So I'm sitting here, looking at my class schedule for fall semester and just thinking about so many things.
Yesterday, I registered for all the classes I wanted to take (minus Spanish 111 and History 111 :/) and suddenly I was plagued by all kinds of worry. See, the classes I'm taking are on campus. All of them, minus my Political Science course which is online. This started the snowball of terror about a car, then about paying for classes, paying for books, scolding myself for buying everything this year and countless other things. It finally came to the point, when I was trying to take a nap before work, that I just said, "God, I need peace. There's no freaking way I can do this anymore; all the worrying and fear. I need you to take it." It was at that moment that I started going through my Bible app (I'm such a modern Christian...) and reading passages about peace and being imperfect. I was reminded of God's love and how Jesus wasn't worried when He had so much to worry about. There's a passage in John where Jesus is praying before He's about to be betrayed. He didn't whine to God about how afraid he was, nor did he ask God to give him peace. He knew that God knew what He was doing and in the prayer he prayed, He prayed for us, the future believers in Christ. He prayed that we would receive the same joy that was imparted to him by God, that we would be with him in Heaven and that we would have everything that Jesus had and more! That brought such great perspective! Here I am worrying about my life and how it's going to pan out in the next couple months when Jesus was about to die for the sins of the world and he prayed for people he did not even meet yet.
I say all that to say that I'm done with the worrying. It's stupid and I say that all the time but it really is. I'm quickly discovering how much of a worrier I am and I need to take steps to combat that. With knowledge comes responsibility. Now that I know, I have a mandate to take action, for I lose all rights to complain or worry when I know what combats that and that's getting into the word; bringing myself perspective through reading my Bible and reminding myself that there's so much more to this life. My life is such a flicker so I should be making more of it other than aging myself ungracefully with worry!
This is all coming after a couple of months where I've felt really really distant from God. I don't remember a time in my life where I was so challenged in my faith and how much of a grip God has on my heart. I've realized that whether I read my Bible or pray or even go to meet with my church, music will be the one thing that I will not stop doing. God knows this and He has made worship my anchor in Him and He, my anchor to this world. Worship music is my passion and whenever I start to doubt, God will manage to put me in a situation where I have to come before Him with my music. I don't know any other way to play music than to come before God and that...there's really no describing how interesting that is haha When you're questioning God and faith and then brought to a situation where you are placed in a spot directly in front of Him. It's both confusing and reassuring at the same time. In that moment of playing, I feel God's realness and at the time it kind of made me mad but looking back, it was the only thing keeping me from stepping away from God, to be completely honest. I'm coming through this pretty beaten up but I know my best days are ahead of me. I'm still being molded and shaped and tempered but I still have God and he has me so I'm golden!
If I could just ask that you all keep me in your prayer. Pray that I pursue God with a recklessness. I'm tired of being safe with God. It's kind of boring haha Also pray that God helps me see what He's doing in the next couple of months and that he continues to provide. Looking back at everything, I'm seeing how much God has provided and suddenly my worry seems meaningless. God had my back so there should not be a reason He still wouldn't have my back. I've already decided that my education is priority and that I need to do whatever it takes; even if it means I have to walk 30 minutes to school every single day. I'm not going to let things get in my way. I have a desire to learn and God will help me, of this I am assured.
Till Next Time...
Showing posts with label tough. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tough. Show all posts
6.20.2012
4.02.2012
Say/Do
Last week, LifeCity started meeting during the week as a missional community. Now, if you don't know what missional community is all about, essentially it is a group of about 15 to 20 people who gather for the specific purpose to grow in their walk with Christ and to reach out to people in their communities. It's really beautiful and worth a look-see. (*SEE BOTTOM!*) Anyways, we talked about the church and what it means to "be the church" and not "go to church". There is this idea that people "go to church" which is actually incorrect theology. We are the church. Everywhere we go, we are the church.
This got me thinking about the church, the mission of the church, our responsibility as the church and a bunch of other things. I was super quiet in our meeting simply because I was processing through all this information and drawing connections and getting a better understanding. But now I'm ready to talk! Now, to preface, I'm not a Bible scholar (surprise!). I'm simply seeing and responding to what I see.
I feel like the church as a whole is kind of going through a bit of reform of sorts. We've gotten so accustomed to saying, "we're going to church guys!" that we've kind of lost track of what we're actually doing. Some of us know that we're saying, "we are the church, we're just going to a building" but, thankfully, people don't know what we are thinking! We, as the church, cannot continue to go around saying, "we're going to church" simply because people who are not in the church begin to foster an incorrect ideology that the church is a building and not a body of people. They are, in essence, being deceived and therefore changing any type of idea they had about the church. We, as the church, need to say what we mean and not just expect people to just know. This extends all ways of life but this is most essential in the church. I feel like the church as a whole is needing to backpedal and say, "hey, we're sorry for saying this. We actually meant to say this," to billions of people. And if you think we don't, just ask someone what they think about the church. Chances are that you're not going to get nice answers and the word that might surface is the word hypocrisy because the church is saying one thing and doing another.
This change of thought is what is going to revive the church. Saying that, "we are the church" is a manner of ownership. We are taking responsibility over our faith and challenging ourselves in the process to be the face of the church because, I mean, we are. Every where we go. Everyone we talk to. We are direct representations of the church as a whole whether it is fair or not. People who have no idea of the church are watching what you do at every moment and they will judge the church as a whole based on what you do. Yes, that is a great burden to bear but what a beautiful burden it is! Jesus, by calling you to be apart of His family, is essentially saying, "I trust you to represent my church everywhere you go. I have confidence in you to carry My Name well."
I get chills when I think about that.
This is what it means to be an ambassador for Christ. And as ambassadors, we have a responsibility that if we see a need, we shouldn't need to send them to a pastor or an elder, we should gladly move forward and help fulfill the need. This reminds me when the disciples sent the sick to Jesus not realizing that the same power that rested in Christ also rested within them.
Can you imagine if they came to that realization? Imagine the impact.
Now apply that to today.
Do you see?
I think people are actually kind of terrified by saying, "we are the church" otherwise we would jump to the opportunity to say it. By saying, "I am the church" we're are slapping a spotlight on our lives and suddenly everything counts. Our lives suddenly have a standard to live up to and people are afraid to embark on that. And I'm no exception! I think it's terrifying to think that my life as a whole is a direct representation of how people perceive the church. But I mean, that's small compared to the fact that Christ gave His entire life for us. The very least He is requiring of us is to live right and reflect His transformation in our lives. I mean, really...
Goodness, the more I think about the church and our role in the world and our responsibility the more I come to more realizations of Jesus' view of the church. It's a beautiful think to think about.
So that's my two-cents! I would love to hear what people think about this subject.
Till Next Time...
**If you wanted to know more about missional community, there's an awesome video that I was shown that shows it in action. It's about 15 minutes long but it's worth every bit of your time. Missional Community
This got me thinking about the church, the mission of the church, our responsibility as the church and a bunch of other things. I was super quiet in our meeting simply because I was processing through all this information and drawing connections and getting a better understanding. But now I'm ready to talk! Now, to preface, I'm not a Bible scholar (surprise!). I'm simply seeing and responding to what I see.
I feel like the church as a whole is kind of going through a bit of reform of sorts. We've gotten so accustomed to saying, "we're going to church guys!" that we've kind of lost track of what we're actually doing. Some of us know that we're saying, "we are the church, we're just going to a building" but, thankfully, people don't know what we are thinking! We, as the church, cannot continue to go around saying, "we're going to church" simply because people who are not in the church begin to foster an incorrect ideology that the church is a building and not a body of people. They are, in essence, being deceived and therefore changing any type of idea they had about the church. We, as the church, need to say what we mean and not just expect people to just know. This extends all ways of life but this is most essential in the church. I feel like the church as a whole is needing to backpedal and say, "hey, we're sorry for saying this. We actually meant to say this," to billions of people. And if you think we don't, just ask someone what they think about the church. Chances are that you're not going to get nice answers and the word that might surface is the word hypocrisy because the church is saying one thing and doing another.
This change of thought is what is going to revive the church. Saying that, "we are the church" is a manner of ownership. We are taking responsibility over our faith and challenging ourselves in the process to be the face of the church because, I mean, we are. Every where we go. Everyone we talk to. We are direct representations of the church as a whole whether it is fair or not. People who have no idea of the church are watching what you do at every moment and they will judge the church as a whole based on what you do. Yes, that is a great burden to bear but what a beautiful burden it is! Jesus, by calling you to be apart of His family, is essentially saying, "I trust you to represent my church everywhere you go. I have confidence in you to carry My Name well."
I get chills when I think about that.
This is what it means to be an ambassador for Christ. And as ambassadors, we have a responsibility that if we see a need, we shouldn't need to send them to a pastor or an elder, we should gladly move forward and help fulfill the need. This reminds me when the disciples sent the sick to Jesus not realizing that the same power that rested in Christ also rested within them.
Can you imagine if they came to that realization? Imagine the impact.
Now apply that to today.
Do you see?
I think people are actually kind of terrified by saying, "we are the church" otherwise we would jump to the opportunity to say it. By saying, "I am the church" we're are slapping a spotlight on our lives and suddenly everything counts. Our lives suddenly have a standard to live up to and people are afraid to embark on that. And I'm no exception! I think it's terrifying to think that my life as a whole is a direct representation of how people perceive the church. But I mean, that's small compared to the fact that Christ gave His entire life for us. The very least He is requiring of us is to live right and reflect His transformation in our lives. I mean, really...
Goodness, the more I think about the church and our role in the world and our responsibility the more I come to more realizations of Jesus' view of the church. It's a beautiful think to think about.
So that's my two-cents! I would love to hear what people think about this subject.
Till Next Time...
**If you wanted to know more about missional community, there's an awesome video that I was shown that shows it in action. It's about 15 minutes long but it's worth every bit of your time. Missional Community
2.25.2012
Dispelling the Whispers: Rumour Has It...
:sigh:
I guess it's about time to address the whispers going around and speeding through the grapevine. I always knew that word traveled fast around Journey but it's just different when I experience is first hand. 1. It ruins all surprises and 2. It gets to important people well before I can get to these certain important people...
However, now that I haveinformed confirmed certain things to certain important people, I felt it would be good for the rest of the populace to hear straight from the horse's mouth.
The rumours are true. I have decided to be a part of a core team of people to help launch LifeCity Church in August! LifeCity is led by Darby Jurls and his wife Amy and I'm behind them 100%. I believe in the vision they have and I trust Darby implicitly. I'm very excited and completely terrified in the best way possible haha!
I always knew that I was supposed to make a big move of faith this year and this is it! Of course, I thought it was Europe but I'm actually quite thrilled that it isn't. In fact, I'm pretty sure that this is better that Europe. I can already feel God stretching me to do things and step out in faith in a completely different way and it's awesome!
It's also kind of sad because Journey has been my home for 6 years and just as I'm getting into a comfortable swing, God is scooping me out and setting me on my way lol But that's also a part of the problem. I have become quite comfortable at Journey and kind of plateaued spiritually. In Jimmy's message, something that stuck out to me is that growing isn't comfortable. That convicted me for quite a while so I decided to do something about it.
In all of this, in leaving Journey, I've actually come to understand it better which is completely weird. I'm finally understanding the vision of Journey and the strategy that Jimmy has. Journey is a launching pad. It trains up new believers to maturity and then launches them into the world to fulfill the mission Christ set out for the Church. I always sort of understood it in a way while I was attending but looking back I can see it clearly now. I grew up so much in these past 6 years and now I'm nearing the launching zone with these great people.
I can already feel like it's going to be hard making the transition but it's not going to actually hit home until March 18th (yes, March) when we branch off from Journey and meet as a core team for 6 months until we launch. However, this does not mean the end of all friendships at Journey; I am not falling off the face of the planet. I live like 2 blocks away from the church for crying out loud! I'm trying to hold on to that fact to keep from emotionally spiraling haha!
So the journey begins, and I'm ready for it. I'm currently actively looking for a car and getting started with things in that regard. It's going to be tough because I have a super low budget but my God is greater! I told God, "I have $1,000. I need a car. I'm giving this to You and trusting that You will come through." So that's that! I'm still searching but I know God is working already :)
Till Next Time...
I guess it's about time to address the whispers going around and speeding through the grapevine. I always knew that word traveled fast around Journey but it's just different when I experience is first hand. 1. It ruins all surprises and 2. It gets to important people well before I can get to these certain important people...
However, now that I have
The rumours are true. I have decided to be a part of a core team of people to help launch LifeCity Church in August! LifeCity is led by Darby Jurls and his wife Amy and I'm behind them 100%. I believe in the vision they have and I trust Darby implicitly. I'm very excited and completely terrified in the best way possible haha!
I always knew that I was supposed to make a big move of faith this year and this is it! Of course, I thought it was Europe but I'm actually quite thrilled that it isn't. In fact, I'm pretty sure that this is better that Europe. I can already feel God stretching me to do things and step out in faith in a completely different way and it's awesome!
It's also kind of sad because Journey has been my home for 6 years and just as I'm getting into a comfortable swing, God is scooping me out and setting me on my way lol But that's also a part of the problem. I have become quite comfortable at Journey and kind of plateaued spiritually. In Jimmy's message, something that stuck out to me is that growing isn't comfortable. That convicted me for quite a while so I decided to do something about it.
In all of this, in leaving Journey, I've actually come to understand it better which is completely weird. I'm finally understanding the vision of Journey and the strategy that Jimmy has. Journey is a launching pad. It trains up new believers to maturity and then launches them into the world to fulfill the mission Christ set out for the Church. I always sort of understood it in a way while I was attending but looking back I can see it clearly now. I grew up so much in these past 6 years and now I'm nearing the launching zone with these great people.
I can already feel like it's going to be hard making the transition but it's not going to actually hit home until March 18th (yes, March) when we branch off from Journey and meet as a core team for 6 months until we launch. However, this does not mean the end of all friendships at Journey; I am not falling off the face of the planet. I live like 2 blocks away from the church for crying out loud! I'm trying to hold on to that fact to keep from emotionally spiraling haha!
So the journey begins, and I'm ready for it. I'm currently actively looking for a car and getting started with things in that regard. It's going to be tough because I have a super low budget but my God is greater! I told God, "I have $1,000. I need a car. I'm giving this to You and trusting that You will come through." So that's that! I'm still searching but I know God is working already :)
Till Next Time...
3.21.2011
My Secret Is....
I hate asking myself the hard questions.
Like, 'What do you believe in?'
And, 'What is your secret?', 'What is holding you back in your walk with God?'
Those questions, however helpful, are freakin awful.
I just got back from small group where I found myself tuning in and out the topic at hand to ask myself those questions. I was not prepared to ask myself anything really. In fact, if I was being honest with myself, I really didn't think I needed to ask myself those questions at all.
I mean, I accepted Christ when I was 7 and really started living out my faith when I was 13 or 14 so I felt like I shouldn't really need to ask myself 'What do you believe in?'. Sure those questions are very healthy to ask but just asking them (again, mind you) felt...dirty.
Anyways, small group, really deep stuff.
I began thinking about what was holding me back from living a fulfilled life and I feel like I've known all along but chose to believe it was something else.
The answer I came to admit to myself is that I'm afraid of being vulnerable. It's really the answer to a lot of the problems I have. It's the reason I'm terrified of a relationship with anyone, including God; the reason I struggle with writing music, the reason I am out of touch with many emotions....the list could go on.
It's really to the point that I begin to shake uncontrollably when I start talking about anything that is personal to me. It's like a reflex. My heart starts to open and my brain immediately moves in and says "whoa there! What's going on here? SEAL THE DOORS!" the alarm, the shuddering, goes off and that's that.
I don't know why I'm posting this in a blog, admitting my faults online, but maybe someone somewhere will read this and feel safe knowing that they're not alone.
But I am not satisfied just knowing this about myself. God allows things to be revealed to make us better and to draw us closer to Him and I am determined to fight against this.
"God has not given us the spirit of fear but the spirit of Love and of a sound mind"
It is not God's will for me to live bound by fear and I trust that He will see me through.
Till Next Time...
P.S. Totally thought I got off easy Sunday because I thought, 'I don't have a secret! Psh!'...this is way worst because of the false hope....lol
Like, 'What do you believe in?'
And, 'What is your secret?', 'What is holding you back in your walk with God?'
Those questions, however helpful, are freakin awful.
I just got back from small group where I found myself tuning in and out the topic at hand to ask myself those questions. I was not prepared to ask myself anything really. In fact, if I was being honest with myself, I really didn't think I needed to ask myself those questions at all.
I mean, I accepted Christ when I was 7 and really started living out my faith when I was 13 or 14 so I felt like I shouldn't really need to ask myself 'What do you believe in?'. Sure those questions are very healthy to ask but just asking them (again, mind you) felt...dirty.
Anyways, small group, really deep stuff.
I began thinking about what was holding me back from living a fulfilled life and I feel like I've known all along but chose to believe it was something else.
The answer I came to admit to myself is that I'm afraid of being vulnerable. It's really the answer to a lot of the problems I have. It's the reason I'm terrified of a relationship with anyone, including God; the reason I struggle with writing music, the reason I am out of touch with many emotions....the list could go on.
It's really to the point that I begin to shake uncontrollably when I start talking about anything that is personal to me. It's like a reflex. My heart starts to open and my brain immediately moves in and says "whoa there! What's going on here? SEAL THE DOORS!" the alarm, the shuddering, goes off and that's that.
I don't know why I'm posting this in a blog, admitting my faults online, but maybe someone somewhere will read this and feel safe knowing that they're not alone.
But I am not satisfied just knowing this about myself. God allows things to be revealed to make us better and to draw us closer to Him and I am determined to fight against this.
"God has not given us the spirit of fear but the spirit of Love and of a sound mind"
It is not God's will for me to live bound by fear and I trust that He will see me through.
Till Next Time...
P.S. Totally thought I got off easy Sunday because I thought, 'I don't have a secret! Psh!'...this is way worst because of the false hope....lol
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