So I'm sitting here, looking at my class schedule for fall semester and just thinking about so many things.
Yesterday, I registered for all the classes I wanted to take (minus Spanish 111 and History 111 :/) and suddenly I was plagued by all kinds of worry. See, the classes I'm taking are on campus. All of them, minus my Political Science course which is online. This started the snowball of terror about a car, then about paying for classes, paying for books, scolding myself for buying everything this year and countless other things. It finally came to the point, when I was trying to take a nap before work, that I just said, "God, I need peace. There's no freaking way I can do this anymore; all the worrying and fear. I need you to take it." It was at that moment that I started going through my Bible app (I'm such a modern Christian...) and reading passages about peace and being imperfect. I was reminded of God's love and how Jesus wasn't worried when He had so much to worry about. There's a passage in John where Jesus is praying before He's about to be betrayed. He didn't whine to God about how afraid he was, nor did he ask God to give him peace. He knew that God knew what He was doing and in the prayer he prayed, He prayed for us, the future believers in Christ. He prayed that we would receive the same joy that was imparted to him by God, that we would be with him in Heaven and that we would have everything that Jesus had and more! That brought such great perspective! Here I am worrying about my life and how it's going to pan out in the next couple months when Jesus was about to die for the sins of the world and he prayed for people he did not even meet yet.
I say all that to say that I'm done with the worrying. It's stupid and I say that all the time but it really is. I'm quickly discovering how much of a worrier I am and I need to take steps to combat that. With knowledge comes responsibility. Now that I know, I have a mandate to take action, for I lose all rights to complain or worry when I know what combats that and that's getting into the word; bringing myself perspective through reading my Bible and reminding myself that there's so much more to this life. My life is such a flicker so I should be making more of it other than aging myself ungracefully with worry!
This is all coming after a couple of months where I've felt really really distant from God. I don't remember a time in my life where I was so challenged in my faith and how much of a grip God has on my heart. I've realized that whether I read my Bible or pray or even go to meet with my church, music will be the one thing that I will not stop doing. God knows this and He has made worship my anchor in Him and He, my anchor to this world. Worship music is my passion and whenever I start to doubt, God will manage to put me in a situation where I have to come before Him with my music. I don't know any other way to play music than to come before God and that...there's really no describing how interesting that is haha When you're questioning God and faith and then brought to a situation where you are placed in a spot directly in front of Him. It's both confusing and reassuring at the same time. In that moment of playing, I feel God's realness and at the time it kind of made me mad but looking back, it was the only thing keeping me from stepping away from God, to be completely honest. I'm coming through this pretty beaten up but I know my best days are ahead of me. I'm still being molded and shaped and tempered but I still have God and he has me so I'm golden!
If I could just ask that you all keep me in your prayer. Pray that I pursue God with a recklessness. I'm tired of being safe with God. It's kind of boring haha Also pray that God helps me see what He's doing in the next couple of months and that he continues to provide. Looking back at everything, I'm seeing how much God has provided and suddenly my worry seems meaningless. God had my back so there should not be a reason He still wouldn't have my back. I've already decided that my education is priority and that I need to do whatever it takes; even if it means I have to walk 30 minutes to school every single day. I'm not going to let things get in my way. I have a desire to learn and God will help me, of this I am assured.
Till Next Time...
