I Have Decided...

Hey everyone

I'm sure this post won't come as a surprise to some but I feel like I still should address it in an effort to avoid retelling this over and over and over again. (Although I'm sure I'm going to rehash this for forseeable future...)
I'm going to touch on a few things in this post and it may be a bit long but bear with me!

I've been posting on this blog a lot about my dreams and aspirations; mostly for my own personal sanity but also to help inspire other people to dream bigger. There's one thing that I want to be in this world and that's an inspiration. 

Incredibly, I've gotten story after story from people who have read my blog and caused them to look at the world as an option. This blows me away and I'm honoured that people are reading my words and  are being inspired. I love that some people are seeing that America, while great in its own way and full of opportunity, is not everything. There is a whole world to explore and experience, you just have to refuse to sell yourself short, take the first step and leap. 

However, there is a flipside to everything. There is the success story, the one they write about in books,  and then there is the short end of the stick. I seem to be the poster child for the latter; being the example for the reality of pursuing dreams and aspirations.

With that being said, due to extreme financial difficulty and roadblocks, I will neither be moving to England nor attending Kingston University in the fall. 

Although I've been preparing my heart for this kind of outcome, there aren't many words to describe how completely gutted I am about all this. It's one thing to have never been accepted to university, it's a completely separate matter entirely being accepted to university and being unable to attend. It's no secret that I have an immense desire to attend university and pursue further education so this blow is a very painful one. I'm not closing the door for God to do something ridiculously insane but the current situation is pretty bleak and hurts like a motherfather.

Despite this outcome, I am looking to the positives. This opens my future to something completely different. Like I was telling someone the other day, I can always move to England, it's just a matter of when. I'm young. I have my whole life ahead of me to grow. This is only a minor setback. I said it before I opened what would be my acceptance email, even if this doesn't happen, moving to Europe is still on the table. I'm not giving up; just exploring another avenue. 

Now becomes the question: what next?? I'll be in America a bit longer so I guess I will have to make the best of it. ;)

I'm not sure what the next step looks like but rest assured that I won't be kept down by this setback. Life is too short to wallow in what has passed (or will pass), so I will be considering other options for the fall. 

As for school, I don't really know what that looks like now. I'm not sure if this is God's way of telling me to get an education here in America or not but if He wants me to go to school, He will have to point me in the right direction. I'm at my wits end with this whole thing. The pursuit of higher education should never be this difficult, in my opinion. My only issue is my utter distaste for the American school system. If God wants me to go to school here in America, I'm hoping patience will be attached to the package...next to a big, fat check...I'm kidding!

Okay, okay I was kidding a little...but you laughed, I know you did.

I will still continue to write (of course), I'll still be working on my style blog and providing excellent life commentary on Twitter & Instagram. Rest assured, I'm not going to let this get me down. :) 

Anyway, thank you guys for supporting me and cheering me on. It is greatly appreciated and I love you for it. I hope you continue to be in my corner in the future and follow along with me. In two weeks I'll be 22 and I'm actually looking forward to seeing what is next for me. Sure I won't be making Europe arrangements but that's still cool...yeah...:ahem:....lol 

To those who didn't want me to leave in the first place, you get to keep me for a while! 

You're welcome. ;) 

Till Next Time...

Literary Forum

Ahhhh! This is kind of nerve wracking but I'm going to do it anyway. 

Not a lot of people know this but I've been working on several works of fiction over the past 7 or 8 years. I actually finished several books but have since gone back and developed the story further in a more mature way. (I started it when I was about 13)

These stories haven't seen the light of day mostly because these stories are written for me. I write these characters because I love them and because it makes me happy and I don't have to worry about an audience judging it based on a criteria. 

However, as a writer, I should try and put myself out there. I'm not trying to get a book deal or anything like that but I do want to become a better writer and making myself a bit vulnerable is a way to get that done. 

With that being said, I've created a Patreon page. It's for content creators and I'll be posting chapters or specific scenes on there! 

Alternatively, I have created Literary Forum, a place where I can post my work in blog format. I hope to create connections with other writers where they can guest post and show their work. This is an effort to create conversation and give constructive feedback on different kinds of literary works. 

I'm really excited! I've never done something like this before but it's going to be brilliant. :) 

Till Next Time...

A Little Bit Wiser...

I'm a big fan of how this week started. 

Compared to how I've been feeling the past couple of weeks, I'm in a good place. Yesterday (Sunday) I got to have some really good conversations and really was able to get a different prospective on my situation and my future. 

At my church, when I'm not playing in the band, I volunteer with the check-in station for the kids department. It's something I've done for a long time and I can honestly say that I love it. I took some time away from it (much needed time) but, now that I'm back, I'm seeing why I loved it in the first place. 

Anyway, whilst the service is going on there isn't much traffic in the lobby however there is a need for someone to stand guard. It could vary between 1-3 people but it's in those times that you get to know the people you're serving alongside in a way you wouldn't during the "rush hour". During the second service, I was able to have a wonderful conversation with one of the guys who serves with the security team but also assists with the technical side of check-in (he also happens to be married to the director). I honestly can't remember the last time I had such a great conversation. Being able to talk about things like work ethic, personality, music, ambition and countless other things was so refreshing to me who absolutely loathes the small talk...

One of the significant points in the conversation for me was when I was talking about my own situation and how I feel impatient with how things are progressing with my life/career. I can see my own potential but my potential isn't recognised or appreciated, I get self-aware and conscious of my work. 

"Am I doing something wrong?" 

"Am I not good enough?" 

"Am I asking for too much?"  

One thing he said was (I'm paraphrasing) that yes it's good to see your own potential but this time doing proverbial "grunt work" is actual preparation for elevation. As cliche as that sounds. People who elevate too quickly usually find themselves overwhelmed and unable to function properly. Much like getting the bends when coming up from deep water too quickly. 

It really spoke volumes to me and brought a whole new prospective on what is going on. I shouldn't doubt myself just because I'm not being elevated but I should perfect my work until the time comes when I'm recognised for my work and given an opportunity. That way, I won't get the "work bends" and won't find myself in a corner, rocking myself, drinking whiskey from a bottle because I'm so stressed out

Later that day, I was able to have a seriously real and honest conversation with my best friend. She's one of the people that gives it to me straight and doesn't tell me what I want to hear which is what I desperately needed. I truly don't think she realises how much she helps me by being honest about what she's seeing in the situation. Our conversation allowed me to step back get a wider view of what is going on and be realistic without losing my dream. It also made me optimistic about the future and what my next step is. 

With that being said, I created a list. Something to reference to when I start to lose focus. This list is divided into 3 sections: 

What do I want for my life? 

What do I love(am passionate about)? 

& How can I reconcile these things together?

From this list (which is more detailed in my journal), I've determined that I want to be doing something involving travelling, writing and music. These are the things I'm passionate about. I believe this is general enough to be flexible yet narrow enough to give me focus. I also said I want an education. I am passionate about learning and the fact that getting to university has been such a struggle frustrates me. However, I am willing to fight for my own further education.

I can already see this finally making me grow up some more and make some adult decisions about my life that I've been afraid to do. I don't think my brain has quite realised that I am an adult and I need to make decisions that no one else is going to make for me. Well I am a little bit wiser thanks to my friends and I'm ready to figure this thing out no matter how long it takes.

:) 

Till Next Time...

Finding Hope...

God is an interesting fellow...

Recently, I set out to do something I never really thought I could. This thing would have put me in a very different place than I'm at right now. A pretty good place, I thought, but a very different place.

Without going into tons of detail, it didn't work out so now I'm back at this place in my life that I've been kept in for a quite a while now. This place of uncertainty, doubt and feeling stagnant. 

I feel like I've been trapped in a bubble. Nay. A forcefield; the world around me keeps spinning along but I remain stationary. I can't effect anything or change anything and, anytime I try to move, I'm snapped right back. It's frustration, putting it lightly.

In my mind, I know this means that God is moving...actually, I don't know He's moving but I have to believe He's moving. I have to have hope that He is ordering steps in the direction He wants me to go. I have to trust that or else I will go insane. 

However, I am trying to prepare my heart for hurt because if things continue as they are, I will be hurt. A lot. I know there is a chance for things to turn out just fine but I don't see it. I can't see it. All I can do is wait and see what happens. And it's easy to say the Christian things but, let's be real, I'm kind of past the Christian things. The words that Christians say to other but really they're thinking something completely different. So I'm just going to say it how it is. (The PG version)

This sucks.

I know the Christian walk isn't rainbows and daisies but I'd like to at least frolic on a rolling hill or something every now and again. I mean come on.

While we're on the honesty train, I'm at a place in my life where I don't feel God. I feel like I'm in a white room with no doors or windows. Sterile, cold and clinical. When I pray, I feel like it's echoing in an empty hall or bouncing around the room. And the more desperate my prayers become, the less I feel like they're being heard. In my brain, I feel like there should be a formula but there isn't. I don't know what to do and it feels like God has put me on hold indefinitely.

Needless to say, it's really really hard to have faith in this time of my life. But I have to have faith. It goes back to the "I need to believe or I'm going to freak out" thing. No matter how bleak things are, I seem to still find that glimmer of hope. That little flame on the burner that refuses to go out. It's kind of my nature. 

I'm a Leo. I'm not a mystic but I know what things to take into my life and what to leave and I accept the fact that I am a Leo. A lion. Stubborn but fierce. Not to be trifled with and, when you think about it, with God I am more prone to be bold and a further threat. I will fight. Win or lose I will fight. 

If I lose, I will cry. I will be angry. I will say things I don't mean. I know this. But I will always get back up because that's just the way God made me. If I win, I will rejoice and then look for the next challenge because I get really bored really quickly. It's just the way it works. I know myself well enough to be able to admit that. 

I actually wrote this from my personal journal (edited for the internets of course) and figured it would encourage someone to find their hope. My hope is in God, I know that, but there are things that remind me of that hope. For me, it's looking at maps haha! It sounds silly but when I look at a map of the world, I see my future. I see everything I was meant to do, see and be. I see stories that are waiting to be written and chapters waiting for me to crack open and begin. I see a journey that I have yet to embark on and that moves me. It gives me that feeling in my stomach that usually happens on the ride up a roller coaster and gets me pumped. 

Maps hold a special place in my heart next to playing music. Even when I'm just in the pits, I can look at a map or play a song that will help me carry onward and upward. 

Just know that there is hope out there and it's just waiting for you to find it. :)

Till Next Time...

My Limitless God

Happy Monday!

So here's the thing, I serve a limitless God.

I think I forget that almost every day until things like Kingston happen.

From my last post, you can probably tell that I was a fair bit disheartened.

But I've cried about it (a few times) and now it's time to hold my head up and put my foot to the pedal.

I will not let fear overtake my life nor hinder me from going for something that I am already predestined for. God did not bring me this far to desert me.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

This being said, I have set up a fund. In addition to seeking out governmental funding and scholarships, I have set up a place where my friends and family can help me get to Kingston.

You know how I hate asking for things but I'm setting my pride aside because you don't get anything if you don't ask, right?

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find' knock, and it will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7

"In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." John 16:23-24

I will be posting this everywhere so prepare to be sick of me. Persistence isn't my strong suit but it can and will be. I know I'm not raising money to build orphanages in Indonesia but God shows up for them, I do not doubt He will show up for me.

This is the widget that I've created for the fund:

If you would like the code to the widget, just comment below and I'll give it to you to share. 

If widgets aren't your cup of tea, just share this link: gofundme.com/kingstonfund. 

Super excited to see what God is going to do!

Love you guys and help me get to Kingston!!!

Till Next Time...