My Secret Is....

I hate asking myself the hard questions.

Like, 'What do you believe in?'

And, 'What is your secret?', 'What is holding you back in your walk with God?'

Those questions, however helpful, are freakin awful.

I just got back from small group where I found myself tuning in and out the topic at hand to ask myself those questions. I was not prepared to ask myself anything really. In fact, if I was being honest with myself, I really didn't think I needed to ask myself those questions at all.

I mean, I accepted Christ when I was 7 and really started living out my faith when I was 13 or 14 so I felt like I shouldn't really need to ask myself 'What do you believe in?'. Sure those questions are very healthy to ask but just asking them (again, mind you) felt...dirty.

Anyways, small group, really deep stuff.
I began thinking about what was holding me back from living a fulfilled life and I feel like I've known all along but chose to believe it was something else.
The answer I came to admit to myself is that I'm afraid of being vulnerable. It's really the answer to a lot of the problems I have. It's the reason I'm terrified of a relationship with anyone, including God; the reason I struggle with writing music, the reason I am out of touch with many emotions....the list could go on.

It's really to the point that I begin to shake uncontrollably when I start talking about anything that is personal to me. It's like a reflex. My heart starts to open and my brain immediately moves in and says "whoa there! What's going on here? SEAL THE DOORS!" the alarm, the shuddering, goes off and that's that.

I don't know why I'm posting this in a blog, admitting my faults online, but maybe someone somewhere will read this and feel safe knowing that they're not alone.
But I am not satisfied just knowing this about myself. God allows things to be revealed to make us better and to draw us closer to Him and I am determined to fight against this.

"God has not given us the spirit of fear but the spirit of Love and of a sound mind"


It is not God's will for me to live bound by fear and I trust that He will see me through. 

Till Next Time...

P.S. Totally thought I got off easy Sunday because I thought, 'I don't have a secret! Psh!'...this is way worst because of the false hope....lol