Finding Hope...

God is an interesting fellow...

Recently, I set out to do something I never really thought I could. This thing would have put me in a very different place than I'm at right now. A pretty good place, I thought, but a very different place.

Without going into tons of detail, it didn't work out so now I'm back at this place in my life that I've been kept in for a quite a while now. This place of uncertainty, doubt and feeling stagnant. 

I feel like I've been trapped in a bubble. Nay. A forcefield; the world around me keeps spinning along but I remain stationary. I can't effect anything or change anything and, anytime I try to move, I'm snapped right back. It's frustration, putting it lightly.

In my mind, I know this means that God is moving...actually, I don't know He's moving but I have to believe He's moving. I have to have hope that He is ordering steps in the direction He wants me to go. I have to trust that or else I will go insane. 

However, I am trying to prepare my heart for hurt because if things continue as they are, I will be hurt. A lot. I know there is a chance for things to turn out just fine but I don't see it. I can't see it. All I can do is wait and see what happens. And it's easy to say the Christian things but, let's be real, I'm kind of past the Christian things. The words that Christians say to other but really they're thinking something completely different. So I'm just going to say it how it is. (The PG version)

This sucks.

I know the Christian walk isn't rainbows and daisies but I'd like to at least frolic on a rolling hill or something every now and again. I mean come on.

While we're on the honesty train, I'm at a place in my life where I don't feel God. I feel like I'm in a white room with no doors or windows. Sterile, cold and clinical. When I pray, I feel like it's echoing in an empty hall or bouncing around the room. And the more desperate my prayers become, the less I feel like they're being heard. In my brain, I feel like there should be a formula but there isn't. I don't know what to do and it feels like God has put me on hold indefinitely.

Needless to say, it's really really hard to have faith in this time of my life. But I have to have faith. It goes back to the "I need to believe or I'm going to freak out" thing. No matter how bleak things are, I seem to still find that glimmer of hope. That little flame on the burner that refuses to go out. It's kind of my nature. 

I'm a Leo. I'm not a mystic but I know what things to take into my life and what to leave and I accept the fact that I am a Leo. A lion. Stubborn but fierce. Not to be trifled with and, when you think about it, with God I am more prone to be bold and a further threat. I will fight. Win or lose I will fight. 

If I lose, I will cry. I will be angry. I will say things I don't mean. I know this. But I will always get back up because that's just the way God made me. If I win, I will rejoice and then look for the next challenge because I get really bored really quickly. It's just the way it works. I know myself well enough to be able to admit that. 

I actually wrote this from my personal journal (edited for the internets of course) and figured it would encourage someone to find their hope. My hope is in God, I know that, but there are things that remind me of that hope. For me, it's looking at maps haha! It sounds silly but when I look at a map of the world, I see my future. I see everything I was meant to do, see and be. I see stories that are waiting to be written and chapters waiting for me to crack open and begin. I see a journey that I have yet to embark on and that moves me. It gives me that feeling in my stomach that usually happens on the ride up a roller coaster and gets me pumped. 

Maps hold a special place in my heart next to playing music. Even when I'm just in the pits, I can look at a map or play a song that will help me carry onward and upward. 

Just know that there is hope out there and it's just waiting for you to find it. :)

Till Next Time...

My Limitless God

Happy Monday!

So here's the thing, I serve a limitless God.

I think I forget that almost every day until things like Kingston happen.

From my last post, you can probably tell that I was a fair bit disheartened.

But I've cried about it (a few times) and now it's time to hold my head up and put my foot to the pedal.

I will not let fear overtake my life nor hinder me from going for something that I am already predestined for. God did not bring me this far to desert me.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

This being said, I have set up a fund. In addition to seeking out governmental funding and scholarships, I have set up a place where my friends and family can help me get to Kingston.

You know how I hate asking for things but I'm setting my pride aside because you don't get anything if you don't ask, right?

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find' knock, and it will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7

"In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." John 16:23-24

I will be posting this everywhere so prepare to be sick of me. Persistence isn't my strong suit but it can and will be. I know I'm not raising money to build orphanages in Indonesia but God shows up for them, I do not doubt He will show up for me.

This is the widget that I've created for the fund:

If you would like the code to the widget, just comment below and I'll give it to you to share. 

If widgets aren't your cup of tea, just share this link: gofundme.com/kingstonfund. 

Super excited to see what God is going to do!

Love you guys and help me get to Kingston!!!

Till Next Time...

Detour...

In every journey, there are stops and starts.

This happens to be my detour...

As many of you know, I am gearing up to leave the country for school. Super crazy and stressful. Did I mention stressful? Especially when things don't quite go as planned. My original plan was to apply for a bunch of scholarships and also apply for a loan for the rest of my expenses (ex. Visa costs, moving costs, flights). However, when I went to apply for the loan, they were about to deny me but asked instead for a co-signer. I never wanted a co-signer. It wasn't just that I didn't want help; I need all the help I can get. It was more to the fact that this was my decision. I never wanted anyone else to have to sacrifice anything for me. I've supported myself through the entirety of my college experience(s) and I wasn't really prepared to have to bring in someone else. 

Never mind the fact that there was no one else to bring in. 

You can imagine my distress. This was the plan. Apply for scholarships. Apply for loans. Go to Kingston. This needed this to work because it was the only plan I could see. My hope began to fail. One of my reservations about college in the first place was finances and now it looked like it was going to be my undoing...

But there is no denying that God has placed this on my life. There is nothing I feel more strongly than me being in England. The draw has been there since I was little and has only grown stronger the more I  have gotten older. 

Someone once said that God uses our circumstances to show Himself off. Someone else said that God is privy to our circumstances; our cries and distresses. He is not ignorant to our situation and I have to keep that in mind for me or else I will go insane. 

It's still taking every ounce of courage and strength to even say "I'm going" rather than "I might go" but I will continue to say that I'm going. 'When' not 'if'. I must remain faith-filled and speak things as they are already. This goes against everything my brain tells me. I've talked about this before about me being a planner. I need to see what's around the corner and I need to plan accordingly. I like to control the situation. But in controlling the situation, I take responsibility for the outcome. Whether that be good or bad, it's on me. 

So, in this current season of doubt and uncertainty, I must hold on to the things I know:

God is faithful.

God sees.

God hears.

Faith is not seeing, it's believing in the Author of Faith. 

Anything that happens does not escape the eye of God. 

God knows my heart and how much this is painful for me. 

If you're reading this, please continue to pray. I'm still trusting in God but my brain keeps seeing Kingston slipping through my fingers and that scares me. I know there are other ways to move to Europe but I've put a lot into this and to see it crumble will be so humiliating...

Anyways, thanks everyone :)

Till Next Time...

The Immensity of Motherhood...

Happy Mother's Day!

On the 15th of August, 1991 in a hospital in New Jersey, I was brought into the world. 

A new journey began. 

My life literally lay before me. 

But what some people don't realise is that another journey began that day as well. 

A journey for my mother.

I was her first child. The beginning of motherhood. 

A journey of sacrifice, tears, laughter, anger, joy, and unadulterated love.

She took motherhood with stride, not knowing what was next, nor what to do with this new life she was now charged with. Yet she bore it asking for nothing in return and sacrificing her own desires for the sake of providing me with a beautiful life. 

Although she remembers a lot of mistakes and what she could have done better, I see it a different way. 

Everything she has done from my conception has made me into the person I am today. Who she is has seeped through and mirrored onto me. 

I am strong-minded because she is strong minded. 

I speak out because she is honest.
I am bold because she is bold

I settle for nothing because she strives for excellence. 

I care because she cares for me. 

I listen because she listens.

I know what I am worth because she tells me every day how much I am worth to her. 

I love because she loves with every portion of herself. 

I live because she chose sacrifice over comfort. 

I am alive because she prays every day for my protection.

My mother is an incredible human being. Although I sometimes forget, I am constantly reminded of the immense strength my mother has. 

In a few months, I will be leaving. Embarking on a new journey across an ocean and once again, with my new journey, another starts with my mother. 

It will be a difficult one for me and for her. We both know it. Yet she remains strong for me. When I begin to doubt myself and my future, she is the one to stamp them out and remind me that there is nothing to be afraid of. Never once has she fed into my doubts even though she knows that she could persuade me to stay. 

My mother is a beaming symbol of motherhood: strength, prayer, sacrifice and, most importantly, love.

I hope this mother's day, you reflect on the immensity of motherhood and what your own mother has done. 

I know I will. :)

Till Next Time... 

Cross the Threshold...

Adulthood.

Land of full-time jobs, benefits, vacation time and 401ks.

Housed within a fortress of mile high, steel walls. 

Guarded by employers fending off the inexperiences.

Meanwhile, those with connections inside, are flown in via helicopter or smuggled in through the holes in the wall. 

That may be an exaggeration but that's exactly what it feels like. I know many people who are in my situation, who desire consistency and an ample salary to do the things we all need to do. 

I have grown weary of the retail world and I want to regain the humanity years of retail has stolen from me. I want to wake up and not dread my job. I want to be happy and work and make a living. Is that too much to ask? 

Apparently so...

In May, school will send me information and before long I will be flying away to Europe, passport and visa in hand. With it fast approaching, I have begun to really really think about what I want from my life. 

I want to be happy and to quit wasting my time with things I don't even care about. I want to write. I want to love my job. I want to make a difference. I want to help people. I am sick and tired of feeling trapped by my work experience. 

I want someone to see my potential and drive. I want to be respected. I want to be taught. I want to be loved. I want to prove to people that I am not what I seem. I want to cross the threshold into the unknown and pave the way for others to follow suit. 

I am bold. 

I am impassioned. 

I am driven.

I am me. 

I am capable of doing anything.

I just have to find a way to make people see it. I must make them have no other choice but to see it.