So This Happened...

As some of you have probably noticed, I've taken a bit of a hiatus away from blogging both here and on ConStruct (which is bad, I know). While this was unconsciously done, there was a reason for the step back from writing. 

The truth of the matter is that I knew that if I started writing about what was going on then it would be real. Any time that I write it's a personal thing. I write about what I know. It's how it should be. However, this is the first time I've opted to not talk about this because there was so much uncertainty looming over my head and the heads of my family. 

I'm going to stop prefacing and just write now. 

On the 26th of August, I received a call from my dad letting me know that he had taken my mother to the hospital. While I knew she had previously been feeling poorly, I knew it must have gotten very serious for my mother to even agree to be taken to the hospital. 

She's a feisty lady who doesn't let people just take her places. 

Anyway, this was the point where I realised how private I really am in those kinds of situations. I don't really know how to react. I know it's silly but I kept thinking of reactions I had seen in movies or shows and they all look so cheesy and dumb. So I didn't do anything. I only told a few people what had happened and didn't talk about it unless I was asked. Even still, when someone would ask, I would be very brief. Meanwhile, I was having an internal conniption.

Mom was at Duke Raleigh for approximately a week and then she was discharged and allowed to come home. 

A week later, the 9th of September, I received another call at work from my dad telling me my mother had been rushed to the emergency room. She had been having trouble breathing and was taken straight to ICU at Duke. 

I did not take this very well and left work almost immediately to head to the hospital. 

I can't really pinpoint my actual emotions in words but the closest one is 'panic' and 'fear'. I've always seen my mother as a very strong figure in my life. She's been solid, unwavering (almost to the point of stubborn...) and...good. So to get word that she had been taken to the hospital not once, but twice, had hit me in a very bad way. I still get that painful, sinking feeling I felt when I received that call at random moments during the day. 

It was around that time that I realised I have a fear of losing my parents and for more than a few moments I was certain that fear was going to come true for one of my parents. That's not a feeling I would wish on anyone. 

After she was admitted, I didn't get to see my mom for another two weeks. They had kept her in ICU for a week and then transferred her all the way to Durham to see a specialist at Duke to plan a treatment for her condition. 

Back home, those two weeks were torture. Now that I think back, I don't think it was the fact that I didn't get to see my mother but that I couldn't see her. I would either be at work or she would have a bad day and wasn't able to have visitors. It was a very frustrating time. 

Then there was the guilt of going about my day while she was in hospital. Things like going for coffee or dinner or to the movies became utterly trivial because she was lying in a hospital bed fighting to get well. Granted, my mother was adamant about me getting back into the swing of things and I did my best. 

Now that she's back home and well on the way to recovering, I am able to sort through my thoughts and (finally) be able write again. 

Through all of this, I've understood a lot about myself. I've also begun to really see and appreciate my dad. Most of my life, I've kind of eclipsed my dad with my mom but with her being in hospital, I was really able to see who my dad is. He has been the rock of this family and continues to be. My dad, in addition to maintaining his job at the church, would drive back and forth from the hospital every. day. Even when she was transferred to Durham, he would drive back and forth every day and was constantly mindful of my brother and me. He always made sure we were taken care of and was a light of positivity in the midst of all this uncertainty. Dad even would filter through what he would tell us simply because he knew the wording would possibly scare us. While that goes against my 'truth over everything' war cry, I appreciate that and I don't fault him for anything. 

I said this once before to someone else but, in a weird way, my family needed this to happen. If anything, I feel more connected to my family as ever. Additionally, I've seen why I wasn't sent to Kingston. Even if everything would have worked out, I would still be here in Raleigh. I would have never gotten on that plane knowing that my mother was ill. Never. That, in a strange way, provides me some comfort knowing that it wasn't ever going to work out in any scenario. 

Through all of this, I've seen how much my friends love me. 

Especially Becca and Morgan. 

They have been my support system through all of this even if it meant kidnapping me for the day to distract me from everything that was going on. I honestly don't know what I would have done without them around. :)

And of course I'm grateful for my friend Patience who has also been a support system helping me sort through the medical mumbo jumbo into real life English. She's the best sis ever. :)

I've also seen how much people love my family. Although I opted not to talk about the situation, my dad was very forthcoming and the outpouring from his church was immense and overwhelming. Those people did things for us that I never would have expected anyone to do. They made sure we were taken care of and that we knew we were loved. There were many times I would chat with my dad and we'd just be in awe at what the church was doing for us. Everything was unexpected and greatly appreciated. I don't think there are any adequate words to express my gratitude for these people whom I have never met or only knew in passing or through a quick encounter.

So there it is. That's what has been happening. I'm still adjusting to how we now live our lives as a family with mom's new 'friend' but it's getting better and will continue to get better. :)

Till Next Time...

Driftwood Syndrome...

Last week was the first week for university students. 

This week it's the first day for elementary, middle, and high school students. 

Basically, this means that almost everyone I know is now involved in school. 

Then there's me. 

I feel like I've talked about this before but I feel like my life is a cycle. No matter how hard I try to break the cycle, it keeps rolling back around. To say it's annoying is a grand understatement. It's hard to look forward when the past seems to repeat itself over and over again. 

I don't understand. 

I've said it before and I will say it again, I want to be in school. I feel like the reason I don't feel motivated to do anything else is because I feel inadequate and unprepared. Learning, for me, is the best way to feel prepared for things in life. I want to be a writer but I know that education affords me the ability to learn new skills that will help me be a better writer. It's just frustrating because it's the door I haven't been able to open. 

Speaking of school, I've had to rehash the Kingston thing nearly every single day in the month of August. Although I've come to terms, it's still very painful and the more people ask what I'm going to do next, the more uncertain about the future I feel. I've lost my focal point and now I feel like I'm drifting about. As a result, my writing has suffered and my overall motivation for getting up in the morning has taken a huge blow. 

Also, let's not even begin to talk about my spiritual life. It's hard to talk about. I went to my college group on Wednesday and the topic was faith and the further we went into conversation, the more I didn't want to talk about it any more. The final blow was the question, "When was the last time you acted in faith and what was the result?" I seriously wanted to run out of the room and walk home. My spiritual life seems to be the major casualty out of this whole thing. I felt abandoned by God. Like literally abandoned. I thought he wanted something for me, I went for it, and he didn't show up. It's hard to just bounce back from that. I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to see him, or hear about how much he loves me when I know how I felt when I thought we were on the same page and he didn't do anything to help me. I was completely alone in this and I wish I could say this was the first time. 

Phew! Okay. I'm done talking about that portion of my life. I need to find a new focal point. That's what's going to put me back in the swing and get me motivated. This driftwood syndrome is not my cuppa. 

(British reference. I told you I would be insufferable. It begins.)

Till Next Time...

Another [Year], Another Destiny...

Yes. Another Les Miserables reference. Deal with it. ;)

Okay! Wow. Where do I even start with this?! 

21 has been such an incredible year for me. I looked back at the post I did last year in which I was wide-eyed and innocent looking into this new realm of adulthood. I had plans and was determined to make them happen. 

Let's review shall we? I think it will help get us on the right track. 

Around this time last year, I had the idea for ConStruct. Now ConStruct is a reality, has grown and will continue to grow with hard work. It also has provided me the fuel I never knew I needed to pursue a career I never thought I would be able to foray into. It's still an uphill battle to get some notoriety but it's a journey. It's all a journey. 

Shortly after starting ConStruct, I made the brave decision to pursue university in the UK. Having healed from prior failed launches towards higher education, I was renewed with a sense of hope from my best friend who still continues to inspire me to desire to be better. She told me to "just do it"; I applied it to studying at Kingston and I've applied it further to other things in my life. 

A few months after that, I got an offer from Kingston University and accepted it! That is still one of the happiest days I've ever had in all my life. There was this sense of accomplishment; this feeling of validity that I hadn't felt in so long when it came to schools. I will never forget it. That was also the same month that UCAS chose me to be one of four international applicants to blog about their experiences applying to UK schools. That, too, was an incredible opportunity and I am grateful for the platform they gave me to speak to people who were looking for someone to relate with them. 

Then it happened. The trip of a lifetime. After careful planning and divine intervention, I hopped on a plane and flew across the pond to Europe to see my best friend in Dublin. I still get chills thinking about it and how amazing that trip was. It's one of my greatest achievements and I did it more or less by myself! There's a thrill and a sense of accomplishment travelling alone. I thrive on it. I don't always feel very independent but when I travel, I feel like I can do anything I want. (Within legal reasonings, of course) Those two weeks have shaped the way I see the world and sparked something in me that hasn't burned out. I'm more confident, more determined and more experienced! Plus, I got to see things I had only read in books or seen pictures. It was incredible and I can't wait to go again in the future. :) 

The next few months after that seemed to take an unexpected downward turn. Things were peachy for a while but things began to take a turn for the worst when it came to pretty much everything, including plans for Kingston. I can't remember a time I felt more helpless than when I was going through the ups and downs of getting things in order for Kingston. It was quite possibly the worst emotional experience of my life but I think I've grown the most from it. I'm still on the mend though. I've felt abandoned by God more times than I want and people, Christians especially, don't just get over that. I'm still trying to gauge myself spiritually but it's going to be a process.

Now we've caught up! Kingston can now stand next to Berklee on the shelf of Failed Attempts. Haha! I have to laugh about it because honestly, who do you know that has gone through so much to get to university only to be shut down at every turn. Maybe I've got something over my head that says, "Don't let him go to college". Anyway, now that I've been brought full circle, I have to look towards the future. I don't know what it holds but I'm hoping that whatever it is, I'll be happy with it. I don't know how much more my heart can take from getting shot down so many times with school. I just want a degree that will help me get ahead. That's all I want. That and to travel and write. I don't think that's too much but apparently it is. Don't take this as me being pessimistic; I'm just being honest. 

22 is going to be a great year for me no matter what because happiness mostly what you make it. 

For the first time in my life, my future is a blank slate for the most part. Sure, I have things planned and dotted along but for the most part, I don't know where my life is going to take me. I just hope it's a good place. :)

Here's to 22!!

Till Next Time...

Wall of Happiness...

I finally did it! 

A while back, I had a genius idea to put things up in my room. But not just things. Things that meant something to me. Things that I could look at and bring my mind to happier thoughts on a unhappy day. 

Since I was going to be moving away, I decided to put it off because what the point of putting things up if you're only going to take them down in a few months, right? Well plans have changed and the perfect storm occurred: I was feeling nostalgic, I had an idea and I got paid. 

I now present to you, my Wall(s) of Happiness.

Isn't it great?! I'm really proud of it. 

The map on the right I've had for quite a while but for some reason I never put it up. It's only been a few hours since I put it up and it's already putting me in such a great mood. This is how I'm going I'm coping for not going to Kingston haha. The photo on the left is a collage of the many things I kept from my Europe trip. I'm kind of a hoarder in that regard. I can't seem to let something go especially if it holds some emotional significance. 

Here are some other shots: 

I really adore this map on the left. I can't remember where I got it. I think it was at a yard sale or something. I'll just say it's vintage. It's what style bloggers say when they can't remember where they got something haha! The photo on the right is a larger view of the Europe wall. These are things like plane tickets and receipts from place I went to want to remember from the three countries I visited: Ireland, England and France. Some of these things no one will understand why I kept but I kind of like that. It makes it special.

The photo on the left is my favourite. I never noticed until I was putting it up that my British Airways ticket from London to Paris said "Euro Traveller". Behind the ticket is a pamphlet from Charles de Gaulle airport. When I landed and tried to get into Paris, they happened to be doing construction to the train that went straight to the city. They handed out these pamphlets explaining the situation and what they were doing for travellers. It was frustrating but I kept it because it reminded me of the bus ride into Paris where I met the nicest Australian family on holiday. They thought I was British because I picked up a bit of an accent from being in London so they were super surprised when I said I was American! Haha!  Oh, and they just so happened to be passing through Paris for the night and had just come from skiing in Japan; go figure!

The photo on the right is actually next to the world map! It's going to be a place I put things involving friends that make me happy. It's mostly just invitations from amazing weddings I've been to but will evolve...I hope haha!

This wall is the epitome of my happiness and I love it but it serves another purpose. It's also my inspiration. I've said it before in another post (maybe?) that looking at maps inspire me. Whilst I'm currently in a place where I'm not really inspired, I've created my own inspiration in hopes to better myself and my writing.

I can't wait to see this continue to grow!

Yay!

Till Next Time...

Musings of the Mused: Post-Decision Life...

It's been a week since my decision to not pursue Kingston anymore. 

This is my post-decision life.

It's kind of weird.

It's weird because I know I'm not going but it's still okay; the world has not fallen in upon itself nor has my life become a scene from Les Mis...

"I had a dream my life would be..." 

To be completely honest, after the blog posted, I had a sense of relieve the entire day. I was wholly at peace with my decision and I was ready to pursue the next chapter in my life. Now that I think about it, that whole Kingston thing was really stressing me out. Like, unhealthily stressing me out. It all came to a head when I found myself completely broken down in my parent's bedroom painfully shouting what I was feeling and realising this was a problem. 

I had allowed my pursuit to slowly but surely consume me until I was a ticking time bomb of pent up emotions. It's really scary, now that I think about it. Saying, "I'm going to let this go for good" was quite possibly the best thing that I could have done. It was like hitting the pressure release on my life and I was able to breathe. 

:le sigh:

Sure I'm still super bummed about not going and I've still put off sending that email to Kingston letting them know that I'm not actually coming...those things will pass and that email will be sent...eventually... ;P

In other news, I have a writing job! I'm a real life freelance writer which is interesting because that was the field I wanted to do in the first place but I thought it would be too difficult. I'm writing product descriptions for a website which, let's be real, is not what I really want to do long term. BUT it pays and I'm getting really good at it! My boss tells me that I'm one of his best writers which is why he's basically coaching me through this and trying to get the best work out of me. It's tough work but I'm learning a lot, getting some experience under my belt and I'm getting an extra paycheck every week which rocks. Definitely need that. 

I was talking to one of my best friends and she was telling me about her recent discovery of a passion she had and how excited she was about pursuing it. I'm always so proud of my friends when they discover something that they love and that they want to excel at. I was able to relate with her and talk about my writing job and how I'm working my way up to where I want to be. She was able to relate with me in the same regard; doing jobs that she doesn't particularly like in an effort to work her way to her dream job. 

I want to write editorials and articles for magazines and blogs.  I want to travel; see all the world has to offer and I want to learn as I go along. I want to learn languages and cultures and delve into the cornucopia of experiences this amazing world has to offer.  I want to be inspired by the things around me and live in a different place every couple of years. I've realised very quickly that I have a traveller's spirit. I thrive on being in a new place and seeing new things. I get bored very easily and that's reflected in a lot of things that I do (i.e. my resume). The fact that this blog is still going after 3 years is a bloody miracle. 

Anyway, that was a bit of a ramble but I tend to do that on this blog. This is my zen place. I'm not worried about structure or topics; I just write what's on my mind and one my heart. The "Musings of the Mused", I believe is my tag line. 

If you've lasted with me for this long, I want you to remember to figure out what you are passionate about. I figured out writing, travel and music were my passions by asking myself "would I do this even if I knew I wouldn't be rich?" The answer was yes and it just made sense. However, the way we figure out our passions is different so give yourself time. Be patient. I'm speaking to myself as well so don't worry. Some people don't know what they're passionate about until they are dropped into a situation. Others don't figure out unless it's by accident. We're all different in more than one way or another so this self-discovery of passions is no different. 

Now that I'm sure what I'm passionate about, I'm going to start focusing on that. I'm going to be writing and I'm going to be making travelling one of my priorities. It's going to happen. And I'm still going to be looking for more writing jobs! I want to be able to write full time and support myself. That's the dream and I'm dreaming it suckas! Hahaha!! 

Okay I need the sleeps...

I'll be keeping you all posted on my musings and my life as always! Love you! <3 :)

Till Next Time...

I Have Decided...

Hey everyone

I'm sure this post won't come as a surprise to some but I feel like I still should address it in an effort to avoid retelling this over and over and over again. (Although I'm sure I'm going to rehash this for forseeable future...)
I'm going to touch on a few things in this post and it may be a bit long but bear with me!

I've been posting on this blog a lot about my dreams and aspirations; mostly for my own personal sanity but also to help inspire other people to dream bigger. There's one thing that I want to be in this world and that's an inspiration. 

Incredibly, I've gotten story after story from people who have read my blog and caused them to look at the world as an option. This blows me away and I'm honoured that people are reading my words and  are being inspired. I love that some people are seeing that America, while great in its own way and full of opportunity, is not everything. There is a whole world to explore and experience, you just have to refuse to sell yourself short, take the first step and leap. 

However, there is a flipside to everything. There is the success story, the one they write about in books,  and then there is the short end of the stick. I seem to be the poster child for the latter; being the example for the reality of pursuing dreams and aspirations.

With that being said, due to extreme financial difficulty and roadblocks, I will neither be moving to England nor attending Kingston University in the fall. 

Although I've been preparing my heart for this kind of outcome, there aren't many words to describe how completely gutted I am about all this. It's one thing to have never been accepted to university, it's a completely separate matter entirely being accepted to university and being unable to attend. It's no secret that I have an immense desire to attend university and pursue further education so this blow is a very painful one. I'm not closing the door for God to do something ridiculously insane but the current situation is pretty bleak and hurts like a motherfather.

Despite this outcome, I am looking to the positives. This opens my future to something completely different. Like I was telling someone the other day, I can always move to England, it's just a matter of when. I'm young. I have my whole life ahead of me to grow. This is only a minor setback. I said it before I opened what would be my acceptance email, even if this doesn't happen, moving to Europe is still on the table. I'm not giving up; just exploring another avenue. 

Now becomes the question: what next?? I'll be in America a bit longer so I guess I will have to make the best of it. ;)

I'm not sure what the next step looks like but rest assured that I won't be kept down by this setback. Life is too short to wallow in what has passed (or will pass), so I will be considering other options for the fall. 

As for school, I don't really know what that looks like now. I'm not sure if this is God's way of telling me to get an education here in America or not but if He wants me to go to school, He will have to point me in the right direction. I'm at my wits end with this whole thing. The pursuit of higher education should never be this difficult, in my opinion. My only issue is my utter distaste for the American school system. If God wants me to go to school here in America, I'm hoping patience will be attached to the package...next to a big, fat check...I'm kidding!

Okay, okay I was kidding a little...but you laughed, I know you did.

I will still continue to write (of course), I'll still be working on my style blog and providing excellent life commentary on Twitter & Instagram. Rest assured, I'm not going to let this get me down. :) 

Anyway, thank you guys for supporting me and cheering me on. It is greatly appreciated and I love you for it. I hope you continue to be in my corner in the future and follow along with me. In two weeks I'll be 22 and I'm actually looking forward to seeing what is next for me. Sure I won't be making Europe arrangements but that's still cool...yeah...:ahem:....lol 

To those who didn't want me to leave in the first place, you get to keep me for a while! 

You're welcome. ;) 

Till Next Time...

Literary Forum

Ahhhh! This is kind of nerve wracking but I'm going to do it anyway. 

Not a lot of people know this but I've been working on several works of fiction over the past 7 or 8 years. I actually finished several books but have since gone back and developed the story further in a more mature way. (I started it when I was about 13)

These stories haven't seen the light of day mostly because these stories are written for me. I write these characters because I love them and because it makes me happy and I don't have to worry about an audience judging it based on a criteria. 

However, as a writer, I should try and put myself out there. I'm not trying to get a book deal or anything like that but I do want to become a better writer and making myself a bit vulnerable is a way to get that done. 

With that being said, I've created a Patreon page. It's for content creators and I'll be posting chapters or specific scenes on there! 

Alternatively, I have created Literary Forum, a place where I can post my work in blog format. I hope to create connections with other writers where they can guest post and show their work. This is an effort to create conversation and give constructive feedback on different kinds of literary works. 

I'm really excited! I've never done something like this before but it's going to be brilliant. :) 

Till Next Time...

A Little Bit Wiser...

I'm a big fan of how this week started. 

Compared to how I've been feeling the past couple of weeks, I'm in a good place. Yesterday (Sunday) I got to have some really good conversations and really was able to get a different prospective on my situation and my future. 

At my church, when I'm not playing in the band, I volunteer with the check-in station for the kids department. It's something I've done for a long time and I can honestly say that I love it. I took some time away from it (much needed time) but, now that I'm back, I'm seeing why I loved it in the first place. 

Anyway, whilst the service is going on there isn't much traffic in the lobby however there is a need for someone to stand guard. It could vary between 1-3 people but it's in those times that you get to know the people you're serving alongside in a way you wouldn't during the "rush hour". During the second service, I was able to have a wonderful conversation with one of the guys who serves with the security team but also assists with the technical side of check-in (he also happens to be married to the director). I honestly can't remember the last time I had such a great conversation. Being able to talk about things like work ethic, personality, music, ambition and countless other things was so refreshing to me who absolutely loathes the small talk...

One of the significant points in the conversation for me was when I was talking about my own situation and how I feel impatient with how things are progressing with my life/career. I can see my own potential but my potential isn't recognised or appreciated, I get self-aware and conscious of my work. 

"Am I doing something wrong?" 

"Am I not good enough?" 

"Am I asking for too much?"  

One thing he said was (I'm paraphrasing) that yes it's good to see your own potential but this time doing proverbial "grunt work" is actual preparation for elevation. As cliche as that sounds. People who elevate too quickly usually find themselves overwhelmed and unable to function properly. Much like getting the bends when coming up from deep water too quickly. 

It really spoke volumes to me and brought a whole new prospective on what is going on. I shouldn't doubt myself just because I'm not being elevated but I should perfect my work until the time comes when I'm recognised for my work and given an opportunity. That way, I won't get the "work bends" and won't find myself in a corner, rocking myself, drinking whiskey from a bottle because I'm so stressed out

Later that day, I was able to have a seriously real and honest conversation with my best friend. She's one of the people that gives it to me straight and doesn't tell me what I want to hear which is what I desperately needed. I truly don't think she realises how much she helps me by being honest about what she's seeing in the situation. Our conversation allowed me to step back get a wider view of what is going on and be realistic without losing my dream. It also made me optimistic about the future and what my next step is. 

With that being said, I created a list. Something to reference to when I start to lose focus. This list is divided into 3 sections: 

What do I want for my life? 

What do I love(am passionate about)? 

& How can I reconcile these things together?

From this list (which is more detailed in my journal), I've determined that I want to be doing something involving travelling, writing and music. These are the things I'm passionate about. I believe this is general enough to be flexible yet narrow enough to give me focus. I also said I want an education. I am passionate about learning and the fact that getting to university has been such a struggle frustrates me. However, I am willing to fight for my own further education.

I can already see this finally making me grow up some more and make some adult decisions about my life that I've been afraid to do. I don't think my brain has quite realised that I am an adult and I need to make decisions that no one else is going to make for me. Well I am a little bit wiser thanks to my friends and I'm ready to figure this thing out no matter how long it takes.

:) 

Till Next Time...

Finding Hope...

God is an interesting fellow...

Recently, I set out to do something I never really thought I could. This thing would have put me in a very different place than I'm at right now. A pretty good place, I thought, but a very different place.

Without going into tons of detail, it didn't work out so now I'm back at this place in my life that I've been kept in for a quite a while now. This place of uncertainty, doubt and feeling stagnant. 

I feel like I've been trapped in a bubble. Nay. A forcefield; the world around me keeps spinning along but I remain stationary. I can't effect anything or change anything and, anytime I try to move, I'm snapped right back. It's frustration, putting it lightly.

In my mind, I know this means that God is moving...actually, I don't know He's moving but I have to believe He's moving. I have to have hope that He is ordering steps in the direction He wants me to go. I have to trust that or else I will go insane. 

However, I am trying to prepare my heart for hurt because if things continue as they are, I will be hurt. A lot. I know there is a chance for things to turn out just fine but I don't see it. I can't see it. All I can do is wait and see what happens. And it's easy to say the Christian things but, let's be real, I'm kind of past the Christian things. The words that Christians say to other but really they're thinking something completely different. So I'm just going to say it how it is. (The PG version)

This sucks.

I know the Christian walk isn't rainbows and daisies but I'd like to at least frolic on a rolling hill or something every now and again. I mean come on.

While we're on the honesty train, I'm at a place in my life where I don't feel God. I feel like I'm in a white room with no doors or windows. Sterile, cold and clinical. When I pray, I feel like it's echoing in an empty hall or bouncing around the room. And the more desperate my prayers become, the less I feel like they're being heard. In my brain, I feel like there should be a formula but there isn't. I don't know what to do and it feels like God has put me on hold indefinitely.

Needless to say, it's really really hard to have faith in this time of my life. But I have to have faith. It goes back to the "I need to believe or I'm going to freak out" thing. No matter how bleak things are, I seem to still find that glimmer of hope. That little flame on the burner that refuses to go out. It's kind of my nature. 

I'm a Leo. I'm not a mystic but I know what things to take into my life and what to leave and I accept the fact that I am a Leo. A lion. Stubborn but fierce. Not to be trifled with and, when you think about it, with God I am more prone to be bold and a further threat. I will fight. Win or lose I will fight. 

If I lose, I will cry. I will be angry. I will say things I don't mean. I know this. But I will always get back up because that's just the way God made me. If I win, I will rejoice and then look for the next challenge because I get really bored really quickly. It's just the way it works. I know myself well enough to be able to admit that. 

I actually wrote this from my personal journal (edited for the internets of course) and figured it would encourage someone to find their hope. My hope is in God, I know that, but there are things that remind me of that hope. For me, it's looking at maps haha! It sounds silly but when I look at a map of the world, I see my future. I see everything I was meant to do, see and be. I see stories that are waiting to be written and chapters waiting for me to crack open and begin. I see a journey that I have yet to embark on and that moves me. It gives me that feeling in my stomach that usually happens on the ride up a roller coaster and gets me pumped. 

Maps hold a special place in my heart next to playing music. Even when I'm just in the pits, I can look at a map or play a song that will help me carry onward and upward. 

Just know that there is hope out there and it's just waiting for you to find it. :)

Till Next Time...

My Limitless God

Happy Monday!

So here's the thing, I serve a limitless God.

I think I forget that almost every day until things like Kingston happen.

From my last post, you can probably tell that I was a fair bit disheartened.

But I've cried about it (a few times) and now it's time to hold my head up and put my foot to the pedal.

I will not let fear overtake my life nor hinder me from going for something that I am already predestined for. God did not bring me this far to desert me.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

This being said, I have set up a fund. In addition to seeking out governmental funding and scholarships, I have set up a place where my friends and family can help me get to Kingston.

You know how I hate asking for things but I'm setting my pride aside because you don't get anything if you don't ask, right?

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find' knock, and it will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7

"In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." John 16:23-24

I will be posting this everywhere so prepare to be sick of me. Persistence isn't my strong suit but it can and will be. I know I'm not raising money to build orphanages in Indonesia but God shows up for them, I do not doubt He will show up for me.

This is the widget that I've created for the fund:

If you would like the code to the widget, just comment below and I'll give it to you to share. 

If widgets aren't your cup of tea, just share this link: gofundme.com/kingstonfund. 

Super excited to see what God is going to do!

Love you guys and help me get to Kingston!!!

Till Next Time...

Detour...

In every journey, there are stops and starts.

This happens to be my detour...

As many of you know, I am gearing up to leave the country for school. Super crazy and stressful. Did I mention stressful? Especially when things don't quite go as planned. My original plan was to apply for a bunch of scholarships and also apply for a loan for the rest of my expenses (ex. Visa costs, moving costs, flights). However, when I went to apply for the loan, they were about to deny me but asked instead for a co-signer. I never wanted a co-signer. It wasn't just that I didn't want help; I need all the help I can get. It was more to the fact that this was my decision. I never wanted anyone else to have to sacrifice anything for me. I've supported myself through the entirety of my college experience(s) and I wasn't really prepared to have to bring in someone else. 

Never mind the fact that there was no one else to bring in. 

You can imagine my distress. This was the plan. Apply for scholarships. Apply for loans. Go to Kingston. This needed this to work because it was the only plan I could see. My hope began to fail. One of my reservations about college in the first place was finances and now it looked like it was going to be my undoing...

But there is no denying that God has placed this on my life. There is nothing I feel more strongly than me being in England. The draw has been there since I was little and has only grown stronger the more I  have gotten older. 

Someone once said that God uses our circumstances to show Himself off. Someone else said that God is privy to our circumstances; our cries and distresses. He is not ignorant to our situation and I have to keep that in mind for me or else I will go insane. 

It's still taking every ounce of courage and strength to even say "I'm going" rather than "I might go" but I will continue to say that I'm going. 'When' not 'if'. I must remain faith-filled and speak things as they are already. This goes against everything my brain tells me. I've talked about this before about me being a planner. I need to see what's around the corner and I need to plan accordingly. I like to control the situation. But in controlling the situation, I take responsibility for the outcome. Whether that be good or bad, it's on me. 

So, in this current season of doubt and uncertainty, I must hold on to the things I know:

God is faithful.

God sees.

God hears.

Faith is not seeing, it's believing in the Author of Faith. 

Anything that happens does not escape the eye of God. 

God knows my heart and how much this is painful for me. 

If you're reading this, please continue to pray. I'm still trusting in God but my brain keeps seeing Kingston slipping through my fingers and that scares me. I know there are other ways to move to Europe but I've put a lot into this and to see it crumble will be so humiliating...

Anyways, thanks everyone :)

Till Next Time...

The Immensity of Motherhood...

Happy Mother's Day!

On the 15th of August, 1991 in a hospital in New Jersey, I was brought into the world. 

A new journey began. 

My life literally lay before me. 

But what some people don't realise is that another journey began that day as well. 

A journey for my mother.

I was her first child. The beginning of motherhood. 

A journey of sacrifice, tears, laughter, anger, joy, and unadulterated love.

She took motherhood with stride, not knowing what was next, nor what to do with this new life she was now charged with. Yet she bore it asking for nothing in return and sacrificing her own desires for the sake of providing me with a beautiful life. 

Although she remembers a lot of mistakes and what she could have done better, I see it a different way. 

Everything she has done from my conception has made me into the person I am today. Who she is has seeped through and mirrored onto me. 

I am strong-minded because she is strong minded. 

I speak out because she is honest.
I am bold because she is bold

I settle for nothing because she strives for excellence. 

I care because she cares for me. 

I listen because she listens.

I know what I am worth because she tells me every day how much I am worth to her. 

I love because she loves with every portion of herself. 

I live because she chose sacrifice over comfort. 

I am alive because she prays every day for my protection.

My mother is an incredible human being. Although I sometimes forget, I am constantly reminded of the immense strength my mother has. 

In a few months, I will be leaving. Embarking on a new journey across an ocean and once again, with my new journey, another starts with my mother. 

It will be a difficult one for me and for her. We both know it. Yet she remains strong for me. When I begin to doubt myself and my future, she is the one to stamp them out and remind me that there is nothing to be afraid of. Never once has she fed into my doubts even though she knows that she could persuade me to stay. 

My mother is a beaming symbol of motherhood: strength, prayer, sacrifice and, most importantly, love.

I hope this mother's day, you reflect on the immensity of motherhood and what your own mother has done. 

I know I will. :)

Till Next Time... 

Cross the Threshold...

Adulthood.

Land of full-time jobs, benefits, vacation time and 401ks.

Housed within a fortress of mile high, steel walls. 

Guarded by employers fending off the inexperiences.

Meanwhile, those with connections inside, are flown in via helicopter or smuggled in through the holes in the wall. 

That may be an exaggeration but that's exactly what it feels like. I know many people who are in my situation, who desire consistency and an ample salary to do the things we all need to do. 

I have grown weary of the retail world and I want to regain the humanity years of retail has stolen from me. I want to wake up and not dread my job. I want to be happy and work and make a living. Is that too much to ask? 

Apparently so...

In May, school will send me information and before long I will be flying away to Europe, passport and visa in hand. With it fast approaching, I have begun to really really think about what I want from my life. 

I want to be happy and to quit wasting my time with things I don't even care about. I want to write. I want to love my job. I want to make a difference. I want to help people. I am sick and tired of feeling trapped by my work experience. 

I want someone to see my potential and drive. I want to be respected. I want to be taught. I want to be loved. I want to prove to people that I am not what I seem. I want to cross the threshold into the unknown and pave the way for others to follow suit. 

I am bold. 

I am impassioned. 

I am driven.

I am me. 

I am capable of doing anything.

I just have to find a way to make people see it. I must make them have no other choice but to see it. 

European Adventure: Part One

Happy Tuesday! 

So it happened. 

I finally went to Europe. 

Just to be able to say that is remarkable and I can hardly believe it's true. I feel like I've been living a dream the past two weeks. Well...really I have! I've just woken up whilst being home and realising that it could be a permanent reality with school fast approaching. 

I kept a sort of diary during my travels and I thought it would be cool to share portions of it on my blog. It will be done in parts because my trip was quite long and I don't want to type a twelve page dissertation haha! 

Anyways, I'll get on with it. 

(In Raleigh...)

Sitting in my room before heading to the airport, all my bags are packed...

At the gate! Smells like airport. It's always interesting looking at everyone at the gates. Such a diverse grouping. I love the fact that you don't really know everyone's final destination. 

I'm constantly praying but it's for the silliest thing: my bags. This is the first time I have checked my bags for a flight and I am praying that they make it to Dublin safely. I've already taken precautions but I never know! 

I can't believe I'm going to Europe and that by this time tomorrow I will be halfway across an ocean heading to Ireland. Very surreal. Becca is so excited! She's planning all these secret things...

This morning was a little rough. I knew I would cry sometime today but there was something about seeing my mom this morning and bidding her goodbye that made me cry. This is a dream come true. Really cheesy but it is. I am going to a place that before now, I only dreamed and read about. 

My daddy is so funny. I know he doesn't like getting up early in the morning which made seeing his sleepy face in my doorway even more hilarious. We talked the whole way to the airport. Mostly about how he hopes my flights go well and that he hopes I get a good seat on the plane...

I can't wait to see my uncle in Chicago! I have an immense layover and he's being so gracious and showing me about the city. I haven't seen him in ages! ...

(In Chicago...)

My day in Chicago was so excellent! I got to spend most of my day with my uncle and it was so fun talking with him and everything. I am currently sitting at the gate waiting to board my flight to Dublin. I'm kind of in shock. I think this is an acute case of out-of-body syndrome or something. I need to process...

That was all I wrote for the day but when I landed, which was technically the second day of my holiday, Becca and Stephen whisked me away and showed me so much of Dublin. We first went to Stephen's house where I changed and met his younger brother. Then we headed off to Dundrum to this giant mall. There we *ahem* spent a substantial amount of currency on clothes. Afterwards, we went straightaway into town. I couldn't tell you all the streets we went down (I think it was Dame Street and a few others) but there was so much to entertain. Little coffeeshops down alleys and long thoroughfares of shops. Tons of people and great weather abounded as well. Towards the evening, we went to a restaurant called Crackbird and once I actually tasted the chicken, I understood why it was thusly named. It's literally the best chicken I have ever put into my mouth. Honestly. If you ever find yourself in Dublin, go to Crackbird. Please. You will not be disappointed. It'll change your life. 

After dinner, we headed off to Becca's, where I was staying. There I met her housemates and by the time the day came to a close, it was nearly one in the morning. Becca and Stephen had successfully kept me up all day so when I hit the pillow, there was no waking up until the proper time. Fair play to them both! 

The next day, which would be day three, Becca and I hit the town! We started off going to Butler's Chocolate shop to get some hot chocolate which was by far the tastiest hot chocolate I have tasted. Next we headed to Hodges Figgis which is a bookstore in Dublin. Three floors of gorgeous books from all around the world and I was just in heaven. From there, we headed to St. Stephen's Green Park. The park is enormous. Becca and I took the opportunity to take loads of photos and stalk the geese, ducks and swans that populated the park's lovely ponds. Becca and I continued to paint the town red going to tons of shops including Brown Thomas, a luxury department store similar to Harrods.

We began our evening with crepes at Lemon and wine before heading to Becca's friend, Stef's house for dinner with another one of her friends, Aisling. 

It was such a fantastic couple of days and my next post will continue with my trip to London! 

Till Next Time...

P.S. Part one photos from the trip are HERE! Part two photos from London are HERE!