I know the Christian walk isn't rainbows and daisies but I'd like to at least frolic on a rolling hill or something every now and again. I mean come on.

While we're on the honesty train, I'm at a place in my life where I don't feel God. I feel like I'm in a white room with no doors or windows. Sterile, cold and clinical. When I pray, I feel like it's echoing in an empty hall or bouncing around the room. And the more desperate my prayers become, the less I feel like they're being heard. In my brain, I feel like there should be a formula but there isn't. I don't know what to do and it feels like God has put me on hold indefinitely.

Needless to say, it's really really hard to have faith in this time of my life. But I have to have faith. It goes back to the "I need to believe or I'm going to freak out" thing. No matter how bleak things are, I seem to still find that glimmer of hope. That little flame on the burner that refuses to go out. It's kind of my nature. 

I'm a Leo. I'm not a mystic but I know what things to take into my life and what to leave and I accept the fact that I am a Leo. A lion. Stubborn but fierce. Not to be trifled with and, when you think about it, with God I am more prone to be bold and a further threat. I will fight. Win or lose I will fight. 

If I lose, I will cry. I will be angry. I will say things I don't mean. I know this. But I will always get back up because that's just the way God made me. If I win, I will rejoice and then look for the next challenge because I get really bored really quickly. It's just the way it works. I know myself well enough to be able to admit that. 

I actually wrote this from my personal journal (edited for the internets of course) and figured it would encourage someone to find their hope. My hope is in God, I know that, but there are things that remind me of that hope. For me, it's looking at maps haha! It sounds silly but when I look at a map of the world, I see my future. I see everything I was meant to do, see and be. I see stories that are waiting to be written and chapters waiting for me to crack open and begin. I see a journey that I have yet to embark on and that moves me. It gives me that feeling in my stomach that usually happens on the ride up a roller coaster and gets me pumped. 

Maps hold a special place in my heart next to playing music. Even when I'm just in the pits, I can look at a map or play a song that will help me carry onward and upward. 

Just know that there is hope out there and it's just waiting for you to find it. :)

Till Next Time...