Driftwood Syndrome...

Last week was the first week for university students. 

This week it's the first day for elementary, middle, and high school students. 

Basically, this means that almost everyone I know is now involved in school. 

Then there's me. 

I feel like I've talked about this before but I feel like my life is a cycle. No matter how hard I try to break the cycle, it keeps rolling back around. To say it's annoying is a grand understatement. It's hard to look forward when the past seems to repeat itself over and over again. 

I don't understand. 

I've said it before and I will say it again, I want to be in school. I feel like the reason I don't feel motivated to do anything else is because I feel inadequate and unprepared. Learning, for me, is the best way to feel prepared for things in life. I want to be a writer but I know that education affords me the ability to learn new skills that will help me be a better writer. It's just frustrating because it's the door I haven't been able to open. 

Speaking of school, I've had to rehash the Kingston thing nearly every single day in the month of August. Although I've come to terms, it's still very painful and the more people ask what I'm going to do next, the more uncertain about the future I feel. I've lost my focal point and now I feel like I'm drifting about. As a result, my writing has suffered and my overall motivation for getting up in the morning has taken a huge blow. 

Also, let's not even begin to talk about my spiritual life. It's hard to talk about. I went to my college group on Wednesday and the topic was faith and the further we went into conversation, the more I didn't want to talk about it any more. The final blow was the question, "When was the last time you acted in faith and what was the result?" I seriously wanted to run out of the room and walk home. My spiritual life seems to be the major casualty out of this whole thing. I felt abandoned by God. Like literally abandoned. I thought he wanted something for me, I went for it, and he didn't show up. It's hard to just bounce back from that. I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to see him, or hear about how much he loves me when I know how I felt when I thought we were on the same page and he didn't do anything to help me. I was completely alone in this and I wish I could say this was the first time. 

Phew! Okay. I'm done talking about that portion of my life. I need to find a new focal point. That's what's going to put me back in the swing and get me motivated. This driftwood syndrome is not my cuppa. 

(British reference. I told you I would be insufferable. It begins.)

Till Next Time...