As some of you have probably noticed, I've taken a bit of a hiatus away from blogging both here and on ConStruct (which is bad, I know). While this was unconsciously done, there was a reason for the step back from writing.
The truth of the matter is that I knew that if I started writing about what was going on then it would be real. Any time that I write it's a personal thing. I write about what I know. It's how it should be. However, this is the first time I've opted to not talk about this because there was so much uncertainty looming over my head and the heads of my family.
I'm going to stop prefacing and just write now.
On the 26th of August, I received a call from my dad letting me know that he had taken my mother to the hospital. While I knew she had previously been feeling poorly, I knew it must have gotten very serious for my mother to even agree to be taken to the hospital.
She's a feisty lady who doesn't let people just take her places.
Anyway, this was the point where I realised how private I really am in those kinds of situations. I don't really know how to react. I know it's silly but I kept thinking of reactions I had seen in movies or shows and they all look so cheesy and dumb. So I didn't do anything. I only told a few people what had happened and didn't talk about it unless I was asked. Even still, when someone would ask, I would be very brief. Meanwhile, I was having an internal conniption.
Mom was at Duke Raleigh for approximately a week and then she was discharged and allowed to come home.
A week later, the 9th of September, I received another call at work from my dad telling me my mother had been rushed to the emergency room. She had been having trouble breathing and was taken straight to ICU at Duke.
I did not take this very well and left work almost immediately to head to the hospital.
I can't really pinpoint my actual emotions in words but the closest one is 'panic' and 'fear'. I've always seen my mother as a very strong figure in my life. She's been solid, unwavering (almost to the point of stubborn...) and...good. So to get word that she had been taken to the hospital not once, but twice, had hit me in a very bad way. I still get that painful, sinking feeling I felt when I received that call at random moments during the day.
It was around that time that I realised I have a fear of losing my parents and for more than a few moments I was certain that fear was going to come true for one of my parents. That's not a feeling I would wish on anyone.
After she was admitted, I didn't get to see my mom for another two weeks. They had kept her in ICU for a week and then transferred her all the way to Durham to see a specialist at Duke to plan a treatment for her condition.
Back home, those two weeks were torture. Now that I think back, I don't think it was the fact that I didn't get to see my mother but that I couldn't see her. I would either be at work or she would have a bad day and wasn't able to have visitors. It was a very frustrating time.
Then there was the guilt of going about my day while she was in hospital. Things like going for coffee or dinner or to the movies became utterly trivial because she was lying in a hospital bed fighting to get well. Granted, my mother was adamant about me getting back into the swing of things and I did my best.
Now that she's back home and well on the way to recovering, I am able to sort through my thoughts and (finally) be able write again.
Through all of this, I've understood a lot about myself. I've also begun to really see and appreciate my dad. Most of my life, I've kind of eclipsed my dad with my mom but with her being in hospital, I was really able to see who my dad is. He has been the rock of this family and continues to be. My dad, in addition to maintaining his job at the church, would drive back and forth from the hospital every. day. Even when she was transferred to Durham, he would drive back and forth every day and was constantly mindful of my brother and me. He always made sure we were taken care of and was a light of positivity in the midst of all this uncertainty. Dad even would filter through what he would tell us simply because he knew the wording would possibly scare us. While that goes against my 'truth over everything' war cry, I appreciate that and I don't fault him for anything.
I said this once before to someone else but, in a weird way, my family needed this to happen. If anything, I feel more connected to my family as ever. Additionally, I've seen why I wasn't sent to Kingston. Even if everything would have worked out, I would still be here in Raleigh. I would have never gotten on that plane knowing that my mother was ill. Never. That, in a strange way, provides me some comfort knowing that it wasn't ever going to work out in any scenario.
Through all of this, I've seen how much my friends love me.
Especially Becca and Morgan.
They have been my support system through all of this even if it meant kidnapping me for the day to distract me from everything that was going on. I honestly don't know what I would have done without them around. :)
And of course I'm grateful for my friend Patience who has also been a support system helping me sort through the medical mumbo jumbo into real life English. She's the best sis ever. :)
I've also seen how much people love my family. Although I opted not to talk about the situation, my dad was very forthcoming and the outpouring from his church was immense and overwhelming. Those people did things for us that I never would have expected anyone to do. They made sure we were taken care of and that we knew we were loved. There were many times I would chat with my dad and we'd just be in awe at what the church was doing for us. Everything was unexpected and greatly appreciated. I don't think there are any adequate words to express my gratitude for these people whom I have never met or only knew in passing or through a quick encounter.
So there it is. That's what has been happening. I'm still adjusting to how we now live our lives as a family with mom's new 'friend' but it's getting better and will continue to get better. :)
Till Next Time...
