It's nights like tonight that get me into trouble.
I'll explain.
I was watching a movie called New York, I Love You and although it got horrible reviews and has less stars than a corner chinese restaurant I still found it to be a beautiful piece of work. It was basically a compilation of love stories with New York City as the central point. At times the character's stories would intertwine it was just fantastically done. I felt like it really captured the heart of the city and being from the city it really began to tug on my heartstrings. New York City is like the epicenter of possibility in my head. I feel like living there is such a huge jump for anyone who has a passion and full of untapped inspiration.
Then I began to get that feeling like a lump of lead was dropped down my throat and sat at the base of my stomach urging on my desire to run off. I don't know if it's a sickness or if I am drawn away for a reason but I just know I could be doing so much more. My desire to see the world and experience culture to its fullest is beyond anything I could possibly imagine. Like I said, I feel like New York, and further, the entire world, is just full of inspiration that could spark an idea that could be birthed into something magnificent. Something new and fresh. Something brilliant!
However, like a bird in a cage, I look at my current situation and just the idea of being able to escape and try out my wings is burdensome to the point of physical pain.
It's sobering thinking back to when you were a child and making plans and then actually getting close to the age where you had already planned to fulfill those dreams and realizing that it's just not happening. It makes me question my abilities (which is so bad, I know) and my true passions (which is even worse). I just happen to be surrounded by talented people who are just letting their gifts flow from them and things are just being thrown their way. And it's very difficult to see. You would think that would make me push harder but after years of pushing sometimes it get very wearisome.
But I know that I am destined for something incredible.
I know that I will do something great in the world.
And I know for certain that I will see everything in the world I dream to see.
I just have to search my heart and find that driving force that would propel me to make it happen. I just haven't found it yet.
Hopefully I find it soon and hopefully I am strong enough to bite back my disdain and store these moments away because when I finally reach the place I wish to be, I will be able to look back and remember when I sat in my room dreaming of the world and its possibilities.
And it will be so sweet :)
Till Next Time...
