...I really don't know how to open this so I'm just going to jump to the story, which isn't a story at all by the way, that got me thinking...which is sometimes a good thing ;)
This literally happened this morning...or yesterday morning. Either way, it was dark and morning time and early and I was just in a mood. Anyways, so I normal walk to work since my job is like right by my house and this morning (or yesterday) I was on my way to an early morning shift. As I was walking, I was reflecting on my rather awkward relationship with God as of recent. The past few weeks I had been using my walk to work as time to chat with God and talk out some things. But this particular morning (which ever morning it was) I felt the urge to talk to Him...and I just couldn't. There was just something there and I was so afraid to be the first to break the silence. I related it to an instance between two friends. They were getting really close; talking to each other on a regular basis, sharing time, secrets, jokes. Then something happens. They both know what happened but one can't seem to confront the other with what is bothering him
Now I know that the relationship between God and His children is way more than friendship but something way deeper. But when you're still getting to know God, like really trying to work towards a deep relationship, you have to start somewhere! It begins with the surface things, builds trust and then grows into something more.
And I have been always wondering where I stood in regard to me and God and in that moment of walking to work, it was revealed where I was. I was finally on my way to a relationship! I know it sounds silly but in that moment I smiled and was just glad that in the midst of all this confusion and questions, light was shed on my position with God.
Then I began to see how was working in me. At Passion, God helped me dig through the crap in my life and reach my foundation. He revealed that I was building my life on something other than Him and is helping me build back up through this rather simple task of getting to know Him. For the first time since giving my life to Christ, I have been able to understand what it means to have relationship. That we don't start out by having this deep and personal relationship, we work towards it! It's literally blowing my mind haha
As for what I will do about school, I have not decided whether to pursue Berklee again. However I know that God has given me a passion for music and that He will use me through music. I just need to continue to trust God no matter what. Even when I don't understand.
Especially when I don't understand.
I just need to 'pick a lane', as Pastor Jimmy had said :)
Just continue to pray as I enter this rather foggy part of my journey. I have faith that things will work together for this little unfinished clay pot ;)
Till Next Time...
3.29.2011
3.27.2011
Well...here it goes...
....There are clear cut moments, as a believer, when you go for something that you really want. Stepping out in faith and really shooting in the dark at something that you are completely trusting God in.
And then the unimaginable happens.
Not the good kind of unimaginable but the kind that makes you sit in silence a moment to try and make sense of something that is clear and tangible in your hands.
Let me just paint the picture here. I received this email on my Blackberry. Like all Berklee emails that have entered my phone since February, I jumped right to opening it. Little did I know...actually, I'm going to copy and paste what I'm talking about from the email I received on Friday because I can't quite paraphrase it well enough:
To say that I was stunned is an understatement.
To say that my heart sank to the very pit of my stomach is an understatement.
But I kept my composure and literally looked up and said "God, what are You doing here? I don't understand."
And I really don't. God created a way, He guided me through the steps to take. There was no halting or hesitation in my heart or in my spirit. I genuinely had hope that God would answer my prayer and send me to the school that I had been dying to go to.
The past two days I have walked on eggshells, dreading when someone would ask about it. And when the time came that someone did, I didn't even have the courage to say they rejected me the day before.
Even typing those words makes me sick.
I mean, I'm not angry. I'm mostly confused and ashamed and it's bringing out all of my feelings of inadequacy that I knew I had but not to this extent.
To be rejected from one school is one thing.
To be rejected from the very same school a year later is a completely different thing.
....I don't even really know what to do. I have no idea what God is doing. I don't know where He wants me. I don't know why He took me through all that to bring me back to the same place I was last year.
I told my parents what happened and my dad told me that I should try again and keep trying till I get in. Sure, that sounds like the beginning of a triumphant story but I don't think my heart can take many more beatings.
It's bad enough to be rejected but I'm going to have to rehash this to everyone that hasn't read this blog. To say that I'm not looking forward to it is a gross understatement.
If you are reading this, I'm going to ask that you continue to pray for me. I'm in a very...awkward place with God. I've really never been more confused in my life. I've been replaying the last month looking for a place that I screwed up. Something I could have done better to avoid this. I know it's not going to do me any good but I have to know why...
Anyways, sorry if that was depressing but I just thought that I owed this blog entry to everyone who was fervently praying for me and continue to. Thank you again by the way :)
Till Next Time...
And then the unimaginable happens.
Not the good kind of unimaginable but the kind that makes you sit in silence a moment to try and make sense of something that is clear and tangible in your hands.
Let me just paint the picture here. I received this email on my Blackberry. Like all Berklee emails that have entered my phone since February, I jumped right to opening it. Little did I know...actually, I'm going to copy and paste what I'm talking about from the email I received on Friday because I can't quite paraphrase it well enough:
Dear Steven:
Thank you for submitting your application for admission to Berklee College of Music. After a careful review and evaluation of your application by our Board of Admissions, we regret to inform you that you have not been admitted to Berklee for the September 2011, fall semester.
Thank you for submitting your application for admission to Berklee College of Music. After a careful review and evaluation of your application by our Board of Admissions, we regret to inform you that you have not been admitted to Berklee for the September 2011, fall semester.
This year's highly competitive application pool, coupled with the limited number of seats available in our entering class, has resulted in many applicants being denied admission, despite their potential to succeed. The Board of Admissions is unable to consider an appeal of this decision.
Should you continue to have an interest in attending Berklee, you are welcome to reapply for the September 2012 semester or beyond.
We wish you every success in your future musical endeavors.
Sincerely,
Damien S. Bracken
Dean of Admissions
Should you continue to have an interest in attending Berklee, you are welcome to reapply for the September 2012 semester or beyond.
We wish you every success in your future musical endeavors.
Sincerely,
Damien S. Bracken
Dean of Admissions
To say that I was stunned is an understatement.
To say that my heart sank to the very pit of my stomach is an understatement.
But I kept my composure and literally looked up and said "God, what are You doing here? I don't understand."
And I really don't. God created a way, He guided me through the steps to take. There was no halting or hesitation in my heart or in my spirit. I genuinely had hope that God would answer my prayer and send me to the school that I had been dying to go to.
The past two days I have walked on eggshells, dreading when someone would ask about it. And when the time came that someone did, I didn't even have the courage to say they rejected me the day before.
Even typing those words makes me sick.
I mean, I'm not angry. I'm mostly confused and ashamed and it's bringing out all of my feelings of inadequacy that I knew I had but not to this extent.
To be rejected from one school is one thing.
To be rejected from the very same school a year later is a completely different thing.
....I don't even really know what to do. I have no idea what God is doing. I don't know where He wants me. I don't know why He took me through all that to bring me back to the same place I was last year.
I told my parents what happened and my dad told me that I should try again and keep trying till I get in. Sure, that sounds like the beginning of a triumphant story but I don't think my heart can take many more beatings.
It's bad enough to be rejected but I'm going to have to rehash this to everyone that hasn't read this blog. To say that I'm not looking forward to it is a gross understatement.
If you are reading this, I'm going to ask that you continue to pray for me. I'm in a very...awkward place with God. I've really never been more confused in my life. I've been replaying the last month looking for a place that I screwed up. Something I could have done better to avoid this. I know it's not going to do me any good but I have to know why...
Anyways, sorry if that was depressing but I just thought that I owed this blog entry to everyone who was fervently praying for me and continue to. Thank you again by the way :)
Till Next Time...
3.21.2011
My Secret Is....
I hate asking myself the hard questions.
Like, 'What do you believe in?'
And, 'What is your secret?', 'What is holding you back in your walk with God?'
Those questions, however helpful, are freakin awful.
I just got back from small group where I found myself tuning in and out the topic at hand to ask myself those questions. I was not prepared to ask myself anything really. In fact, if I was being honest with myself, I really didn't think I needed to ask myself those questions at all.
I mean, I accepted Christ when I was 7 and really started living out my faith when I was 13 or 14 so I felt like I shouldn't really need to ask myself 'What do you believe in?'. Sure those questions are very healthy to ask but just asking them (again, mind you) felt...dirty.
Anyways, small group, really deep stuff.
I began thinking about what was holding me back from living a fulfilled life and I feel like I've known all along but chose to believe it was something else.
The answer I came to admit to myself is that I'm afraid of being vulnerable. It's really the answer to a lot of the problems I have. It's the reason I'm terrified of a relationship with anyone, including God; the reason I struggle with writing music, the reason I am out of touch with many emotions....the list could go on.
It's really to the point that I begin to shake uncontrollably when I start talking about anything that is personal to me. It's like a reflex. My heart starts to open and my brain immediately moves in and says "whoa there! What's going on here? SEAL THE DOORS!" the alarm, the shuddering, goes off and that's that.
I don't know why I'm posting this in a blog, admitting my faults online, but maybe someone somewhere will read this and feel safe knowing that they're not alone.
But I am not satisfied just knowing this about myself. God allows things to be revealed to make us better and to draw us closer to Him and I am determined to fight against this.
"God has not given us the spirit of fear but the spirit of Love and of a sound mind"
It is not God's will for me to live bound by fear and I trust that He will see me through.
Till Next Time...
P.S. Totally thought I got off easy Sunday because I thought, 'I don't have a secret! Psh!'...this is way worst because of the false hope....lol
Like, 'What do you believe in?'
And, 'What is your secret?', 'What is holding you back in your walk with God?'
Those questions, however helpful, are freakin awful.
I just got back from small group where I found myself tuning in and out the topic at hand to ask myself those questions. I was not prepared to ask myself anything really. In fact, if I was being honest with myself, I really didn't think I needed to ask myself those questions at all.
I mean, I accepted Christ when I was 7 and really started living out my faith when I was 13 or 14 so I felt like I shouldn't really need to ask myself 'What do you believe in?'. Sure those questions are very healthy to ask but just asking them (again, mind you) felt...dirty.
Anyways, small group, really deep stuff.
I began thinking about what was holding me back from living a fulfilled life and I feel like I've known all along but chose to believe it was something else.
The answer I came to admit to myself is that I'm afraid of being vulnerable. It's really the answer to a lot of the problems I have. It's the reason I'm terrified of a relationship with anyone, including God; the reason I struggle with writing music, the reason I am out of touch with many emotions....the list could go on.
It's really to the point that I begin to shake uncontrollably when I start talking about anything that is personal to me. It's like a reflex. My heart starts to open and my brain immediately moves in and says "whoa there! What's going on here? SEAL THE DOORS!" the alarm, the shuddering, goes off and that's that.
I don't know why I'm posting this in a blog, admitting my faults online, but maybe someone somewhere will read this and feel safe knowing that they're not alone.
But I am not satisfied just knowing this about myself. God allows things to be revealed to make us better and to draw us closer to Him and I am determined to fight against this.
"God has not given us the spirit of fear but the spirit of Love and of a sound mind"
It is not God's will for me to live bound by fear and I trust that He will see me through.
Till Next Time...
P.S. Totally thought I got off easy Sunday because I thought, 'I don't have a secret! Psh!'...this is way worst because of the false hope....lol
3.17.2011
Let The Patience Games BEGIN...
God apparently is a big fan of this whole patience thing.
It's been almost two weeks since my audition in Boston and I feel like I've been in Raleigh for AGES! It's very hard for me to wait till the end of the month to find out if I got into the school I've been trying to get into for a year.
But through this, God is showing me all the great supportive people I have around me! I say it all the time but it blows me away knowing that all these people are praying for me because they not only believe in me but they believe in what God is doing. It's just remarkable.
Another thing I'm doing during this waiting period is settling in my heart about how things will turn out. I know that God is faithful but the every persistent enemy keeps reminding me about last year. About the sinking gut feeling that I felt when I got my 'not-acceptance' email.
It's scary going back to the beginning of a very dark emotional period in my life. But I'm having faith. I can't predict what will happen but I know that God is faithful. I keep reminding myself that God is faithful. He paved a way and I walked. He is faithful to finish the work He has started in me. All I can do is trust in Him and His plan and walk in faith. This is all very new to me but I don't think I'm doing so shabby eh? haha!
And for those who have been asking about the details of my audition, here they go!
I played "Found" by Hillsong. I did my own interpretation based on the original version. Not the Savior King version. And I sang along with it as well which is a huge deal. I don't sing very often in front of people in a serious way but now that I've done it here, I think I'll be singing a lot more :) Anyways, I played it well! Definitely was fighting off nerves and messed up some chording but I stayed in key so there's that glimmer of hope haha
I hear back from Berklee on March 31st. I'm sure I'll blog about the answer and my facebook/twitter will be swarmed with the news haha
Till Next Time...
It's been almost two weeks since my audition in Boston and I feel like I've been in Raleigh for AGES! It's very hard for me to wait till the end of the month to find out if I got into the school I've been trying to get into for a year.
But through this, God is showing me all the great supportive people I have around me! I say it all the time but it blows me away knowing that all these people are praying for me because they not only believe in me but they believe in what God is doing. It's just remarkable.
Another thing I'm doing during this waiting period is settling in my heart about how things will turn out. I know that God is faithful but the every persistent enemy keeps reminding me about last year. About the sinking gut feeling that I felt when I got my 'not-acceptance' email.
It's scary going back to the beginning of a very dark emotional period in my life. But I'm having faith. I can't predict what will happen but I know that God is faithful. I keep reminding myself that God is faithful. He paved a way and I walked. He is faithful to finish the work He has started in me. All I can do is trust in Him and His plan and walk in faith. This is all very new to me but I don't think I'm doing so shabby eh? haha!
And for those who have been asking about the details of my audition, here they go!
I played "Found" by Hillsong. I did my own interpretation based on the original version. Not the Savior King version. And I sang along with it as well which is a huge deal. I don't sing very often in front of people in a serious way but now that I've done it here, I think I'll be singing a lot more :) Anyways, I played it well! Definitely was fighting off nerves and messed up some chording but I stayed in key so there's that glimmer of hope haha
I hear back from Berklee on March 31st. I'm sure I'll blog about the answer and my facebook/twitter will be swarmed with the news haha
Till Next Time...
3.04.2011
Struck Down...But Not Destroyed...
Welp! I'm heeeeere!
The long awaited Berklee Audition weekend has finally arrived and now that I am here, I'm not sure what to do with myself! There's no itinerary, no deadlines. I feel like the entire city is at my fingertips and it's a good feeling to say the very least.
God has really been blessing me the past couple of days before my initial flight out. Like even in the (seemingly) small things like covering my shifts for the weekend, providing ample finances and surrounding me with a level of support that I couldn't even dream of! I have so many people praying for me simply because they love me and believe in what God is doing in me! It's so humbling seeing the outpour of love and prayer all around me and I can't do anything but say thanks and direct it back to God because He's the one that matters in the end.
Tomorrow I will audition for the school I've been dreaming about going to for the past couple of years. But this isn't just any ol' audition.
This is a movement of faith.
The last time I was up here, I was a very different Steven. Just looking for a way to escape my problems and using Berklee as an excuse. I was so stressed and then have the entire thing fall apart at my feet was devastating.
Although I had told people "maybe next year!", inside I was angry. Furious at God for not giving me what I wanted and in the timing that I wanted it.
In retrospect, I can see God loved me and was probably just nodding His head as I shouted at Him. And I can see that He knew what was right. He broke me down because He knew I was building on the wrong foundation. He renewed my passion for music and introduced to me what it truly means to worship Him with all of my heart and ability. I gained knowledge and, finally, courage to apply again after my 'defeat'.
Now I'm here! There's little, if any, stress, a freeness that I can't begin to explain and a 'do your thing' attitude towards God haha He's going to rock my freakin world and I can't wait! I can't help but smile as I walk down these streets knowing that God has brought me back with a determination and a passion to carry His name wherever He may have me.
Please continue to pray for my safety and for my sense of direction lol Audition is tomorrow and I'm sure I'll post a 'post-audition' blog. :)
Till Next Time!
The long awaited Berklee Audition weekend has finally arrived and now that I am here, I'm not sure what to do with myself! There's no itinerary, no deadlines. I feel like the entire city is at my fingertips and it's a good feeling to say the very least.
God has really been blessing me the past couple of days before my initial flight out. Like even in the (seemingly) small things like covering my shifts for the weekend, providing ample finances and surrounding me with a level of support that I couldn't even dream of! I have so many people praying for me simply because they love me and believe in what God is doing in me! It's so humbling seeing the outpour of love and prayer all around me and I can't do anything but say thanks and direct it back to God because He's the one that matters in the end.
Tomorrow I will audition for the school I've been dreaming about going to for the past couple of years. But this isn't just any ol' audition.
This is a movement of faith.
The last time I was up here, I was a very different Steven. Just looking for a way to escape my problems and using Berklee as an excuse. I was so stressed and then have the entire thing fall apart at my feet was devastating.
Although I had told people "maybe next year!", inside I was angry. Furious at God for not giving me what I wanted and in the timing that I wanted it.
In retrospect, I can see God loved me and was probably just nodding His head as I shouted at Him. And I can see that He knew what was right. He broke me down because He knew I was building on the wrong foundation. He renewed my passion for music and introduced to me what it truly means to worship Him with all of my heart and ability. I gained knowledge and, finally, courage to apply again after my 'defeat'.
Now I'm here! There's little, if any, stress, a freeness that I can't begin to explain and a 'do your thing' attitude towards God haha He's going to rock my freakin world and I can't wait! I can't help but smile as I walk down these streets knowing that God has brought me back with a determination and a passion to carry His name wherever He may have me.
Please continue to pray for my safety and for my sense of direction lol Audition is tomorrow and I'm sure I'll post a 'post-audition' blog. :)
Till Next Time!
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