The First Time & The Last Time...

Alright blogosphere, hold on to your aprons, this could get messy.

I'm going to talk about "race". Not the intellectualized, buttered up and broadcasted view of race, but race from my perspective and life experience.

Let me preface this by saying that this post was brought on by a wildly offensive text I received a couple of days ago questioning the reasoning behind my delving into my past on Ancestry.com. I have since forgiven this person but my patience has been reached and the damage has been done.

However, just to make sure we're getting everything, let's start at the beginning.

I am of mixed heritage. My father is African-American and my mother is Puerto Rican. I identify as a Puerto Rican man. Not black. I love my father and he loves me. He knows that I identify as Puerto Rican and is fine with it. In fact, he encourages it.

All my life I have dreaded the question, "So, what are you?" knowing that they were implying, "What race are you?"
All my life I have felt the overwhelming need to correct people when they call me "black" or the need to explain myself when I call myself Puerto Rican. Yes, when people ask what race I am, I tell them "Puerto Rican." I put it on every legal document. Job application. Even those dumb Facebook surveys.
I do this not because I'm denying a part of myself.
Not because I don't want to be black but because that's how I was raised. My parents collectively raised me to identify with the Latino heritage and I made the conscious choice to identify as Latino when I got older. Being Puerto Rican is all I know.

Ironically, the subject of my heritage has gotten worse as I've gotten older. Some people (yes, that's plural) have even had the nerve to correct me when I told them I was Puerto Rican.

What?!?

When did it become acceptable in American society to question someone when they tell another person their heritage? Let me be very clear, no one has the right to question my own heritage. The fact that someone would even try and correct me is asinine and illogical. Who gave anyone the right to plaster a label on me and file me with a select few people they know? I refuse to just take a number and join the rest of the people you've color categorized in your own mind.

My favourite is, "why do you dress so white?"

Oh that one just kills me for many reasons. One, you are implying that because my skin is darker that I should dress a specific way. Two, you are implying that I shouldn't be wearing the clothes I'm wearing. Three, you are have openly revealed that in your head, there are groups of people and these people wear certain things, say certain things and do certain things. Also, that because I do not fit your set notion of people, that I am wrong.

Isn't that grand? And people wonder why I don't like people...

Let's get one thing straight: the fact that I don't fit into someone's narrow, uncultured view of the world is thrilling. It means that I'm doing something right :)

Now let me clarify, I'm not writing this on my blog because I desire attention or to start something up. I am writing this as the first and the last. This is the first time I have openly addressed race (more specifically my heritage) and will be the last time.

I refuse to explain myself any longer and I refuse to answer the question, "so what are you?" because it is irrelevant.
Is knowing my heritage going to make you want to talk to me more/less?
Is knowing my heritage going to reveal a great mystery?
Is knowing my heritage going to make you want to get to know me more/less?
Is knowing my heritage going to make me more/less attractive?

If the answer is "no" to any of those questions then stop asking, "so what are you?" You might actually be on the road to being one of the few decent people in this country.
If your answer is "yes" to any of those questions then you really need to take a hard look at the way you view people.

As for me?

I am not a label.

Go color code someone else.

Till Next Time...

I'm Not A Theologian But...

Well this is an interesting thought/question and maybe I can get some feedback from my readers?

I was talking to one of my good friends like literally 20 minutes ago just about life and the reality of it. And I brought up the question: Where do we draw the line between being complacent and ungrateful?

I've actually wondered this for a long time because I've made it no secret that I have no desire to live where I'm living anymore. My heart is in Europe, a place I have never lain eyes on but feel so drawn to. But when do I stop and say, "Whoa. Let's stop here. I'm beginning to be ungrateful."

I hear all the time that we should be happy where we are in life. But I refuse to be complacent. I will not, I repeat, will not be satisfied by staying in one place for the rest of my life. I can feel it right now and it is as strong now as it was years ago. In fact, I'm feeling it stronger. Like my head is bouncing against the ceiling.

I think that being ungrateful would mean that I was taking advantage of everything and everyone around me which I'm most certainly not doing.
But what is wrong with wanting something more?
Something better?
Something new?
Is that too much to ask?
And how would one go about leaving everything and everyone they know to pursue a life that is unclear. Where is the line between faith and foolishness?

Faith is clearly stated in Hebrews 1:1-3 (ESV) "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the Word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible..."
See? And weren't those champions of faith seen as foolish carrying out things that they were complete unsure of? I believe it's merely a manner of perception. The world will see is as foolhardiness but a Christian should be able to look at it and see faith at work. But I feel like there are a lot of Christians who will look at me and see a foolish boy hoping for many things and ungrateful.

A part of me wants to say "Screw you" but there's another part of me is wary of my decisions...I don't know. I feel like I start blogs with a thought and it carries into a rant. But who cares. It's my blog. I do what I wants! Haha!
But let me know what you think in the comments. I never ask for comments but I'm interested to hear what other points of view there are. If I don't see comments, I will assume that all my readers agree with me completely. :)

Till Next Time...

Now That I Have Seen...

I'm such a jerk to God sometimes. 

At the beginning of my Berklee...let's say "adventure" because it wasn't anything less than an adventure, I suddenly became very interested in God's plan for my life. My prayer life began to flourish and I felt like I was really getting to know God in a way I hadn't before. 

Then came the curveball that I wasn't expecting and I just kind of rolled with it, trusting in God that He was going to take care of me. 

Fast-forward to now and I'm back to where I started. And I feel like such a jerk looking back. 

I feel like I screwed myself over and I feel like an idiot now seeing that I was only interested in getting close to God because I was hoping that if I said the right things and presented this "willing heart" that He would give me what I wanted. 

And that's really lame. 

I am ashamed that I even thought that I could hide anything from God. I should know better than that. He sees everything in me. And God brought me right back to where I began. Sure I learned a lot from that experience but I can see that I was trying to play God and "sweet talk" Him into morphing His plan to suit me. 

How could I do that?!

Then I began to think, "How many other people are doing that right now?" 

I'm sure I would be astounded. People, especially type-A control freaks like myself, will do almost anything to get to what they want and it's really sad. But God is so completely just and merciful that He (for lack of a better statement) went along with my selfishness. Because although I had a subconscious agenda, God still listened to me and God still spoke to me. He even dropped in my spirit a few times what was going to happen but I thought it was the enemy trying to discourage me. 

It's astonishing that God, even through all of my crap, still shows Himself strong and revealed myself to me.

 

Now that I have seen, I am responsible. Faith without deeds is dead

That's one of the lyrics to Brooke Fraser's song Albertine and it resounds through me all the time. Now that God has revealed my heart to me, I am responsible with what I do with this knowledge and how I move on from this point. 

All in all, God is relentless. He will not rest until we are reflections of His Son, Jesus and that is a beautiful thing to think about as a Christian. He will dig through ourselves and show us what we have overlooked. I just believe that we need to be open to see our faults and own up to them. Otherwise it's pointless. 

I know this post was more of a rant than anything but I hope this gets to the right people. 

Till Next Time...

It's All A Process Apparently...

It's so amazing how quickly I get under something that I got over.

Like being disappointed over things I can't control. It's a complete waste of time and I know it. But the minute that I'm determined to dwell in the present and be thankful.

BOOM.

POW.

I'm back in business.
It's a stupid business.

And it's frustrating! How, if I am in freedom, keep loading up the chains? Paul spoke about this in one of his letters and it's so honest. It's like the most honest statement in the Bible in my opinion. He does things he doesn't want to do and the things he wants to do, he can't find himself doing.
It's an endless cycle of wishing and washing and battling against the sinful nature that is embedded into my every fiber. It really does make my skin crawl.

And the most frustrating part is that people pretend that there's nothing wrong! Like, hellooooo do you not see the problem here? This is what you should be doing and this is not. You are in the not. It's frustrates the crap out of me. When will it end? When will we stop lying to ourselves and others and just admit we are faulty and go to God.
I know I am the last person to be saying this because I have the hardest time asking for help for anything. From God. People. Anyone. And currently, I'm not really happy with God at the moment.
Just being honest.
But I know the truth. We just have to open our hearts and let Jesus hammer away at us. We are His little sculptures. Especially crafted. Handmade by the Creator. He has the final end in mind and is molding us till we complete the masterpiece He has set us.
Now when you think of it in that way, it sounds so poetic, right?
Wonderful process but it's so painful.
Sorry about the rant. I think I was long over-due for one. And congrats for getting all the way to the end! You're a trooper :)

Till Next Time