Driftwood Syndrome...

Last week was the first week for university students. 

This week it's the first day for elementary, middle, and high school students. 

Basically, this means that almost everyone I know is now involved in school. 

Then there's me. 

I feel like I've talked about this before but I feel like my life is a cycle. No matter how hard I try to break the cycle, it keeps rolling back around. To say it's annoying is a grand understatement. It's hard to look forward when the past seems to repeat itself over and over again. 

I don't understand. 

I've said it before and I will say it again, I want to be in school. I feel like the reason I don't feel motivated to do anything else is because I feel inadequate and unprepared. Learning, for me, is the best way to feel prepared for things in life. I want to be a writer but I know that education affords me the ability to learn new skills that will help me be a better writer. It's just frustrating because it's the door I haven't been able to open. 

Speaking of school, I've had to rehash the Kingston thing nearly every single day in the month of August. Although I've come to terms, it's still very painful and the more people ask what I'm going to do next, the more uncertain about the future I feel. I've lost my focal point and now I feel like I'm drifting about. As a result, my writing has suffered and my overall motivation for getting up in the morning has taken a huge blow. 

Also, let's not even begin to talk about my spiritual life. It's hard to talk about. I went to my college group on Wednesday and the topic was faith and the further we went into conversation, the more I didn't want to talk about it any more. The final blow was the question, "When was the last time you acted in faith and what was the result?" I seriously wanted to run out of the room and walk home. My spiritual life seems to be the major casualty out of this whole thing. I felt abandoned by God. Like literally abandoned. I thought he wanted something for me, I went for it, and he didn't show up. It's hard to just bounce back from that. I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to see him, or hear about how much he loves me when I know how I felt when I thought we were on the same page and he didn't do anything to help me. I was completely alone in this and I wish I could say this was the first time. 

Phew! Okay. I'm done talking about that portion of my life. I need to find a new focal point. That's what's going to put me back in the swing and get me motivated. This driftwood syndrome is not my cuppa. 

(British reference. I told you I would be insufferable. It begins.)

Till Next Time...

Another [Year], Another Destiny...

Yes. Another Les Miserables reference. Deal with it. ;)

Okay! Wow. Where do I even start with this?! 

21 has been such an incredible year for me. I looked back at the post I did last year in which I was wide-eyed and innocent looking into this new realm of adulthood. I had plans and was determined to make them happen. 

Let's review shall we? I think it will help get us on the right track. 

Around this time last year, I had the idea for ConStruct. Now ConStruct is a reality, has grown and will continue to grow with hard work. It also has provided me the fuel I never knew I needed to pursue a career I never thought I would be able to foray into. It's still an uphill battle to get some notoriety but it's a journey. It's all a journey. 

Shortly after starting ConStruct, I made the brave decision to pursue university in the UK. Having healed from prior failed launches towards higher education, I was renewed with a sense of hope from my best friend who still continues to inspire me to desire to be better. She told me to "just do it"; I applied it to studying at Kingston and I've applied it further to other things in my life. 

A few months after that, I got an offer from Kingston University and accepted it! That is still one of the happiest days I've ever had in all my life. There was this sense of accomplishment; this feeling of validity that I hadn't felt in so long when it came to schools. I will never forget it. That was also the same month that UCAS chose me to be one of four international applicants to blog about their experiences applying to UK schools. That, too, was an incredible opportunity and I am grateful for the platform they gave me to speak to people who were looking for someone to relate with them. 

Then it happened. The trip of a lifetime. After careful planning and divine intervention, I hopped on a plane and flew across the pond to Europe to see my best friend in Dublin. I still get chills thinking about it and how amazing that trip was. It's one of my greatest achievements and I did it more or less by myself! There's a thrill and a sense of accomplishment travelling alone. I thrive on it. I don't always feel very independent but when I travel, I feel like I can do anything I want. (Within legal reasonings, of course) Those two weeks have shaped the way I see the world and sparked something in me that hasn't burned out. I'm more confident, more determined and more experienced! Plus, I got to see things I had only read in books or seen pictures. It was incredible and I can't wait to go again in the future. :) 

The next few months after that seemed to take an unexpected downward turn. Things were peachy for a while but things began to take a turn for the worst when it came to pretty much everything, including plans for Kingston. I can't remember a time I felt more helpless than when I was going through the ups and downs of getting things in order for Kingston. It was quite possibly the worst emotional experience of my life but I think I've grown the most from it. I'm still on the mend though. I've felt abandoned by God more times than I want and people, Christians especially, don't just get over that. I'm still trying to gauge myself spiritually but it's going to be a process.

Now we've caught up! Kingston can now stand next to Berklee on the shelf of Failed Attempts. Haha! I have to laugh about it because honestly, who do you know that has gone through so much to get to university only to be shut down at every turn. Maybe I've got something over my head that says, "Don't let him go to college". Anyway, now that I've been brought full circle, I have to look towards the future. I don't know what it holds but I'm hoping that whatever it is, I'll be happy with it. I don't know how much more my heart can take from getting shot down so many times with school. I just want a degree that will help me get ahead. That's all I want. That and to travel and write. I don't think that's too much but apparently it is. Don't take this as me being pessimistic; I'm just being honest. 

22 is going to be a great year for me no matter what because happiness mostly what you make it. 

For the first time in my life, my future is a blank slate for the most part. Sure, I have things planned and dotted along but for the most part, I don't know where my life is going to take me. I just hope it's a good place. :)

Here's to 22!!

Till Next Time...

Wall of Happiness...

I finally did it! 

A while back, I had a genius idea to put things up in my room. But not just things. Things that meant something to me. Things that I could look at and bring my mind to happier thoughts on a unhappy day. 

Since I was going to be moving away, I decided to put it off because what the point of putting things up if you're only going to take them down in a few months, right? Well plans have changed and the perfect storm occurred: I was feeling nostalgic, I had an idea and I got paid. 

I now present to you, my Wall(s) of Happiness.

Isn't it great?! I'm really proud of it. 

The map on the right I've had for quite a while but for some reason I never put it up. It's only been a few hours since I put it up and it's already putting me in such a great mood. This is how I'm going I'm coping for not going to Kingston haha. The photo on the left is a collage of the many things I kept from my Europe trip. I'm kind of a hoarder in that regard. I can't seem to let something go especially if it holds some emotional significance. 

Here are some other shots: 

I really adore this map on the left. I can't remember where I got it. I think it was at a yard sale or something. I'll just say it's vintage. It's what style bloggers say when they can't remember where they got something haha! The photo on the right is a larger view of the Europe wall. These are things like plane tickets and receipts from place I went to want to remember from the three countries I visited: Ireland, England and France. Some of these things no one will understand why I kept but I kind of like that. It makes it special.

The photo on the left is my favourite. I never noticed until I was putting it up that my British Airways ticket from London to Paris said "Euro Traveller". Behind the ticket is a pamphlet from Charles de Gaulle airport. When I landed and tried to get into Paris, they happened to be doing construction to the train that went straight to the city. They handed out these pamphlets explaining the situation and what they were doing for travellers. It was frustrating but I kept it because it reminded me of the bus ride into Paris where I met the nicest Australian family on holiday. They thought I was British because I picked up a bit of an accent from being in London so they were super surprised when I said I was American! Haha!  Oh, and they just so happened to be passing through Paris for the night and had just come from skiing in Japan; go figure!

The photo on the right is actually next to the world map! It's going to be a place I put things involving friends that make me happy. It's mostly just invitations from amazing weddings I've been to but will evolve...I hope haha!

This wall is the epitome of my happiness and I love it but it serves another purpose. It's also my inspiration. I've said it before in another post (maybe?) that looking at maps inspire me. Whilst I'm currently in a place where I'm not really inspired, I've created my own inspiration in hopes to better myself and my writing.

I can't wait to see this continue to grow!

Yay!

Till Next Time...

Musings of the Mused: Post-Decision Life...

It's been a week since my decision to not pursue Kingston anymore. 

This is my post-decision life.

It's kind of weird.

It's weird because I know I'm not going but it's still okay; the world has not fallen in upon itself nor has my life become a scene from Les Mis...

"I had a dream my life would be..." 

To be completely honest, after the blog posted, I had a sense of relieve the entire day. I was wholly at peace with my decision and I was ready to pursue the next chapter in my life. Now that I think about it, that whole Kingston thing was really stressing me out. Like, unhealthily stressing me out. It all came to a head when I found myself completely broken down in my parent's bedroom painfully shouting what I was feeling and realising this was a problem. 

I had allowed my pursuit to slowly but surely consume me until I was a ticking time bomb of pent up emotions. It's really scary, now that I think about it. Saying, "I'm going to let this go for good" was quite possibly the best thing that I could have done. It was like hitting the pressure release on my life and I was able to breathe. 

:le sigh:

Sure I'm still super bummed about not going and I've still put off sending that email to Kingston letting them know that I'm not actually coming...those things will pass and that email will be sent...eventually... ;P

In other news, I have a writing job! I'm a real life freelance writer which is interesting because that was the field I wanted to do in the first place but I thought it would be too difficult. I'm writing product descriptions for a website which, let's be real, is not what I really want to do long term. BUT it pays and I'm getting really good at it! My boss tells me that I'm one of his best writers which is why he's basically coaching me through this and trying to get the best work out of me. It's tough work but I'm learning a lot, getting some experience under my belt and I'm getting an extra paycheck every week which rocks. Definitely need that. 

I was talking to one of my best friends and she was telling me about her recent discovery of a passion she had and how excited she was about pursuing it. I'm always so proud of my friends when they discover something that they love and that they want to excel at. I was able to relate with her and talk about my writing job and how I'm working my way up to where I want to be. She was able to relate with me in the same regard; doing jobs that she doesn't particularly like in an effort to work her way to her dream job. 

I want to write editorials and articles for magazines and blogs.  I want to travel; see all the world has to offer and I want to learn as I go along. I want to learn languages and cultures and delve into the cornucopia of experiences this amazing world has to offer.  I want to be inspired by the things around me and live in a different place every couple of years. I've realised very quickly that I have a traveller's spirit. I thrive on being in a new place and seeing new things. I get bored very easily and that's reflected in a lot of things that I do (i.e. my resume). The fact that this blog is still going after 3 years is a bloody miracle. 

Anyway, that was a bit of a ramble but I tend to do that on this blog. This is my zen place. I'm not worried about structure or topics; I just write what's on my mind and one my heart. The "Musings of the Mused", I believe is my tag line. 

If you've lasted with me for this long, I want you to remember to figure out what you are passionate about. I figured out writing, travel and music were my passions by asking myself "would I do this even if I knew I wouldn't be rich?" The answer was yes and it just made sense. However, the way we figure out our passions is different so give yourself time. Be patient. I'm speaking to myself as well so don't worry. Some people don't know what they're passionate about until they are dropped into a situation. Others don't figure out unless it's by accident. We're all different in more than one way or another so this self-discovery of passions is no different. 

Now that I'm sure what I'm passionate about, I'm going to start focusing on that. I'm going to be writing and I'm going to be making travelling one of my priorities. It's going to happen. And I'm still going to be looking for more writing jobs! I want to be able to write full time and support myself. That's the dream and I'm dreaming it suckas! Hahaha!! 

Okay I need the sleeps...

I'll be keeping you all posted on my musings and my life as always! Love you! <3 :)

Till Next Time...

I Have Decided...

Hey everyone

I'm sure this post won't come as a surprise to some but I feel like I still should address it in an effort to avoid retelling this over and over and over again. (Although I'm sure I'm going to rehash this for forseeable future...)
I'm going to touch on a few things in this post and it may be a bit long but bear with me!

I've been posting on this blog a lot about my dreams and aspirations; mostly for my own personal sanity but also to help inspire other people to dream bigger. There's one thing that I want to be in this world and that's an inspiration. 

Incredibly, I've gotten story after story from people who have read my blog and caused them to look at the world as an option. This blows me away and I'm honoured that people are reading my words and  are being inspired. I love that some people are seeing that America, while great in its own way and full of opportunity, is not everything. There is a whole world to explore and experience, you just have to refuse to sell yourself short, take the first step and leap. 

However, there is a flipside to everything. There is the success story, the one they write about in books,  and then there is the short end of the stick. I seem to be the poster child for the latter; being the example for the reality of pursuing dreams and aspirations.

With that being said, due to extreme financial difficulty and roadblocks, I will neither be moving to England nor attending Kingston University in the fall. 

Although I've been preparing my heart for this kind of outcome, there aren't many words to describe how completely gutted I am about all this. It's one thing to have never been accepted to university, it's a completely separate matter entirely being accepted to university and being unable to attend. It's no secret that I have an immense desire to attend university and pursue further education so this blow is a very painful one. I'm not closing the door for God to do something ridiculously insane but the current situation is pretty bleak and hurts like a motherfather.

Despite this outcome, I am looking to the positives. This opens my future to something completely different. Like I was telling someone the other day, I can always move to England, it's just a matter of when. I'm young. I have my whole life ahead of me to grow. This is only a minor setback. I said it before I opened what would be my acceptance email, even if this doesn't happen, moving to Europe is still on the table. I'm not giving up; just exploring another avenue. 

Now becomes the question: what next?? I'll be in America a bit longer so I guess I will have to make the best of it. ;)

I'm not sure what the next step looks like but rest assured that I won't be kept down by this setback. Life is too short to wallow in what has passed (or will pass), so I will be considering other options for the fall. 

As for school, I don't really know what that looks like now. I'm not sure if this is God's way of telling me to get an education here in America or not but if He wants me to go to school, He will have to point me in the right direction. I'm at my wits end with this whole thing. The pursuit of higher education should never be this difficult, in my opinion. My only issue is my utter distaste for the American school system. If God wants me to go to school here in America, I'm hoping patience will be attached to the package...next to a big, fat check...I'm kidding!

Okay, okay I was kidding a little...but you laughed, I know you did.

I will still continue to write (of course), I'll still be working on my style blog and providing excellent life commentary on Twitter & Instagram. Rest assured, I'm not going to let this get me down. :) 

Anyway, thank you guys for supporting me and cheering me on. It is greatly appreciated and I love you for it. I hope you continue to be in my corner in the future and follow along with me. In two weeks I'll be 22 and I'm actually looking forward to seeing what is next for me. Sure I won't be making Europe arrangements but that's still cool...yeah...:ahem:....lol 

To those who didn't want me to leave in the first place, you get to keep me for a while! 

You're welcome. ;) 

Till Next Time...