Let's Try This Once More

Welcome back to the quietest blog on the interwebs. 

I could go on and on as to why The Sculptor's Shop has been 'out of business' for a while but it's no matter. I'm back and ready to bombard you with my thoughts and opinions. 

It's actually quite weird being back here. Almost like walking back into an old house that you've forgotten about until recently (because obviously I have several houses). 

This place is going to be different. It's going to be my place of zen. 

I can't exactly tell you what I have planned (because I vaguely know myself) but it may or may not involve a name/format change. 

I'm stoked! 

This is me being stoked. :)

xSteven 

So This Happened...

As some of you have probably noticed, I've taken a bit of a hiatus away from blogging both here and on ConStruct (which is bad, I know). While this was unconsciously done, there was a reason for the step back from writing. 

The truth of the matter is that I knew that if I started writing about what was going on then it would be real. Any time that I write it's a personal thing. I write about what I know. It's how it should be. However, this is the first time I've opted to not talk about this because there was so much uncertainty looming over my head and the heads of my family. 

I'm going to stop prefacing and just write now. 

On the 26th of August, I received a call from my dad letting me know that he had taken my mother to the hospital. While I knew she had previously been feeling poorly, I knew it must have gotten very serious for my mother to even agree to be taken to the hospital. 

She's a feisty lady who doesn't let people just take her places. 

Anyway, this was the point where I realised how private I really am in those kinds of situations. I don't really know how to react. I know it's silly but I kept thinking of reactions I had seen in movies or shows and they all look so cheesy and dumb. So I didn't do anything. I only told a few people what had happened and didn't talk about it unless I was asked. Even still, when someone would ask, I would be very brief. Meanwhile, I was having an internal conniption.

Mom was at Duke Raleigh for approximately a week and then she was discharged and allowed to come home. 

A week later, the 9th of September, I received another call at work from my dad telling me my mother had been rushed to the emergency room. She had been having trouble breathing and was taken straight to ICU at Duke. 

I did not take this very well and left work almost immediately to head to the hospital. 

I can't really pinpoint my actual emotions in words but the closest one is 'panic' and 'fear'. I've always seen my mother as a very strong figure in my life. She's been solid, unwavering (almost to the point of stubborn...) and...good. So to get word that she had been taken to the hospital not once, but twice, had hit me in a very bad way. I still get that painful, sinking feeling I felt when I received that call at random moments during the day. 

It was around that time that I realised I have a fear of losing my parents and for more than a few moments I was certain that fear was going to come true for one of my parents. That's not a feeling I would wish on anyone. 

After she was admitted, I didn't get to see my mom for another two weeks. They had kept her in ICU for a week and then transferred her all the way to Durham to see a specialist at Duke to plan a treatment for her condition. 

Back home, those two weeks were torture. Now that I think back, I don't think it was the fact that I didn't get to see my mother but that I couldn't see her. I would either be at work or she would have a bad day and wasn't able to have visitors. It was a very frustrating time. 

Then there was the guilt of going about my day while she was in hospital. Things like going for coffee or dinner or to the movies became utterly trivial because she was lying in a hospital bed fighting to get well. Granted, my mother was adamant about me getting back into the swing of things and I did my best. 

Now that she's back home and well on the way to recovering, I am able to sort through my thoughts and (finally) be able write again. 

Through all of this, I've understood a lot about myself. I've also begun to really see and appreciate my dad. Most of my life, I've kind of eclipsed my dad with my mom but with her being in hospital, I was really able to see who my dad is. He has been the rock of this family and continues to be. My dad, in addition to maintaining his job at the church, would drive back and forth from the hospital every. day. Even when she was transferred to Durham, he would drive back and forth every day and was constantly mindful of my brother and me. He always made sure we were taken care of and was a light of positivity in the midst of all this uncertainty. Dad even would filter through what he would tell us simply because he knew the wording would possibly scare us. While that goes against my 'truth over everything' war cry, I appreciate that and I don't fault him for anything. 

I said this once before to someone else but, in a weird way, my family needed this to happen. If anything, I feel more connected to my family as ever. Additionally, I've seen why I wasn't sent to Kingston. Even if everything would have worked out, I would still be here in Raleigh. I would have never gotten on that plane knowing that my mother was ill. Never. That, in a strange way, provides me some comfort knowing that it wasn't ever going to work out in any scenario. 

Through all of this, I've seen how much my friends love me. 

Especially Becca and Morgan. 

They have been my support system through all of this even if it meant kidnapping me for the day to distract me from everything that was going on. I honestly don't know what I would have done without them around. :)

And of course I'm grateful for my friend Patience who has also been a support system helping me sort through the medical mumbo jumbo into real life English. She's the best sis ever. :)

I've also seen how much people love my family. Although I opted not to talk about the situation, my dad was very forthcoming and the outpouring from his church was immense and overwhelming. Those people did things for us that I never would have expected anyone to do. They made sure we were taken care of and that we knew we were loved. There were many times I would chat with my dad and we'd just be in awe at what the church was doing for us. Everything was unexpected and greatly appreciated. I don't think there are any adequate words to express my gratitude for these people whom I have never met or only knew in passing or through a quick encounter.

So there it is. That's what has been happening. I'm still adjusting to how we now live our lives as a family with mom's new 'friend' but it's getting better and will continue to get better. :)

Till Next Time...

Driftwood Syndrome...

Last week was the first week for university students. 

This week it's the first day for elementary, middle, and high school students. 

Basically, this means that almost everyone I know is now involved in school. 

Then there's me. 

I feel like I've talked about this before but I feel like my life is a cycle. No matter how hard I try to break the cycle, it keeps rolling back around. To say it's annoying is a grand understatement. It's hard to look forward when the past seems to repeat itself over and over again. 

I don't understand. 

I've said it before and I will say it again, I want to be in school. I feel like the reason I don't feel motivated to do anything else is because I feel inadequate and unprepared. Learning, for me, is the best way to feel prepared for things in life. I want to be a writer but I know that education affords me the ability to learn new skills that will help me be a better writer. It's just frustrating because it's the door I haven't been able to open. 

Speaking of school, I've had to rehash the Kingston thing nearly every single day in the month of August. Although I've come to terms, it's still very painful and the more people ask what I'm going to do next, the more uncertain about the future I feel. I've lost my focal point and now I feel like I'm drifting about. As a result, my writing has suffered and my overall motivation for getting up in the morning has taken a huge blow. 

Also, let's not even begin to talk about my spiritual life. It's hard to talk about. I went to my college group on Wednesday and the topic was faith and the further we went into conversation, the more I didn't want to talk about it any more. The final blow was the question, "When was the last time you acted in faith and what was the result?" I seriously wanted to run out of the room and walk home. My spiritual life seems to be the major casualty out of this whole thing. I felt abandoned by God. Like literally abandoned. I thought he wanted something for me, I went for it, and he didn't show up. It's hard to just bounce back from that. I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to see him, or hear about how much he loves me when I know how I felt when I thought we were on the same page and he didn't do anything to help me. I was completely alone in this and I wish I could say this was the first time. 

Phew! Okay. I'm done talking about that portion of my life. I need to find a new focal point. That's what's going to put me back in the swing and get me motivated. This driftwood syndrome is not my cuppa. 

(British reference. I told you I would be insufferable. It begins.)

Till Next Time...

Another [Year], Another Destiny...

Yes. Another Les Miserables reference. Deal with it. ;)

Okay! Wow. Where do I even start with this?! 

21 has been such an incredible year for me. I looked back at the post I did last year in which I was wide-eyed and innocent looking into this new realm of adulthood. I had plans and was determined to make them happen. 

Let's review shall we? I think it will help get us on the right track. 

Around this time last year, I had the idea for ConStruct. Now ConStruct is a reality, has grown and will continue to grow with hard work. It also has provided me the fuel I never knew I needed to pursue a career I never thought I would be able to foray into. It's still an uphill battle to get some notoriety but it's a journey. It's all a journey. 

Shortly after starting ConStruct, I made the brave decision to pursue university in the UK. Having healed from prior failed launches towards higher education, I was renewed with a sense of hope from my best friend who still continues to inspire me to desire to be better. She told me to "just do it"; I applied it to studying at Kingston and I've applied it further to other things in my life. 

A few months after that, I got an offer from Kingston University and accepted it! That is still one of the happiest days I've ever had in all my life. There was this sense of accomplishment; this feeling of validity that I hadn't felt in so long when it came to schools. I will never forget it. That was also the same month that UCAS chose me to be one of four international applicants to blog about their experiences applying to UK schools. That, too, was an incredible opportunity and I am grateful for the platform they gave me to speak to people who were looking for someone to relate with them. 

Then it happened. The trip of a lifetime. After careful planning and divine intervention, I hopped on a plane and flew across the pond to Europe to see my best friend in Dublin. I still get chills thinking about it and how amazing that trip was. It's one of my greatest achievements and I did it more or less by myself! There's a thrill and a sense of accomplishment travelling alone. I thrive on it. I don't always feel very independent but when I travel, I feel like I can do anything I want. (Within legal reasonings, of course) Those two weeks have shaped the way I see the world and sparked something in me that hasn't burned out. I'm more confident, more determined and more experienced! Plus, I got to see things I had only read in books or seen pictures. It was incredible and I can't wait to go again in the future. :) 

The next few months after that seemed to take an unexpected downward turn. Things were peachy for a while but things began to take a turn for the worst when it came to pretty much everything, including plans for Kingston. I can't remember a time I felt more helpless than when I was going through the ups and downs of getting things in order for Kingston. It was quite possibly the worst emotional experience of my life but I think I've grown the most from it. I'm still on the mend though. I've felt abandoned by God more times than I want and people, Christians especially, don't just get over that. I'm still trying to gauge myself spiritually but it's going to be a process.

Now we've caught up! Kingston can now stand next to Berklee on the shelf of Failed Attempts. Haha! I have to laugh about it because honestly, who do you know that has gone through so much to get to university only to be shut down at every turn. Maybe I've got something over my head that says, "Don't let him go to college". Anyway, now that I've been brought full circle, I have to look towards the future. I don't know what it holds but I'm hoping that whatever it is, I'll be happy with it. I don't know how much more my heart can take from getting shot down so many times with school. I just want a degree that will help me get ahead. That's all I want. That and to travel and write. I don't think that's too much but apparently it is. Don't take this as me being pessimistic; I'm just being honest. 

22 is going to be a great year for me no matter what because happiness mostly what you make it. 

For the first time in my life, my future is a blank slate for the most part. Sure, I have things planned and dotted along but for the most part, I don't know where my life is going to take me. I just hope it's a good place. :)

Here's to 22!!

Till Next Time...

Wall of Happiness...

I finally did it! 

A while back, I had a genius idea to put things up in my room. But not just things. Things that meant something to me. Things that I could look at and bring my mind to happier thoughts on a unhappy day. 

Since I was going to be moving away, I decided to put it off because what the point of putting things up if you're only going to take them down in a few months, right? Well plans have changed and the perfect storm occurred: I was feeling nostalgic, I had an idea and I got paid. 

I now present to you, my Wall(s) of Happiness.

Isn't it great?! I'm really proud of it. 

The map on the right I've had for quite a while but for some reason I never put it up. It's only been a few hours since I put it up and it's already putting me in such a great mood. This is how I'm going I'm coping for not going to Kingston haha. The photo on the left is a collage of the many things I kept from my Europe trip. I'm kind of a hoarder in that regard. I can't seem to let something go especially if it holds some emotional significance. 

Here are some other shots: 

I really adore this map on the left. I can't remember where I got it. I think it was at a yard sale or something. I'll just say it's vintage. It's what style bloggers say when they can't remember where they got something haha! The photo on the right is a larger view of the Europe wall. These are things like plane tickets and receipts from place I went to want to remember from the three countries I visited: Ireland, England and France. Some of these things no one will understand why I kept but I kind of like that. It makes it special.

The photo on the left is my favourite. I never noticed until I was putting it up that my British Airways ticket from London to Paris said "Euro Traveller". Behind the ticket is a pamphlet from Charles de Gaulle airport. When I landed and tried to get into Paris, they happened to be doing construction to the train that went straight to the city. They handed out these pamphlets explaining the situation and what they were doing for travellers. It was frustrating but I kept it because it reminded me of the bus ride into Paris where I met the nicest Australian family on holiday. They thought I was British because I picked up a bit of an accent from being in London so they were super surprised when I said I was American! Haha!  Oh, and they just so happened to be passing through Paris for the night and had just come from skiing in Japan; go figure!

The photo on the right is actually next to the world map! It's going to be a place I put things involving friends that make me happy. It's mostly just invitations from amazing weddings I've been to but will evolve...I hope haha!

This wall is the epitome of my happiness and I love it but it serves another purpose. It's also my inspiration. I've said it before in another post (maybe?) that looking at maps inspire me. Whilst I'm currently in a place where I'm not really inspired, I've created my own inspiration in hopes to better myself and my writing.

I can't wait to see this continue to grow!

Yay!

Till Next Time...