The Anchor...

So I'm sitting here, looking at my class schedule for fall semester and just thinking about so many things.

Yesterday, I registered for all the classes I wanted to take (minus Spanish 111 and History 111 :/) and suddenly I was plagued by all kinds of worry. See, the classes I'm taking are on campus. All of them, minus my Political Science course which is online. This started the snowball of terror about a car, then about paying for classes, paying for books, scolding myself for buying everything this year and countless other things. It finally came to the point, when I was trying to take a nap before work, that I just said, "God, I need peace. There's no freaking way I can do this anymore; all the worrying and fear. I need you to take it." It was at that moment that I started going through my Bible app (I'm such a modern Christian...) and reading passages about peace and being imperfect. I was reminded of God's love and how Jesus wasn't worried when He had so much to worry about. There's a passage in John where Jesus is praying before He's about to be betrayed. He didn't whine to God about how afraid he was, nor did he ask God to give him peace. He knew that God knew what He was doing and in the prayer he prayed, He prayed for us, the future believers in Christ. He prayed that we would receive the same joy that was imparted to him by God, that we would be with him in Heaven and that we would have everything that Jesus had and more! That brought such great perspective! Here I am worrying about my life and how it's going to pan out in the next couple months when Jesus was about to die for the sins of the world and he prayed for people he did not even meet yet.

I say all that to say that I'm done with the worrying. It's stupid and I say that all the time but it really is. I'm quickly discovering how much of a worrier I am and I need to take steps to combat that. With knowledge comes responsibility. Now that I know, I have a mandate to take action, for I lose all rights to complain or worry when I know what combats that and that's getting into the word; bringing myself perspective through reading my Bible and reminding myself that there's so much more to this life. My life is such a flicker so I should be making more of it other than aging myself ungracefully with worry!

This is all coming after a couple of months where I've felt really really distant from God. I don't remember a time in my life where I was so challenged in my faith and how much of a grip God has on my heart. I've realized that whether I read my Bible or pray or even go to meet with my church, music will be the one thing that I will not stop doing. God knows this and He has made worship my anchor in Him and He, my anchor to this world. Worship music is my passion and whenever I start to doubt, God will manage to put me in a situation where I have to come before Him with my music. I don't know any other way to play music than to come before God and that...there's really no describing how interesting that is haha When you're questioning God and faith and then brought to a situation where you are placed in a spot directly in front of Him. It's both confusing and reassuring at the same time. In that moment of playing, I feel God's realness and at the time it kind of made me mad but looking back, it was the only thing keeping me from stepping away from God, to be completely honest. I'm coming through this pretty beaten up but I know my best days are ahead of me. I'm still being molded and shaped and tempered but I still have God and he has me so I'm golden! 


If I could just ask that you all keep me in your prayer. Pray that I pursue God with a recklessness. I'm tired of being safe with God. It's kind of boring haha Also pray that God helps me see what He's doing in the next couple of months and that he continues to provide. Looking back at everything, I'm seeing how much God has provided and suddenly my worry seems meaningless. God had my back so there should not be a reason He still wouldn't have my back. I've already decided that my education is priority and that I need to do whatever it takes; even if it means I have to walk 30 minutes to school every single day. I'm not going to let things get in my way. I have a desire to learn and God will help me, of this I am assured. 


Till Next Time...

Where I Am...

Lately I've been trying to measure where I am.

Not like my physical location, but my state of being.

There has been quite a lot of changes that have happened over the past couple of months and it's in these moments that I like to try and make sure I'm keeping track of everything.

All things considered, I'm in a good place! I haven't been overtly stressed, school is manageable, work is work and my family is in a good place.

For the first time in quite a while, I'm genuinely happy. It's weird to say because many times I feel like things are just whirling about me but I'm at peace. I truly believe that this is God's handiwork. Only God could have given me such peace and this all stems from trusting Him. Like I've said a billion times, I've been training myself to keep remembering that God is sovereign. Anything He does is for my good and in trusting that, I will have peace!

This is probably the first time in my entire life that I've actually begun to truly trust God that He will take care of me and not just say it. I think it started with my decision to jump aboard the LifeCity train actually. That kind of move was the catalyst that got me off my rear and start walking in the faith I say I possess. I expected it to be hard and it was at first. But God, in His mercy, has given me such a peace. I'm just going to enjoy this while I can and allow it to strengthen me to continue to trust God in everything.

On another note, Easter is approaching quickly! I'm not exaggerating when I say it snuck up on me. It really did and I feel so unprepared lol However, I'm excited to go through this weekend keeping in mind Christ's sacrifice that allowed me and billions of people to have life beyond the carnal. He defeated death by dying and paved the way to eternal life through Him! I think that's cause for epic celebration ;) Speaking of celebrating, I'm excited to be with my LifeCity family for our first Easter together! It's going to be wonderful, refreshing and countless other dazzling adjectives :) I'll be praying that you keep your thoughts on Christ and rejoice with the Church! "Christ is risen from the dead, we are one with Him again..."

Oh! Before I forget, I've been listening to Christy Nockels' new album "Into the Glorious" practically non-stop since it was released. It's so worshipful. You can tell that these are her prayers to the Lord and not just songs for an album. She has meditated on these, it has taken root in her and it's reflected in the passion she has in her voice. SO amazing. Goodness gracious. God bless Christy Nockels and her brilliant musical prowess. haha! So if you want to get saved all over again, I recommend downloading it. It's like 10 buckaroos. Not a lot at all.

If you don't get it, I'll just assume you don't want to be saved or you don't love Jesus... :P haha!

Till Next Time...

P.S. How do you like the new layout? Cool huh? :)

Dispelling the Whispers: Rumour Has It...

:sigh:


I guess it's about time to address the whispers going around and speeding through the grapevine. I always knew that word traveled fast around Journey but it's just different when I experience is first hand. 1. It ruins all surprises and 2. It gets to important people well before I can get to these certain important people...

However, now that I have informed confirmed certain things to certain important people, I felt it would be good for the rest of the populace to hear straight from the horse's mouth.

The rumours are true. I have decided to be a part of a core team of people to help launch LifeCity Church in August! LifeCity is led by Darby Jurls and his wife Amy and I'm behind them 100%. I believe in the vision they have and I trust Darby implicitly. I'm very excited and completely terrified in the best way possible haha!

I always knew that I was supposed to make a big move of faith this year and this is it! Of course, I thought it was Europe but I'm actually quite thrilled that it isn't. In fact, I'm pretty sure that this is better that Europe. I can already feel God stretching me to do things and step out in faith in a completely different way and it's awesome!

It's also kind of sad because Journey has been my home for 6 years and just as I'm getting into a comfortable swing, God is scooping me out and setting me on my way lol But that's also a part of the problem. I have become quite comfortable at Journey and kind of plateaued spiritually. In Jimmy's message, something that stuck out to me is that growing isn't comfortable. That convicted me for quite a while so I decided to do something about it.

In all of this, in leaving Journey, I've actually come to understand it better which is completely weird. I'm finally understanding the vision of Journey and the strategy that Jimmy has. Journey is a launching pad. It trains up new believers to maturity and then launches them into the world to fulfill the mission Christ set out for the Church. I always sort of understood it in a way while I was attending but looking back I can see it clearly now. I grew up so much in these past 6 years and now I'm nearing the launching zone with these great people.

I can already feel like it's going to be hard making the transition but it's not going to actually hit home until March 18th (yes, March) when we branch off from Journey and meet as a core team for 6 months until we launch. However, this does not mean the end of all friendships at Journey; I am not falling off the face of the planet. I live like 2 blocks away from the church for crying out loud! I'm trying to hold on to that fact to keep from emotionally spiraling haha!

So the journey begins, and I'm ready for it. I'm currently actively looking for a car and getting started with things in that regard. It's going to be tough because I have a super low budget but my God is greater! I told God, "I have $1,000. I need a car. I'm giving this to You and trusting that You will come through." So that's that! I'm still searching but I know God is working already :)

Till Next Time...

It's Time To Grow Up!

It has been nearly a month since I have blogged.

Problem.

Well at least I have some material to go on! First I will provide that update about school. I've had a lot of people asking me how school is going and I'm not sure how to answer that question. It changes over time. So I figured I would just sit down and really give an overview of my college "experience". I use the word "experience" lightly because I'm only taking one class on campus so I'm not really experiencing much in my opinion.
As far as my performance with school work, I'm doing very well. My grades are good which is more that I was expecting. The material is a little more difficult than I was expecting (Math being the odd exception) but I'm sure I'll get the hang of everything quickly. The assignments are overwhelming. More than once, I have finished my to-do list for the week and just stared at all the crap I have to get done. With the addition of work and other life things, it's pretty stressful
As far as my opinion of college: I'm going to be honest. I hate it. I'm not sure if it's just the school or the courses I'm taking but I don't like it at all. More than once I've caught myself in the middle of an assignment and asked myself, "What am I doing? Why am I doing this?". With that said, I am by no means going to quit. I'm going to finish out the semester and then complete fall semester before making any decisions as to whether I stay or not.

On another note, I've continued to think about my summer, what I shall be doing then and where I shall be going. I've been keeping in contact with my friend in Ireland and he's been helping me get information about internships in the UK. In fact, right after I finish here, I will be looking over some information he sent me! Granted, he sent it to me on the 1st of the month but who's paying attention, right? In addition to Europe, there are whispers of another option for the summer that I won't go into great detail about because nothing is set in stone but rest assured that it is a great potential opportunity ;)

And finally, my pastor is going through a series called "Time To Grow Up" which has been a lot of reiteration but much needed reiteration. Every year, my pastor challenges us to step out in faith and grow up. Something that stood out to me was that he said that you're not growing if you're comfortable (or something to that regard) and I've been pretty comfortable in some parts of my life. Last year it was Berklee which was such a learning experience and brought a lot of growing! This year is different. I was telling one of my friends that honestly, I haven't been praying about it. 1) because it's scary. I don't know what God will say. 2) because I'm afraid of what He will say and it will be what I'm thinking He's going to say. Does that make sense?
So if you would please pray for me that would be awesome. Pray for boldness and confidence in what God is going to say. Although I am afraid, I know that God is not going to lead me into abandonment. He is not a God to take you down a road that He will not walk with you down. I believe that wholeheartedly.

So I'm thinking that this is the year of boldness and faith! How that should be different than any year, I'm not sure but I am declaring it. Fear is not of God so therefore, I don't want it. Bring on the bold, baby! Wooo! :)

Till Next Time...

Welcome to 2012! Please Fasten Your Seat Belts, Thank You...

Wow! It's 2012!

To say that the beginning of 2012 was eventful is an understatement! Remember that scene in Charlie & the Chocolate Factory (the original, not the remake) where they're on the boat and it goes through the tunnel? (Yes, the really creepy scene) Well that how I felt and still feel to this day, minus the creepy. Haha!

First there was New Year's Eve which I spent with my family and with my best friend (sparkling cider, what what?!), then there was New Year's Day which was spent with my second family: Journey Church. Then the very next day began the first day of PASSION CONFERENCE! I and eleven people from my college small group loaded up into a van and headed down to "Hotlanta" which was actually quite freaking cold (it flurried one night!). As expected, the first day is always the one that passes by the fastest because you're driving, getting hotel things in order, registration, crowds of people, excitement, bags and tags and lanyards and wristbands and places here and there and everywhere!

Anyways, the rest of the week was just amazing. I always go to Passion expecting but not expecting.
I'll explain.
I'm expecting God to move in my life but I'm not expecting anything specifically if that makes any sense at all. I don't want to limit God in my thinking so by simply expecting Him to have His way, I'm opening the door for anything He has to throw at me. And He threw a lot! The main cause for this week was about human trafficking and slavery in the world. There are on average, 27 million slaves in the world which is the highest it has ever been in human history. That's ridiculous. When I heard about it, I was blown away. I had heard of Free Trade periodically but never really investigated what it really was. Little did I know that I was closing myself off to the fact that there are 27 million people who are being denied their God given right to be free people.

The whole week was kind of branching off of that and let me tell you, God certainly moved. Some of my favorite moments of the week was Beth Moore. She spoke on the woman with the issue of blood. I had heard of the story but no one ever bothered to speak on it. She explained her affliction and that her act of reaching for Jesus' garment that she was 1) exhibiting faith that Jesus would heal her and 2) basically coming out in public that she was unclean and defiled. Beth said something that I put a star next to in my notes and it was "do not sit and wait for something to happen, have faith and reach". That spoke volumes to me seeing that I have been planning to go to Europe this summer. Faith will be the only way this will happen.

Another was Christine Caine. I love her so much. 1) because she's Australian and 2) her method of speaking is very engaging and powerful. She spoke on compassion and how we as the church ought to not sit on our haunches and nod meaningfully when we hear of something like slavery. We cannot call that compassion. She said that compassion isn't compassion until you get up and do something about it. We as the church need to mobilise and reach out because that's what Jesus did for us. Christine said something else that resounded with me and it was that "God wants to use rescued people to rescue people". That's so true and I think we as Christians forget about that. We get caught up in everything else that we forget that we were rescued and that Jesus called us to reach out and tell other people that their salvation rest in Jesus Christ.

Next was John Piper. Oh Piper haha! I'm always daunted when he walks onto the platform and preaches because his method of teaching is very...hard to follow if you're not devoting all of your attention to what he is saying. But what he says is so profound and amazing that you respect the headache you receive afterwards! Anyways, he spoke about what it truly means to be free. His entire message is incredible but the part that hit me the hardest was this: "Freedom is being so in love with Christ that you can do what you love to do and be in accordance with His will". I mean...wow. Just thinking about that begins to break down the walls in my mind. We tend to box God in as ask "what is Your will for my life?". What John and (eventually) Louie Giglio say is that God's will for your life is right here and now. What ever aspirations you have, do them and that is God's will for your life. God wants us to be free! Free to love Him and to do what we love for Him. It's amazing really. Simply amazing.

And lastly, the candlelight vigil. All through the week, Passion had begun construction on a sculpture of a hand on the International Plaza in Atlanta that would represent Freedom. (see picture)

Freedom Hand Passion 2012

On the last night of the conference, we were asked to walk in complete silence to the International Plaza, unlit candles in hand. I felt like that was such a powerful moment. 45,000 18 to 25 year olds walking in complete silence to one location. That spoke volumes and still gives me chills when I think about it.
When it became midnight, we lit the candles and then when the hand finally lit, we shouted as loud as we could. It was amazing! Just being there in that moment with all those people who were on the same page that I was, shouting for freedom and shouting for Christ was just indescribable.

So to say that Passion was life changing is an understatement. I'll always carry that week with me and I can feel that I'm changed. I'm actually going through an adjustment phase because it's difficult for me to actually get back into the swing of things and start with school (I will talk about that in a later post).

Anyways, if you are still reading, congratulations! This was a very lengthy post and you are a champ for reading it all! :)

Till Next Time...

Wait-listed...

Oh man.

I feel like I have said that every day for the past couple of weeks. But it's so fitting!

Today I registered for my classes at WakeTech...albeit 2 classes but still, it's a start.

It's kind of surreal that after all the drama that I've gone through (and still going through btw. We'll get to that later) with schools that I'm finally stepping forward and getting more education. I know a lot of people aren't a big fan of that but that's why I always recommend waiting a while after you get out of high school to decide if this is really the path you want to take. I mean it's a really big step; don't take it lightly.

Anyways, yeah it's weird. I'm taking a Political Science class (SO WEIRD) and a General Psychology class. All, and I literally mean all, of the classes I was planning to take are either closed or waitlisted (including my English class which makes me sad...so sad). So better luck next semester I guess haha!

Oh! Back to the drama that is happening with my school.

So...

Anyone who has dealt with any section of the government knows that it is a pain in the ass to get anything done. There are enough forms with random numbers to drown you or make you want to give up halfway through. I am of course talking about Financial Aid! Yay.

I filled out my X900TYJSJD forms and sent them promptly through priority mail to the school about a month ago only to get an email from the school at the beginning of the month stating that I needed to fill them out AGAIN! How freaking fun is that, guys? And the kicker is that I got this email on the 2nd of November. The due date was on the 1st of November. Imagine my blind rage as I send strongly worded emails oddly devoid of obscenities to the Financial Aid office. It wasn't pretty.

In all of this, I was led right back to trusting God for things completely out of my hands and we all know how I love being in this position. But I have to admit that this time was harder than the others simply because I had said the same thing to God when I was dealing with Berklee. All of these old feelings of doubt and discouragement rose up and left me in a stupor for a couple days. It was only when I said, "screw it all. I can't control this so I'm just going to give this up. I don't need it despite what my head says" that I finally was allowed to be happy! I'm not saying it was easy at all but the older I get and the more experience I get, the more I find myself in situations causing me to trust God again. And He has worked it out as far as I am concerned. If I recall, all the classes I wanted to take are waitlisted and I'm only taking 2 which means less money I have to shuffle out!

Isn't God grand? I'm so glad that He's got my back even when I'm stupid :)

Till Next Time...

Now That I Have Seen...

I'm such a jerk to God sometimes. 

At the beginning of my Berklee...let's say "adventure" because it wasn't anything less than an adventure, I suddenly became very interested in God's plan for my life. My prayer life began to flourish and I felt like I was really getting to know God in a way I hadn't before. 

Then came the curveball that I wasn't expecting and I just kind of rolled with it, trusting in God that He was going to take care of me. 

Fast-forward to now and I'm back to where I started. And I feel like such a jerk looking back. 

I feel like I screwed myself over and I feel like an idiot now seeing that I was only interested in getting close to God because I was hoping that if I said the right things and presented this "willing heart" that He would give me what I wanted. 

And that's really lame. 

I am ashamed that I even thought that I could hide anything from God. I should know better than that. He sees everything in me. And God brought me right back to where I began. Sure I learned a lot from that experience but I can see that I was trying to play God and "sweet talk" Him into morphing His plan to suit me. 

How could I do that?!

Then I began to think, "How many other people are doing that right now?" 

I'm sure I would be astounded. People, especially type-A control freaks like myself, will do almost anything to get to what they want and it's really sad. But God is so completely just and merciful that He (for lack of a better statement) went along with my selfishness. Because although I had a subconscious agenda, God still listened to me and God still spoke to me. He even dropped in my spirit a few times what was going to happen but I thought it was the enemy trying to discourage me. 

It's astonishing that God, even through all of my crap, still shows Himself strong and revealed myself to me.

 

Now that I have seen, I am responsible. Faith without deeds is dead

That's one of the lyrics to Brooke Fraser's song Albertine and it resounds through me all the time. Now that God has revealed my heart to me, I am responsible with what I do with this knowledge and how I move on from this point. 

All in all, God is relentless. He will not rest until we are reflections of His Son, Jesus and that is a beautiful thing to think about as a Christian. He will dig through ourselves and show us what we have overlooked. I just believe that we need to be open to see our faults and own up to them. Otherwise it's pointless. 

I know this post was more of a rant than anything but I hope this gets to the right people. 

Till Next Time...

Restart:To Start Anew...

I cannot begin to tell you how many blogs have been started and then died a slow death by my hands. 
But the great thing about life is that there are always moments to start over. :) 
My current restart is The Sculptor's Shop. The name comes from my favorite quote from C.S. Lewis in his book Mere Christianity where he states:

This world is a great sculptor’s shop. We are the statues and there’s a rumor going around the shop that some of us are someday going to come to life.

That quote reminds me of the passage in Jeremiah 18:3-4 "So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him"
And further, a passage in 2 Corinthians 4:7 "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us" 
I just think that is a great foundation to start on considering what has happened in the past couple of months.
The first of January, I went to the Passion Conference with a few of my friends and let me tell you, it was the most eye-opening couple of days of my entire life. Not only was I around 20,000 other college students who believe in the same God that I believe in, but I was able to shift the way I think about things and allow God to work in my life. When I came back, I had to make some hard choices but just knowing that I am in God's hands and He is molding and making me into the image of His Son is...WOW! Haha! It's so thrilling. I could try and explain it but you would really have to experience it for yourself :)
Anywho, that was just my 'little' introduction to my bloggy blog. Feel free to comment and/or follow my blog. I won't complain lol

Till Next Time....