And then the unimaginable happens.
Not the good kind of unimaginable but the kind that makes you sit in silence a moment to try and make sense of something that is clear and tangible in your hands.
Let me just paint the picture here. I received this email on my Blackberry. Like all Berklee emails that have entered my phone since February, I jumped right to opening it. Little did I know...actually, I'm going to copy and paste what I'm talking about from the email I received on Friday because I can't quite paraphrase it well enough:
Dear Steven:
Thank you for submitting your application for admission to Berklee College of Music. After a careful review and evaluation of your application by our Board of Admissions, we regret to inform you that you have not been admitted to Berklee for the September 2011, fall semester.
Thank you for submitting your application for admission to Berklee College of Music. After a careful review and evaluation of your application by our Board of Admissions, we regret to inform you that you have not been admitted to Berklee for the September 2011, fall semester.
This year's highly competitive application pool, coupled with the limited number of seats available in our entering class, has resulted in many applicants being denied admission, despite their potential to succeed. The Board of Admissions is unable to consider an appeal of this decision.
Should you continue to have an interest in attending Berklee, you are welcome to reapply for the September 2012 semester or beyond.
We wish you every success in your future musical endeavors.
Sincerely,
Damien S. Bracken
Dean of Admissions
Should you continue to have an interest in attending Berklee, you are welcome to reapply for the September 2012 semester or beyond.
We wish you every success in your future musical endeavors.
Sincerely,
Damien S. Bracken
Dean of Admissions
To say that I was stunned is an understatement.
To say that my heart sank to the very pit of my stomach is an understatement.
But I kept my composure and literally looked up and said "God, what are You doing here? I don't understand."
And I really don't. God created a way, He guided me through the steps to take. There was no halting or hesitation in my heart or in my spirit. I genuinely had hope that God would answer my prayer and send me to the school that I had been dying to go to.
The past two days I have walked on eggshells, dreading when someone would ask about it. And when the time came that someone did, I didn't even have the courage to say they rejected me the day before.
Even typing those words makes me sick.
I mean, I'm not angry. I'm mostly confused and ashamed and it's bringing out all of my feelings of inadequacy that I knew I had but not to this extent.
To be rejected from one school is one thing.
To be rejected from the very same school a year later is a completely different thing.
....I don't even really know what to do. I have no idea what God is doing. I don't know where He wants me. I don't know why He took me through all that to bring me back to the same place I was last year.
I told my parents what happened and my dad told me that I should try again and keep trying till I get in. Sure, that sounds like the beginning of a triumphant story but I don't think my heart can take many more beatings.
It's bad enough to be rejected but I'm going to have to rehash this to everyone that hasn't read this blog. To say that I'm not looking forward to it is a gross understatement.
If you are reading this, I'm going to ask that you continue to pray for me. I'm in a very...awkward place with God. I've really never been more confused in my life. I've been replaying the last month looking for a place that I screwed up. Something I could have done better to avoid this. I know it's not going to do me any good but I have to know why...
Anyways, sorry if that was depressing but I just thought that I owed this blog entry to everyone who was fervently praying for me and continue to. Thank you again by the way :)
Till Next Time...
"how can i get away from Your Spirit? where can i go to escape from You? if i go up to the heavens, You are there. if i lie down in the deepest parts of the earth, You are also there. suppose i were to rise with the sun in the east and then cross over to the west where it sinks into the ocean. Your hand would always be there to guide me. Your right hand would still be holding me close." (ps.139:7-10)
ReplyDeleteSteven,
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts for you, because I know you are genuinely heartbroken over this news. I'm sorry to hear that you received the answer that you didn't want to hear. That doesn't change God's plans for you; it just means Berklee isn't in his plans for you this year. Remember how we talked about the 100% difference in you from last year to this year? God used that time to make a change in you! Don't underestimate the positives and all the ways God is growing you through this experience. I am so proud of you for trying, and trying again! And if you try next year, I will be proud of you again!! I absolutely love your determination - win or lose. You are very talented, and you have a sweet joy for God that just brings a smile to my face. He's in control. And, He's got this.
I'm so sorry Steven...and yet, I know that it has nothing to do with your ability or your talent that kept you from Berklee. It's the Lord's doing...He leads and there is nothing that happens that He doesn't know about. So rest in that...His ways aren't our ways...it doesn't mean He's a bully it just means He sees in full when we only see in part.
ReplyDeleteI know you already know this but I pray it brings comfort to you...this isn't the time where God is drawing away from you but this is the time when He's coming closer to you even more! Continue to expose your heart to Him even when it hurts & seek Him...He'll show you, He delights in You and He has you and your future!