Happy belated Easter!
This past Sunday at my church, Pastor Jimmy was speaking a sermon called "Beautiful Exchange". Hillsong fans hear that and immediately are drawn to the song by the same name (which we did btw and it was awesome. Just sayin...) anyways! He was laying out for everyone what the Beautiful Exchange really is. It's Jesus giving His life in exchange for our sin and creating this irrefutable pathway straight to God Himself.
And I think it's brilliant.
The whole entire story of Jesus is brilliant. Like it's insane how perfect a storyline it is! As a writer, I think about the entire Bible and I, for lack of a better word, envy how beautiful and perfect it is. The right people in all the right places making small decisions that snowballed and affected entire nations in the future leading to the birth of Christ. And the way He was born making Him the absolute perfect candidate to pay for the sins of humanity past, present and future!
As you can probably tell, my mind explodes.
But that was a bit of a rabbit trail. Let's get back on track to the Beautiful Exchange.
I was thinking about it and as I always do, I held it up making my life a backdrop to this Beautiful Exchange and cue instant humbling. Every brilliant thing in my life turns monochrome to Jesus' sacrifice and conviction sets in because I realize how focused on myself I am and have been. How could I complain about a single thing and think that God has gone silent on me when He has painted this brilliant picture that screams loud and clearly that our lives are meaningful because of Him. That He wouldn't have even bothered to write this novel of eternity if He didn't love and have faith in His characters.
I know I am fully humbled and inspired by this Beautiful Exchange and I hope you are as well! In the meantime, I will enjoy my week off and this splendid weather we've been having in Raleigh! Perfect reading & writing weather!
Or perfect watch-Netflix-outside weather? ;)
Till Next Time...
4.26.2011
4.16.2011
The Aftermath...
BOOM!
That could pretty much describe the past couple of months.
Pretty much everything was running at warp speed and sending my mind into a whirlwind of thoughts and plans and people and work and trips and...madness!
Now? Not so much.
After the news from Berklee and my decision to not pursue Liberty, my life has pretty much plummeted from 21,000 feet to about 10 in reference to my thought process. I described it to my prayer circle on Thursday to the silence in the aftermath of a huge bomb. Which, I believe, is pretty freakin accurate.
At first it was quite peaceful! I could sit in my room and read a book for the first time in weeks and not be fraught with thoughts like, "Oh! I need to send that email!" or "I need to talk to mom and dad about *fill in the blank*" or "How am I going to pay for this?"
It was quite refreshing to say the least and very surprising! In my previous aftermaths, there were 'survivors' and they were rushing around in panic.
This one took out everyone. And the few 'survivors' that were present were injured and too tired to even panic.
Now, that this aftermath has lasted a few weeks, I'm getting unnerved. I usually get an idea or something pops up and gets me back in action.
I mean, I did give up my plans to God and said, in so many words, "Screw it all. Do what You like with me".
But I wasn't expecting my mind to go into sleep mode for so long. Nor did I expect God to not say anything. And further, I never in a million years think that when I thought about the future there would be blankness.
I'm not okay with that.
I'm kind of Type A in many aspects. One of those being that I always have a plan.
This new stage in my life is much like walking through a city with nowhere to go. I feel aimless, saddened, uninspired, unmotivated...stagnant; and I haven't a clue what to do about it. :/
So with that, I leave you with a prayer request. Pray that God would say something...anything so it can get me moving again. Also pray with me as I pray through an option that I'm sort of considering. I'm not feeling a draw, nor a drawback from doing this so I'm a little wary.
Till Next Time...
That could pretty much describe the past couple of months.
Pretty much everything was running at warp speed and sending my mind into a whirlwind of thoughts and plans and people and work and trips and...madness!
Now? Not so much.
After the news from Berklee and my decision to not pursue Liberty, my life has pretty much plummeted from 21,000 feet to about 10 in reference to my thought process. I described it to my prayer circle on Thursday to the silence in the aftermath of a huge bomb. Which, I believe, is pretty freakin accurate.
At first it was quite peaceful! I could sit in my room and read a book for the first time in weeks and not be fraught with thoughts like, "Oh! I need to send that email!" or "I need to talk to mom and dad about *fill in the blank*" or "How am I going to pay for this?"
It was quite refreshing to say the least and very surprising! In my previous aftermaths, there were 'survivors' and they were rushing around in panic.
This one took out everyone. And the few 'survivors' that were present were injured and too tired to even panic.
Now, that this aftermath has lasted a few weeks, I'm getting unnerved. I usually get an idea or something pops up and gets me back in action.
I mean, I did give up my plans to God and said, in so many words, "Screw it all. Do what You like with me".
But I wasn't expecting my mind to go into sleep mode for so long. Nor did I expect God to not say anything. And further, I never in a million years think that when I thought about the future there would be blankness.
I'm not okay with that.
I'm kind of Type A in many aspects. One of those being that I always have a plan.
This new stage in my life is much like walking through a city with nowhere to go. I feel aimless, saddened, uninspired, unmotivated...stagnant; and I haven't a clue what to do about it. :/
So with that, I leave you with a prayer request. Pray that God would say something...anything so it can get me moving again. Also pray with me as I pray through an option that I'm sort of considering. I'm not feeling a draw, nor a drawback from doing this so I'm a little wary.
Till Next Time...
4.06.2011
Slowly Releasing My Deathgrip....
Oh why hello April! I didn't see you there. lol
This morning I'm feeling really grateful and blessed. I've been kind of reflecting on the things God's been doing in my life and it's really incredible. Even with the whole Berklee thing, I can't even make myself feel lethargic about the whole thing. Sure I'll get down every once in a while but God always manages to send something or someone to make me smile.
Which is annoying because in those moments, all I want to do is hate the world and here He comes trying to make me laugh and winning every time.
It's annoying yet reinforcing my conclusion that God and I are still on this, for lack of a better word, friendship road. :)
Recently I read this wonderful blog post and in the post, she was talking about a struggle that she had with something that she refused to give up to God because I'm sure she never would have thought that something that precious could have turned into a sin. But after I had finished, I immediately knew what I've been doing. I didn't even have to ask God.
I had refused to give up my visions for university.
It was right in front of my face all this time and I had pushed it aside saying "No. God placed this desire in me. It's right".
But I could have never been so wrong in my life.
Sure God placed the desire in me since I was a child but I have since had a death grip on the idea and not surrendering it to God.
Now that I know, I am responsible to give it to God. Which I have. And continue to do each time the embers are stoked in my heart.
I can't begin to tell you how painful it is to let go of something you've held on to for 10 years. But God never gives you something you can't bear. And He never gives you something that you are unable to surrender to Him.
I hope that encouraged someone today! I know it encourages me each time I talk about it or think about it because I know God's plan is so much bigger than mine. My silly notions of campus living, dorms, classes, coffeeshop study sessions, weekends in Cape Cod, day trips to Vermont, Friday nights in New York and concerts are so incredible small compared to what God sees in me. Those things are wonderful but my destiny is so much better than that. :)
I think I remember posting a blog talking about how I feel like God is transitioning me into a new season. I think that season is now. Not necessarily a change of location but a change of thought and desire and a renewed passion! I could go on and on but I'm going to stop for now. Going to practice for tonight! Playing at a Men's Worship Night at the Worship Center which happens to be the same place Journey recorded 'God Be Praised'! I knew I would play on that stage one day ;)
Till Next Time...
This morning I'm feeling really grateful and blessed. I've been kind of reflecting on the things God's been doing in my life and it's really incredible. Even with the whole Berklee thing, I can't even make myself feel lethargic about the whole thing. Sure I'll get down every once in a while but God always manages to send something or someone to make me smile.
Which is annoying because in those moments, all I want to do is hate the world and here He comes trying to make me laugh and winning every time.
It's annoying yet reinforcing my conclusion that God and I are still on this, for lack of a better word, friendship road. :)
Recently I read this wonderful blog post and in the post, she was talking about a struggle that she had with something that she refused to give up to God because I'm sure she never would have thought that something that precious could have turned into a sin. But after I had finished, I immediately knew what I've been doing. I didn't even have to ask God.
I had refused to give up my visions for university.
It was right in front of my face all this time and I had pushed it aside saying "No. God placed this desire in me. It's right".
But I could have never been so wrong in my life.
Sure God placed the desire in me since I was a child but I have since had a death grip on the idea and not surrendering it to God.
Now that I know, I am responsible to give it to God. Which I have. And continue to do each time the embers are stoked in my heart.
I can't begin to tell you how painful it is to let go of something you've held on to for 10 years. But God never gives you something you can't bear. And He never gives you something that you are unable to surrender to Him.
I hope that encouraged someone today! I know it encourages me each time I talk about it or think about it because I know God's plan is so much bigger than mine. My silly notions of campus living, dorms, classes, coffeeshop study sessions, weekends in Cape Cod, day trips to Vermont, Friday nights in New York and concerts are so incredible small compared to what God sees in me. Those things are wonderful but my destiny is so much better than that. :)
I think I remember posting a blog talking about how I feel like God is transitioning me into a new season. I think that season is now. Not necessarily a change of location but a change of thought and desire and a renewed passion! I could go on and on but I'm going to stop for now. Going to practice for tonight! Playing at a Men's Worship Night at the Worship Center which happens to be the same place Journey recorded 'God Be Praised'! I knew I would play on that stage one day ;)
Till Next Time...
3.29.2011
The Lamp on the Foggy Path
...I really don't know how to open this so I'm just going to jump to the story, which isn't a story at all by the way, that got me thinking...which is sometimes a good thing ;)
This literally happened this morning...or yesterday morning. Either way, it was dark and morning time and early and I was just in a mood. Anyways, so I normal walk to work since my job is like right by my house and this morning (or yesterday) I was on my way to an early morning shift. As I was walking, I was reflecting on my rather awkward relationship with God as of recent. The past few weeks I had been using my walk to work as time to chat with God and talk out some things. But this particular morning (which ever morning it was) I felt the urge to talk to Him...and I just couldn't. There was just something there and I was so afraid to be the first to break the silence. I related it to an instance between two friends. They were getting really close; talking to each other on a regular basis, sharing time, secrets, jokes. Then something happens. They both know what happened but one can't seem to confront the other with what is bothering him
Now I know that the relationship between God and His children is way more than friendship but something way deeper. But when you're still getting to know God, like really trying to work towards a deep relationship, you have to start somewhere! It begins with the surface things, builds trust and then grows into something more.
And I have been always wondering where I stood in regard to me and God and in that moment of walking to work, it was revealed where I was. I was finally on my way to a relationship! I know it sounds silly but in that moment I smiled and was just glad that in the midst of all this confusion and questions, light was shed on my position with God.
Then I began to see how was working in me. At Passion, God helped me dig through the crap in my life and reach my foundation. He revealed that I was building my life on something other than Him and is helping me build back up through this rather simple task of getting to know Him. For the first time since giving my life to Christ, I have been able to understand what it means to have relationship. That we don't start out by having this deep and personal relationship, we work towards it! It's literally blowing my mind haha
As for what I will do about school, I have not decided whether to pursue Berklee again. However I know that God has given me a passion for music and that He will use me through music. I just need to continue to trust God no matter what. Even when I don't understand.
Especially when I don't understand.
I just need to 'pick a lane', as Pastor Jimmy had said :)
Just continue to pray as I enter this rather foggy part of my journey. I have faith that things will work together for this little unfinished clay pot ;)
Till Next Time...
This literally happened this morning...or yesterday morning. Either way, it was dark and morning time and early and I was just in a mood. Anyways, so I normal walk to work since my job is like right by my house and this morning (or yesterday) I was on my way to an early morning shift. As I was walking, I was reflecting on my rather awkward relationship with God as of recent. The past few weeks I had been using my walk to work as time to chat with God and talk out some things. But this particular morning (which ever morning it was) I felt the urge to talk to Him...and I just couldn't. There was just something there and I was so afraid to be the first to break the silence. I related it to an instance between two friends. They were getting really close; talking to each other on a regular basis, sharing time, secrets, jokes. Then something happens. They both know what happened but one can't seem to confront the other with what is bothering him
Now I know that the relationship between God and His children is way more than friendship but something way deeper. But when you're still getting to know God, like really trying to work towards a deep relationship, you have to start somewhere! It begins with the surface things, builds trust and then grows into something more.
And I have been always wondering where I stood in regard to me and God and in that moment of walking to work, it was revealed where I was. I was finally on my way to a relationship! I know it sounds silly but in that moment I smiled and was just glad that in the midst of all this confusion and questions, light was shed on my position with God.
Then I began to see how was working in me. At Passion, God helped me dig through the crap in my life and reach my foundation. He revealed that I was building my life on something other than Him and is helping me build back up through this rather simple task of getting to know Him. For the first time since giving my life to Christ, I have been able to understand what it means to have relationship. That we don't start out by having this deep and personal relationship, we work towards it! It's literally blowing my mind haha
As for what I will do about school, I have not decided whether to pursue Berklee again. However I know that God has given me a passion for music and that He will use me through music. I just need to continue to trust God no matter what. Even when I don't understand.
Especially when I don't understand.
I just need to 'pick a lane', as Pastor Jimmy had said :)
Just continue to pray as I enter this rather foggy part of my journey. I have faith that things will work together for this little unfinished clay pot ;)
Till Next Time...
3.27.2011
Well...here it goes...
....There are clear cut moments, as a believer, when you go for something that you really want. Stepping out in faith and really shooting in the dark at something that you are completely trusting God in.
And then the unimaginable happens.
Not the good kind of unimaginable but the kind that makes you sit in silence a moment to try and make sense of something that is clear and tangible in your hands.
Let me just paint the picture here. I received this email on my Blackberry. Like all Berklee emails that have entered my phone since February, I jumped right to opening it. Little did I know...actually, I'm going to copy and paste what I'm talking about from the email I received on Friday because I can't quite paraphrase it well enough:
To say that I was stunned is an understatement.
To say that my heart sank to the very pit of my stomach is an understatement.
But I kept my composure and literally looked up and said "God, what are You doing here? I don't understand."
And I really don't. God created a way, He guided me through the steps to take. There was no halting or hesitation in my heart or in my spirit. I genuinely had hope that God would answer my prayer and send me to the school that I had been dying to go to.
The past two days I have walked on eggshells, dreading when someone would ask about it. And when the time came that someone did, I didn't even have the courage to say they rejected me the day before.
Even typing those words makes me sick.
I mean, I'm not angry. I'm mostly confused and ashamed and it's bringing out all of my feelings of inadequacy that I knew I had but not to this extent.
To be rejected from one school is one thing.
To be rejected from the very same school a year later is a completely different thing.
....I don't even really know what to do. I have no idea what God is doing. I don't know where He wants me. I don't know why He took me through all that to bring me back to the same place I was last year.
I told my parents what happened and my dad told me that I should try again and keep trying till I get in. Sure, that sounds like the beginning of a triumphant story but I don't think my heart can take many more beatings.
It's bad enough to be rejected but I'm going to have to rehash this to everyone that hasn't read this blog. To say that I'm not looking forward to it is a gross understatement.
If you are reading this, I'm going to ask that you continue to pray for me. I'm in a very...awkward place with God. I've really never been more confused in my life. I've been replaying the last month looking for a place that I screwed up. Something I could have done better to avoid this. I know it's not going to do me any good but I have to know why...
Anyways, sorry if that was depressing but I just thought that I owed this blog entry to everyone who was fervently praying for me and continue to. Thank you again by the way :)
Till Next Time...
And then the unimaginable happens.
Not the good kind of unimaginable but the kind that makes you sit in silence a moment to try and make sense of something that is clear and tangible in your hands.
Let me just paint the picture here. I received this email on my Blackberry. Like all Berklee emails that have entered my phone since February, I jumped right to opening it. Little did I know...actually, I'm going to copy and paste what I'm talking about from the email I received on Friday because I can't quite paraphrase it well enough:
Dear Steven:
Thank you for submitting your application for admission to Berklee College of Music. After a careful review and evaluation of your application by our Board of Admissions, we regret to inform you that you have not been admitted to Berklee for the September 2011, fall semester.
Thank you for submitting your application for admission to Berklee College of Music. After a careful review and evaluation of your application by our Board of Admissions, we regret to inform you that you have not been admitted to Berklee for the September 2011, fall semester.
This year's highly competitive application pool, coupled with the limited number of seats available in our entering class, has resulted in many applicants being denied admission, despite their potential to succeed. The Board of Admissions is unable to consider an appeal of this decision.
Should you continue to have an interest in attending Berklee, you are welcome to reapply for the September 2012 semester or beyond.
We wish you every success in your future musical endeavors.
Sincerely,
Damien S. Bracken
Dean of Admissions
Should you continue to have an interest in attending Berklee, you are welcome to reapply for the September 2012 semester or beyond.
We wish you every success in your future musical endeavors.
Sincerely,
Damien S. Bracken
Dean of Admissions
To say that I was stunned is an understatement.
To say that my heart sank to the very pit of my stomach is an understatement.
But I kept my composure and literally looked up and said "God, what are You doing here? I don't understand."
And I really don't. God created a way, He guided me through the steps to take. There was no halting or hesitation in my heart or in my spirit. I genuinely had hope that God would answer my prayer and send me to the school that I had been dying to go to.
The past two days I have walked on eggshells, dreading when someone would ask about it. And when the time came that someone did, I didn't even have the courage to say they rejected me the day before.
Even typing those words makes me sick.
I mean, I'm not angry. I'm mostly confused and ashamed and it's bringing out all of my feelings of inadequacy that I knew I had but not to this extent.
To be rejected from one school is one thing.
To be rejected from the very same school a year later is a completely different thing.
....I don't even really know what to do. I have no idea what God is doing. I don't know where He wants me. I don't know why He took me through all that to bring me back to the same place I was last year.
I told my parents what happened and my dad told me that I should try again and keep trying till I get in. Sure, that sounds like the beginning of a triumphant story but I don't think my heart can take many more beatings.
It's bad enough to be rejected but I'm going to have to rehash this to everyone that hasn't read this blog. To say that I'm not looking forward to it is a gross understatement.
If you are reading this, I'm going to ask that you continue to pray for me. I'm in a very...awkward place with God. I've really never been more confused in my life. I've been replaying the last month looking for a place that I screwed up. Something I could have done better to avoid this. I know it's not going to do me any good but I have to know why...
Anyways, sorry if that was depressing but I just thought that I owed this blog entry to everyone who was fervently praying for me and continue to. Thank you again by the way :)
Till Next Time...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)