Musings of the Mused: Post-Decision Life...

It's been a week since my decision to not pursue Kingston anymore. 

This is my post-decision life.

It's kind of weird.

It's weird because I know I'm not going but it's still okay; the world has not fallen in upon itself nor has my life become a scene from Les Mis...

"I had a dream my life would be..." 

To be completely honest, after the blog posted, I had a sense of relieve the entire day. I was wholly at peace with my decision and I was ready to pursue the next chapter in my life. Now that I think about it, that whole Kingston thing was really stressing me out. Like, unhealthily stressing me out. It all came to a head when I found myself completely broken down in my parent's bedroom painfully shouting what I was feeling and realising this was a problem. 

I had allowed my pursuit to slowly but surely consume me until I was a ticking time bomb of pent up emotions. It's really scary, now that I think about it. Saying, "I'm going to let this go for good" was quite possibly the best thing that I could have done. It was like hitting the pressure release on my life and I was able to breathe. 

:le sigh:

Sure I'm still super bummed about not going and I've still put off sending that email to Kingston letting them know that I'm not actually coming...those things will pass and that email will be sent...eventually... ;P

In other news, I have a writing job! I'm a real life freelance writer which is interesting because that was the field I wanted to do in the first place but I thought it would be too difficult. I'm writing product descriptions for a website which, let's be real, is not what I really want to do long term. BUT it pays and I'm getting really good at it! My boss tells me that I'm one of his best writers which is why he's basically coaching me through this and trying to get the best work out of me. It's tough work but I'm learning a lot, getting some experience under my belt and I'm getting an extra paycheck every week which rocks. Definitely need that. 

I was talking to one of my best friends and she was telling me about her recent discovery of a passion she had and how excited she was about pursuing it. I'm always so proud of my friends when they discover something that they love and that they want to excel at. I was able to relate with her and talk about my writing job and how I'm working my way up to where I want to be. She was able to relate with me in the same regard; doing jobs that she doesn't particularly like in an effort to work her way to her dream job. 

I want to write editorials and articles for magazines and blogs.  I want to travel; see all the world has to offer and I want to learn as I go along. I want to learn languages and cultures and delve into the cornucopia of experiences this amazing world has to offer.  I want to be inspired by the things around me and live in a different place every couple of years. I've realised very quickly that I have a traveller's spirit. I thrive on being in a new place and seeing new things. I get bored very easily and that's reflected in a lot of things that I do (i.e. my resume). The fact that this blog is still going after 3 years is a bloody miracle. 

Anyway, that was a bit of a ramble but I tend to do that on this blog. This is my zen place. I'm not worried about structure or topics; I just write what's on my mind and one my heart. The "Musings of the Mused", I believe is my tag line. 

If you've lasted with me for this long, I want you to remember to figure out what you are passionate about. I figured out writing, travel and music were my passions by asking myself "would I do this even if I knew I wouldn't be rich?" The answer was yes and it just made sense. However, the way we figure out our passions is different so give yourself time. Be patient. I'm speaking to myself as well so don't worry. Some people don't know what they're passionate about until they are dropped into a situation. Others don't figure out unless it's by accident. We're all different in more than one way or another so this self-discovery of passions is no different. 

Now that I'm sure what I'm passionate about, I'm going to start focusing on that. I'm going to be writing and I'm going to be making travelling one of my priorities. It's going to happen. And I'm still going to be looking for more writing jobs! I want to be able to write full time and support myself. That's the dream and I'm dreaming it suckas! Hahaha!! 

Okay I need the sleeps...

I'll be keeping you all posted on my musings and my life as always! Love you! <3 :)

Till Next Time...

A Little Bit Wiser...

I'm a big fan of how this week started. 

Compared to how I've been feeling the past couple of weeks, I'm in a good place. Yesterday (Sunday) I got to have some really good conversations and really was able to get a different prospective on my situation and my future. 

At my church, when I'm not playing in the band, I volunteer with the check-in station for the kids department. It's something I've done for a long time and I can honestly say that I love it. I took some time away from it (much needed time) but, now that I'm back, I'm seeing why I loved it in the first place. 

Anyway, whilst the service is going on there isn't much traffic in the lobby however there is a need for someone to stand guard. It could vary between 1-3 people but it's in those times that you get to know the people you're serving alongside in a way you wouldn't during the "rush hour". During the second service, I was able to have a wonderful conversation with one of the guys who serves with the security team but also assists with the technical side of check-in (he also happens to be married to the director). I honestly can't remember the last time I had such a great conversation. Being able to talk about things like work ethic, personality, music, ambition and countless other things was so refreshing to me who absolutely loathes the small talk...

One of the significant points in the conversation for me was when I was talking about my own situation and how I feel impatient with how things are progressing with my life/career. I can see my own potential but my potential isn't recognised or appreciated, I get self-aware and conscious of my work. 

"Am I doing something wrong?" 

"Am I not good enough?" 

"Am I asking for too much?"  

One thing he said was (I'm paraphrasing) that yes it's good to see your own potential but this time doing proverbial "grunt work" is actual preparation for elevation. As cliche as that sounds. People who elevate too quickly usually find themselves overwhelmed and unable to function properly. Much like getting the bends when coming up from deep water too quickly. 

It really spoke volumes to me and brought a whole new prospective on what is going on. I shouldn't doubt myself just because I'm not being elevated but I should perfect my work until the time comes when I'm recognised for my work and given an opportunity. That way, I won't get the "work bends" and won't find myself in a corner, rocking myself, drinking whiskey from a bottle because I'm so stressed out

Later that day, I was able to have a seriously real and honest conversation with my best friend. She's one of the people that gives it to me straight and doesn't tell me what I want to hear which is what I desperately needed. I truly don't think she realises how much she helps me by being honest about what she's seeing in the situation. Our conversation allowed me to step back get a wider view of what is going on and be realistic without losing my dream. It also made me optimistic about the future and what my next step is. 

With that being said, I created a list. Something to reference to when I start to lose focus. This list is divided into 3 sections: 

What do I want for my life? 

What do I love(am passionate about)? 

& How can I reconcile these things together?

From this list (which is more detailed in my journal), I've determined that I want to be doing something involving travelling, writing and music. These are the things I'm passionate about. I believe this is general enough to be flexible yet narrow enough to give me focus. I also said I want an education. I am passionate about learning and the fact that getting to university has been such a struggle frustrates me. However, I am willing to fight for my own further education.

I can already see this finally making me grow up some more and make some adult decisions about my life that I've been afraid to do. I don't think my brain has quite realised that I am an adult and I need to make decisions that no one else is going to make for me. Well I am a little bit wiser thanks to my friends and I'm ready to figure this thing out no matter how long it takes.

:) 

Till Next Time...

Cross the Threshold...

Adulthood.

Land of full-time jobs, benefits, vacation time and 401ks.

Housed within a fortress of mile high, steel walls. 

Guarded by employers fending off the inexperiences.

Meanwhile, those with connections inside, are flown in via helicopter or smuggled in through the holes in the wall. 

That may be an exaggeration but that's exactly what it feels like. I know many people who are in my situation, who desire consistency and an ample salary to do the things we all need to do. 

I have grown weary of the retail world and I want to regain the humanity years of retail has stolen from me. I want to wake up and not dread my job. I want to be happy and work and make a living. Is that too much to ask? 

Apparently so...

In May, school will send me information and before long I will be flying away to Europe, passport and visa in hand. With it fast approaching, I have begun to really really think about what I want from my life. 

I want to be happy and to quit wasting my time with things I don't even care about. I want to write. I want to love my job. I want to make a difference. I want to help people. I am sick and tired of feeling trapped by my work experience. 

I want someone to see my potential and drive. I want to be respected. I want to be taught. I want to be loved. I want to prove to people that I am not what I seem. I want to cross the threshold into the unknown and pave the way for others to follow suit. 

I am bold. 

I am impassioned. 

I am driven.

I am me. 

I am capable of doing anything.

I just have to find a way to make people see it. I must make them have no other choice but to see it.